VMI 1.08: Like A Virgin transcript
Hear this episode at VMIpod.com/1-08
A LONG TIME AGO ON VERONICA MARS:
JOY: A purity test has caused chaos at Neptune High, as students are shamed for their sexual behaviour, if they're female, and lauded for it if they're male. How nice!
HZ: We meet Wallace's mom! And Wallace mom's shitty lodger, who won't fucking leave!
JOY: That guy SUCKS. Until Keith Mars goes full Papa Bear on him. Hell yeah.
HZ: And Veronica...comes face to face with Lilly's convicted killer.
JOY: Barking you out of bed, I’m Jenny Owen Youngs.
HZ: And wearing a borrowed cheerleader outfit, I’m Helen Zaltzman. Who put my clothes in the toilet?
You’re listening to Veronica Mars Investigations season 1 episode 8: Like a Virgin.
JOY: OK. We open up on Helen's favourite thing is - almost.
HZ: Is it leafing through shoe evidence pics?
JOY: Sorry, sorry, sorry. We opened up on somebody else's favourite thing - leafing through shoe evidence pics - and then hey, it's Cliff!
HZ: Yay!! It’s been ages.
JOY: Cliff in a very nice suit.
HZ: Always.
JOY: Ooh he looks good. Oh my god.
HZ: The dapperest man in Neptune. And he is doing some wonderful Doctor Hibbert from The Simpsons-style voice work ahen Veronica is asking him if he can get her into death row to see Abel Koontz, the man awaiting the death penalty for murdering Lilly Kane.
JOY: You know how teens are always trying to get on to death row to talk to people who've been sentenced to die by the state. But actually, you might not know that because has England ever had the death penalty?
HZ: We have. But I think we got it done a lot quicker from conviction to death. And also I think the last time it happened was in the 1950s. So not in my lifespan.
JOY: Right. Right. Which seems more right. Still wrong, but more right.
HZ: It seems shockingly recent. But Veronica is a 16-year-old with some unusual hobbies, which Cliff acknowledges:
CLIFF: Hula-hoops, cramming into phone booths, visiting death row inmates. What’s it going to be next month?
HZ: Probably Pogs.
JOY: Oh, yeah, Pogs are... well, they're probably in the past at this point, but they might be about to be making 2004 resurgence. We also learned that Cliff makes $20 an hour as a public defender and I'm wondering how he affords so many snappy suits on that kind of pay.
HZ: Do you think he steals them off corpses?
JOY: I hope not?
HZ: Because I used to make about that much as a freelance proofreader. And I couldn't afford to leave my home. So...
JOY: You couldn't even afford to go to the cemetery, dig up some bodies, and steal their clothes. Is that what you're telling me?
HZ: I couldn't afford the train fare. But do you think Cliff gets $20 an hour as a public defender, but he rakes it in on some slightly dodgy private cases?
JOY: Oh, I hope so. I think he deserves to rake it in somewhere.
HZ: Either that or he is great on the gambling circuit.
JOY: I could definitely envision him cleaning up at roulette.
HZ: But Cliff says that Abel Koontz is refusing to see anyone.
CLIFF: He alone decides who he’ll see and so far, he’s seen no one.
VERONICA: Except you, his ever-loving lawyer.
CLIFF: Yes, me, his $20 an hour public defender. Dershowitz, Cochran and Shapiro were offering up their limbs, and he comes here for representation. I failed criminal law and I still know that can’t be good.
HZ: And then he realises that Veronica has somewhat entrapped him into coming to the office.
JOY: Pretending the page is from Keith.
HZ: He surely is used to that by now. I feel Veronica is someone who is merciless in her extraction of favours from people.
JOY: It does seem that way. She's 90% favour-extraction and 10% pink and green layered polos and sweater vests.
HZ: I don't love Veronica lying to Cliff; even though Cliff seems like a premium bullshitter, he is someone who is on her side. He's a rare ally for her.
JOY: Yeah, but she just wants to get what she wants.
HZ: Do you think also she thought, “I won't call Cliff and ask him for this favour. I want him to come in because I just want to see what ensemble he's wearing today”?
JOY: Well, probably, and good thing she did because look at that suit. So Veronica shows Cliff the the shoe photos. And she really wants to put them in front of Abel Koontz's face to see what the deal is, because she believes they prove he couldn't have killed Lilly Kane.
HZ: Yeah. Why would Abel Koontz break into the Kane house to get the shoes? Very fair question.
JOY: It doesn't make a whole lot of sense...
HZ: Since you mention it.
JOY: So Cliff says. "Just write a letter and I will make sure that he gets it and I'll also make sure to distance myself from whatever it is exactly that you're trying to do."
HZ: Cliff is a good friend. Or, at least a well-dressed friend, and she could sure need those.
JOY: And then on to one of my least favourite places: a high school locker room. Eurgghh. Help!
HZ: Place of nightmares and Veronica's coming out of the shower. And her clothes have been taken and stuffed into the toilet. Apropos of what?
JOY: This is bold. People don't even need a reason. There's no inciting incident. It's just Torture Veronica Mars Day every day.
HZ: Right. It seems unlikely to me that Veronica would leave her locker unlocked. So - what?
JOY: I don't know, the lock is like laying inside the locker in a way that made me think it had been busted off.
HZ: Maybe they borrowed Veronica's big yellow bolt cutters from episode four.
JOY: However, the upshot of this is that we meet Meg, a nice person who's sympathetic.
HZ: The last nice person in the school, and very helpful.
JOY: Incredible news: she has an outfit Veronica can borrow. And it's a cheerleading uniform.
HZ: Viewers having fantasies of Kristen Bell dressed as a cheerleader - episode eight, jackpot!
JOY: Yeah, look no further.
HZ: And you can hear people wolf-whistling and Veronica decides to go home to change, even though Meg has invited her for lunch. Meg is a popular person but also very magnanimous. And also Meg is played by Alona Tal, who was the other top choice to play Veronica, except she's Israeli and they couldn't get the work permit in time.
JOY: Oh, that's what happened?
HZ: Yeah. And so they wrote her this role instead. It would have been a very different show, I think, with her playing Veronica, but I think she does a good job as Meg. Meg is a benevolent sort. And at the lunch tables, there's a group of 09er random people and Dick sitting around doing a purity quiz with questions such as "Have you ever done it in a moving car?" Jenny?
JOY: I, thanks for asking. And thanks for thinking that I might possess the skill and flexibility it would require to do it in a moving car.
HZ: And irresponsibility to other drivers.
JOY: Yeah, I'm just too into automobile safety. You know?
HZ: Maybe this purity quiz is really just to see how psychotically disregarding you are of other people's needs? Have you ever used a toilet office when other people need the toilet?
JOY: Oh, maybe the clothes in the toilet was some kind of specific statement about her
commandeering the girls’ bathroom on such a regular basis.
HZ: This is a revenge she deserves. And Dick handily exposits what is happening in this quiz which is very thoughtful of him.
MEG: What’s a purity test?
DICK: Aw, it’s this online list of questions of everything you could possibly do that’s dirty or fun or illegal: have you smoked pot, have you ever shoplifted…
JOY: Yeah, thanks Dick. It's basically like, have you done these things? If you have, you lose a point; it tallies up your your points at the end and the lower your number, the less, and I quote, "pure" you are.
HZ: There are two characters at this table, Pam and Kimmy.
JOY: Oh yes, Pam and Kimmy.
HZ: All through the episode I forget that these are two separate people. And I have no idea which one's which, but they both seem to be pretty mean and kind of sleek, shiny-haired, caucasian, female-identified people.
JOY: Yeah, their hair is shiny, their hearts seem... dark?
HZ: Yes, or null.
JOY: Or null!
HZ: But Meg, Meg, who is all heart, joins this group of terrible people who don't seem to be people that she would naturally gravitate towards, friends-wise. She tells them that Veronica's cool and the Pam one says Meg is too nice. And Veronica is a skank. And then Duncan turns up and exposits a bit more about the test because spin the wheel, which Duncan do we get this episode? Gross Bro Duncan.
JOY: Today, you get the Duncan who says, "One of the questions on the quiz is 'have you ever done a reverse cowgirl?'" Duncan? Duncan. Let's talk for just one second. I think the correct way to say this would be “Have you ever done reverse cowgirl, the move?” I think doing a reverse cowgirl is a whole other thing. And would require us to determine specifically, like, in which way is the cowgirl who's the object of this phrase reverse. I guess. Regardless - is this is this not a differentiation that feels important to you, Helen?
HZ: I think I was more troubled, Jenny, by the sex-shaming that is implied throughout this episode. And it's summarised by the Pam one here:
PAM: So if you get a 60, you’re 60% pure, 40% sack jockey. Anything under 60’s really slutty.
DUNCAN: Unless you’re a guy.
JOY: Also - ‘sack jockey’?
HZ: Sack jockey.
JOY: Maybe I've just been so numbed and eroded by all of the sex-shaming I've experienced in film and television up to this point in my life. It's like okay, yes, that does suck and I'm not here to tell you that it doesn't suck. But the misspeaking of reverse cowgirl...
HZ: That's really got you where you live. That's like the final straw.
JOY: It's just too much. And there's kind of like a number of other - we'll get into it. There are just like a handful of things in this episode that really show that teens aren't having conversations, but rather someone's writing this script. You know what I mean?
HZ: What tipped you off, that this isn't straight from the mouth of teens?
JOY: Well, “Have you ever done a reverse cowgirl?” Later there's a confession by a character that they had ‘VD’, which just means any sexually transmitted infection. Like it's so broad, it's just clear it's like, "Hey adults!" It's very "How do you do, fellow kids?”
HZ: "Enjoying some intercourse, I am." Now, Meg is very pure, which you can tell because she has a very tidy blonde ponytail, and some quite prim-looking clothes.
JOY: Classic signifiers!
HZ: She has a boyfriend. I'm not going to dignify him with a name, because I despise him already. He scored 91 in the test, earning him this diss from Dick:
DICK: Dude, Snow White took it and scored an 89.
[Everyone at the table laughs.]
MEG: I think it’s sexy we decided to wait.
HZ: I'm not sure that that is any comfort for her boyfriend.
JOY: No, because as soon as she leaves he is asking his tablemates to describe second base to him.
HZ: And they're like, “Imagine if you put your dick in a warm apple pie…” And then we pay our first ever visit, I think, to Wallace's house.
JOY: Hell yes. Love Wallace, love Wallace's house. And finally, the purity test gives us something good, which is Wallace letting us know that he got 70 or as he puts it, “One point away from being cool, because 69,” hell yeah.
HZ: Oh, Wallace - always just this far away from being cool, and yet that distance is an eternity for this sweet sweet boy. Veronica makes this bold move of unzipping her hoodie and showing him her boobs, albeit covered by a fairly substantial crop top or sports bra-looking thing and says now he's a stud. They're very friend-zoney friends, this seems like not a nice thing to do to him.
JOY: They just seem so firmly situated in a platonic relationship that this feels - I don't know. It doesn't feel horrifying, but - also, who wears a hoodie with nothing underneath it? You’re just leaving too much to chance. There's just a zipper between your body and the rest of the world and zippers are not reliable.
HZ: It seems very unlike Veronica Mars not to wear like four different Polo shirts layered under the hoodie.
JOY: Honestly.
HZ: What an unfortunate moment for the first appearance of Wallace's mom, played by Erica Gimpel, who was in the TV show of Fame, she was in ER, the film Smoke with Harvey Keitel and the 2009 film Veronika Decides to Die, also starring Sarah Michelle Gellar. And Melissa Leo from episode three of this show.
JOY: Whoa! Yep, terrible timing. Terrible timing. And she pulls Wallace into the kitchen to let us know and let him know that she's heard lots of bad things about the the Mars family since they moved to Neptune and she doesn't want you, Wallace, spending all your time with Veronica Mars, and then you drink because she said ‘Veronica Mars’.
HZ: Yes. Although you can imagine that she does have a kind of both names relationship to Veronica, given that they're not close at all.
JOY: It does make more sense than usual. But you still have to drink!
HZ: She also refers to her as ‘that girl’, which is such a parent move.
JOY: Rude.
HZ: Wallace's adorable little brother is sitting silently watching Wallace get told off, and this scene is a real clue to Wallace's home life, which, up until this point, he's kind of been this obedient servant to Veronica. And I think it's good to get Wallace's universe a bit.
JOY: I love seeing more of Wallace home life. And I also love the ways we see Wallace try to protect Veronica a little bit in this episode. Like when he comes back and Veronica is like, “Was it bad?” and he just sort of brushes it off by saying, “You know how many girls she's caught flashing me?” and leaves out the whole bit about how she's someone his mom would rather he not be spending time with.
HZ: Yeah, he's very tactful. He's trying to protect a lot of people this episode. While this telling off has been happening between Fennels, Veronica has been looking at the purity test website, which is very squeaky and cartoonish. It's got this voice that’s like, “Do our purity test, how pure are you, puritan?”
PURITY TEST WEBSITE: “I’m an angel.” “I’m hot!” “Straight from heaven.”
JOY: Here we have on one side: “I'm an angel.” And then on the other side, “I'm hot.” The two genders, of course.
HZ: Yeah. It's not like you can be both, like Meg Manning. And Veronica also notes that you can pay $10 to see anyone else's purity test. And she's like, “Can't wait for school tomorrow”. And then we got to school tomorrow, and it is pandemonium!
JOY: Chaos!
HZ: There's whooping, there's arguing, there's violence in the hallways. Megan's horrible boyfriend with no name, because I refuse to allow him one, are arguing. Meg's so pure - but her locker has been defaced with a score of 48 in red paint that just won't come off. And he's like, “You had sex with a tour guide!” And she's like, “I never had sex with anyone and I didn't even take the test.” It's very unfair. "You turned me into a joke. Thanks." So he's just another awful Neptune man.
JOY: Well, listen, as you know, every man's worth and social standing is based on a variety of factors. And the main factor is what the girl he's dating has or has not done at any point in her life previous to them dating, sexually. That's just how it works, Helen.
HZ: It's very inconsistent. They want to be sexually active, and with girls, because this is a very heterosexual show. But they also don't want the girls to be sexually active. So how is this supposed to work? The good thing is that Veronica and Meg's friendship is getting cemented, and I felt like the past couple of episodes, Veronica has been rehearsing for female friendship and this episode, she actually is capable of it. And she says to Meg she'll help her clear her name and find who posted the test. She says:
VERONICA: Meg, you’re the last good person at this school. I’d believe cartoon birds braided your hair this morning.
JOY: Me too. I'm ready for that.
HZ: Absolutely. And titles - and Sidney Tamiia Poitier is still in them. I miss her. We will never see her again.
JOY: I miss her too - instead of her, we get a different computer class teacher guy.
HZ: Yeah, in a very dark classroom.
JOY: That Veronica can bust in and confuse and compusplain to, or try to.
HZ: Yeah, she just strides in and fires a question at this guy's back about algorithms. Harsh - and he's like "I'm a gym teacher, I dunno."
JOY: "Talk to that student, Mac. Check the parking lot. Look for the blue hair.”
HZ: Do you think that's where he goes whenever he is asked an IT problem? And this is the first appearance of Mac - Tina Majorino!
JOY: Hooray!
HZ: Another beloved recurring character. This episode introduces a number of good new recurring characters. Glad to say Meg's shit boyfriend is not one of them.
JOY: Hooray.
HZ: Veronica finds Mac trying to break into her own car, which is a great situation for Veronica because she can play the hero.
JOY: Yep, yep. “Let me help you out with some of my acquired criminal skills.” And also, Helen, Helen - I think this scene, I think we might be encountering entering the shortest jacket Veronica has worn to date on the show. About mid-ribcage. It's a stretch to even call it a jacket. But oh my god, it's there and it's happening. How do you feel?
HZ: I remember now that around 2003/2004, I went to a branch of H&M in London. And I saw a garment, it was made out of puffer jacket material. And it was just sleeves connected by a thin band of puffer around the collar - so not even like a bolero. It was literally just the sleeves and a collar. And I think that is Veronica's ultimate jacket.
JOY: Yeah, maybe, well maybe she'll get there eventually. Maybe it's waiting for us up ahead.
HZ: Maybe she bought all the jackets back when she was younger and the family have more money. And then she grew during adolescence and is still wearing the same wardrobe. That's probably it, right?
JOY: There it is. That does make the most sense.
HZ: Now, Jenny, I don't speak car. And whenever anyone mocks Veronica's car, I think, "What's the matter with? It looks fine to me.” What's the matter with it?
JOY:Well, I feel like there's nothing wrong with it. It's a freaking convertible. I mean, it's not like an Audi like we see Dick driving later. But you know what really, really makes Veronica's car look nice is Mac's car.
HZ: That's true. But you know, all of these cars are still better than the teacher's car that was put on the flagpole last episode.
JOY: That's true. But Mac's car looks like the kind of car that Mr. Weasley would pick up at the dump and then magically imbue with the power of flight.
HZ: Which would make it even more tricked out. When when I was their age, well, we weren't legally allowed to drive in Britain until we were 17. So no one who was 16 had a car. But even when we were 17, most people did not have cars at school age at my school. So even their crappy cars look quite glamorous to me.
JOY: Also I feel like, aren't cars like sort of like on average, a little bit like on the smaller side in the UK?
HZ: Oh yes.
JOY: Because you're all very reasonable people.
HZ: Yes. Imagine, if you will, a British car to America car is a Veronica jacket versus a normal jacket.
JOY: Perfect!
HZ: And Mac thoughtful explains that every student has an easily accessible email address, like first name, last name. And Veronica asks who's got all the passwords? Was this a more innocent time for online security where passwords were a more communal thing? Mac explains it's just each student. And then the part time IT guy Renny, who's only in two days a week.
JOY: And wait till you get a look at him.
HZ: And then back to Wallace's house, Veronica is standing in front of a sheet backdrop, holding up a hand, and Wallace is taking a photo of her. It looks like the kind of thing where they're going to Photoshop something into a hand - like I used to have to do office supplies when I was in a temp job and the office catalogue had the elderly head of the company in it on most pages with a different kind of stapler or printer cartridge photoshopped into his hand. It's that kind of photo they're taking.
JOY: Beautiful.
HZ: But Veronica catches sight of Wallace's mom outside confronting a lodger about the non payment of rent and he is a very passive aggressive guy and complains he's recovering from a fall on her steps with the implication of “Don't ask me for rent or you'll get slapped with a lawsuit.”
JOY: This is a bunch of trash. I hate this guy. Get him out.
HZ: Yeah. Good news for you: if you hate this guy, you're going to not have to put up with him for too long.
JOY: Hooray.
HZ: But Wallace doesn't know that Veronica knows. And then at school it’s the TV station again. Why do they have this? It just seems to be a problem all the time.
JOY: It's, yeah, way more trouble than it's worth for sure. And what are they doing? Like, to what end?
HZ: Meg and some dude are cohosts and it's very awkward because they're doing this news report.
MEG: Auditions for Cabaret will be held this Friday immediately after school.
LARS: You’re quite the actress yourself, aren’t you Meg?
MEG: ….
LARS: Uh, weren’t you the lead in Guys and Dolls last spring?
HZ: She thinks he's made a quip about her being a sex-haver, rather than having been in a school play once.
JOY: Not a sex-haver, anything but that!
HZ: That seems to be very much the implication of this episode - anything but that, unless you're a guy. And when Meg gets up from the desk, good lord, she is wearing the same costume I think that Paris Hilton wore in episode two. It's a very visually dissonant thing because she - when she was sitting behind the desk, it looked reasonably demure. She was wearing this tiny greenish tweedy jacket with pink edges and pink buttons and a pink vest underneath it. And then when she gets up, you see that there's like, a mile of midriff visible and then this tiny little pink skirt. And it just reminded me of how much lower pelvis you saw of people around 2002 to 2004. It was a very breezy time for below the navel.
JOY: Yes, and I'm glad those days are behind us.
HZ: But it just seems like a very odd choice with this jacket. And then the Kimmy one is watching and is mean, in a way that I can't quite track because I'm not that invested in the Pam one or the Kimmy one, or what their damage is - but it seems to be substantial from both.
JOY: Uh huh.
HZ: Meg tells Veronica that people have been calling her house and slut-sneezing. You ever slut-sneezed anyone, Jenny?
JOY: No, but I've been dyke-sneezed. Or I guess I've been dyke-coughed.
HZ: Dyke-coughed?
JOY: Yes. Very similar in premise to the slut sneeze.
HZ: Was this how you discovered that you were gay?
JOY: I would say it started happening probably before I knew that I was gay. Hmm. And continued for some time after. Hooray!
HZ: You know, if you've got something to say, say in a cough.
JOY: But at least I wasn't having sex with boys, because apparently that's the worst thing a teen girl can do.
HZ: And Meg says no one knows her password, except maybe her sister Lizzie, and they're very close. But then next scene, we meet Lizzie and they don't seem to be that close from Lizzie’s point of view.
JOY: ‘Close’ is not the word exactly that I would use. She kind of has this like young Madonna thing going on?
HZ: Oh yeah. That kind of big hair and eyeliner. She's a pretty fun sassy character in the Amanda Seyfried as Lilly Kane style, isn't she?
JOY: Yeah, yeah, she's got big personality.
HZ: She's the Danger Manning sister. And she's complaining to Veronica about growing up with perfect Meg and always being compared to perfect Meg, and so she wishes she had posted the test, but you might as well blame her because she gets blamed for everything else anyway.
JOY: Yeah, I'll blame her. That's fine. And then Veronica pays a visit to Renny the IT guy who apparently, by everyone's reactions to him, is hot. I enjoy looking at hot dudes. But this guy just sort of slides right past my eyes, I don't get it.
HZ: If he's not Weevil, Jenny does not acknowledge.
JOY: Yeah, yeah, you've got to have motorcycle and a motorcycle jacket and some tattoos, and a bad attitude, but a heart of gold. Okay, sorry. Please go on.
HZ: He has the face of a catalogue underwear model, and he's French. Therefore, by the mythology of the show, he's hot. And therefore Veronica immediately switches into a vapid, ditz mode to get people’s passwords. It doesn't work though. He's like, "I cannot give you other people's passwords."
JOY: And she even goes hard 09er and it's like, "Oh, am I supposed to, like, pay you or something?" Just in case that'll work.
HZ: Usually works. Those two tactics get her 90% of the things she wants. And then it's auditions for the high school production of Cabaret, and the Kimmy one is on stage singing "Don't Tell Mama" in a high register. Then it's Meg's turn, and it's appropriate, I guess, that she's singing a song that is about false purity.
JOY: She’s got a strong start with the shoulder pumping thing - love it.
HZ: She's doing well, she does some very nice intonation. But then the slut-sneezing starts from the people who are just sitting around watching auditions. And it all goes to shit.
JOY: A. Why are these people sitting around watching auditions? And B. the real question is, why is the teacher who's playing piano tolerating the absurd amount of noise and disruption that these students are creating?
HZ: I think because if you've listened to, twenty soprano 16-year-olds singing ‘Don’t Tell Mama’ in a row, then you would just have shut off your whole hearing, for self-preservation. But it does also imply that people wouldn't come to watch the auditions for very long because they would also not be able to tolerate that many renditions of ‘Don’t Tell Mama’. So when Meg runs off, all of these jerks applaud because they're jerks; the teacher's dead inside; but Veronica isn't - Veronica runs after her to comfort her. And finally, Veronica is also getting purity test-persecuted. The score of 14 has been painted on her locker.
JOY: 14 out of 100 is undeniably low.
HZ: Yeah, maybe a lot of the questions are "Have you ever illegally bugged people?"
JOY: Oh, right. “Have you ever helped your father impersonate a DEA agent?"
HZ: "Have you ever asked someone if you can visit a person on death row?"
JOY: "Have you ever used a fake Southern accent to do your voiceover whilst photoshopping yourself into a sign pretending to be from a town that you are not from?"
HZ: Plus she voiceovers that her purity test - which she didn't take herself, it is a purity test attributed to her - it said that she pleasured the swim team while jacked up on goofballs.
JOY: Item: she actually says “hopped up on goofballs” which I only specified because I went ahead and looked up on Urban Dictionary just to make sure I would know what it meant to be hopped up on goofballs; and it means, of course, getting off your face on some sweet harmless drugs according to Urban Dictionary and getting off your face means getting high. Cool, here we go.
HZ: Yeah, I knew “off your face”. I found all of these things really quite intuitive terminology.
JOY: Whoa whoa whoa, I'm hip, I'm cool, I know lots of drug terminology, Helen. I just wanted to double check and also educate any of our listeners who might not be as hip and down with drug culture as you and I are...
HZ: And goofballs. No, I would have to look it up. I'd look it up with my dealer of course. Get me some goofballs!
JOY: Yes. Contact your dealer immediately.
HZ: But this has motivated Veronica to drop the 09er ditz act, and ask Renny the IT guy to help her change her password, and he's condescending.
RENNY: That’s why your password should always include numbers as well as letters. Everyone thinks its fun to use the name of your dog or boyfriend, but that actually makes it easy to crack.
VERONICA: My old password was GJ7B!X.
RENNY: Well, try and make this one a little bit tougher.
JOY: You fool, you thought you could passwordsplain to Veronica Mars? Think again.
HZ: Well, he's only there two days a week so he's probably not fully aware of all of Veronica's activity - but I'm surprised this is her first encounter with the IT guy because I'm sure she would have asked him for favours many times before already.
JOY: It does seem odd.
HZ: Bad scenes at the Fennel house. The family's just getting home, and that bloody lodger is in their kitchen, cooking a slab of meat I think.
JOY: Why and how, how is he inside? Why is he inside? To cook the meat. Okay, but mostly how - does he have keys or did he break in?
HZ: That's a great question. He certainly seems capable of misdemeanours, doesn't he?
JOY: He really does. And also, he's saying he only has a hot plate in his apartment, therefore he feels entitled, I guess, to use their stove whenever he feels like it. And then he refers to Wallace's mom asking him for his months-late rent as "Getting yappity yap in his face". And that sets Wallace off. Wallace wants to rumble.
HZ: Yeah, Wallace has to be restrained by his mom. And she says he should set an example for his brother. He's like, "I'm gonna," punch punch punch, except doesn't.
JOY: Yeah. We don't want to see Wallace get in a fight. Please.
HZ: This guy's not worth it. He's just a condescending jerk. Wallace arrives at Veronica's home to do some math, but he's too angry.
JOY: Too angry for math - been there. Oof!
HZ: You know things are bad when Wallace doesn't want to do math. He says, "I just about merked my mom's crazy, no-rent-paying tenant this afternoon." Did you look up ‘merked’ on Urban Dictionary?
JOY: This is what I forgot to look up on Urban Dictionary.
HZ: It's a respelling of a shortening for ‘mercenary’ and it means to be killed, murdered or otherwise mercilessly and overwhelmingly defeated or put down.
JOY: Yes, that's what this guy should get.
HZ: A popular term from the early 2000s. So appropriate slang for Wallace to be using. And Veronica offers the services of scary Keith, and on cue Keith comes in buttoning his cuffs. And he hears Veronica saying:
VERONICA: Seriously, you should talk to him.
KEITH: Am I giving you the birds and the bees again, Wallace?
HZ: Spectacular!
JOY: Give him the birds and bees, Keith!
HZ: Oh, wouldn't you love the birds and bees talk from Keith?
JOY: If I had to get it from somebody.
HZ: It'd scare you into never fucking a bee.
JOY: Or a bird.
HZ: Keith offers to stop by Wallace's house and he's like, “It's nothing.” And I love that Keith is so fond of Wallace. In this episode, he's just very kind to him, and nonjudgmental, than he is to basically anyone else. He doesn't even know that Wallace has got a hot mom yet!
JOY: Haha, wait till he finds out!
HZ: And then back at school, Veronica and Meg are sat next to each other at the back of class. And there's a very fed up teacher who I'm enjoying a tremendous amount.
JOY: Yeah, she's had it with Veronica and Meg talking about how, oh my gosh, Lizzie, Meg's sister, is the only person at Neptune high who has a subscription to Grind Girl magazine, which Veronica must have deduced by logging into private eyez with a z .com
HZ: Bit creepy.
JOY: And the version of the purity test that's been going around is taken from that magazine.
HZ: So it is Meg's sister that did the purity test. I'm learning that Mrs. Murphy, the fed up teacher, is played by Linda Castro, who teaches Tai Chi and is a professional palm reader. What a lot of interesting bit part people.
JOY: Yeah, everybody's got such broad horizons.
HZ: And has a black belt in karate. I feel like she's underused in this. She does appear a few more times in the series, but she's a very brief treat in this episode. And then while they're talking, the teacher says, "Veronica, what's your position on this?" allowing Dick to chip in with the classic teenage boy in a class innuendo:
MRS MURPHY: Why don’t you tell us your position on this?
DICK: All fours?
MRS MURPHY: Dick Casablancas. You can see me after class.
HZ: Ha ha ha. Oh, that laughter will not be worth it. Because now Dick is on Veronica's list.
JOY: A list I'd like to never see nor get anywhere near.
HZ: No one can survive. Keith’s at the Fennel house in a suit, so you know he means business. Wallace’s mom is kind of hostile. Do you think that is because she doesn't like the Marses or trust them? Or do you think it's because she wants to be self-sufficient and not dependent on anyone, and she's got that solo parent pressure to be everything to the family?
JOY: I think it's probably like 15-20% solo parent pressure wanting to really do a good job and feel self-sufficient. But I think it's like 80-85% the fact that she works at Kane Software, which we learn I think conversationally a little bit later.
HZ: So they've been poisoning her mind.
JOY: Yeah. It's bad. And she tells Keith, who's just being a total mensch and a nice guy, that she'll worry about her children and he can worry about his - and then she slams the door in his face!
HZ: Pretty rude.
JOY: You don't slam a door in Keith Mars's sweet little face!
HZ: No, although I bet he's pretty used to it. And he notices the mailbox - because that's Keith's job, to notice things.
JOY: Yes, he's highly observational. And that guy's name is Jeremy Masterson.
HZ: He's played by Joel Bissonnette. But back at the Mars home, Veronica gets a call saying she's allowed to visit Abel Koontz on Friday between 2pm and 4pm. My question is, what excuses does Veronica use to get out of school for such errands as taking her neighbour to a medical appointment or visiting someone on death row?
JOY: Well, if the hours are 2pm to 4pm, and the prison is close...
HZ: I don't know if it's close, because later when you see the drive, it looks like a bit of a schlep.
JOY: Right, right. Well, Veronica does what she wants. No one can stop her.
HZ: Yep, that is certainly true.
JOY: Then we see a disgusting display of 09er boys basically like high-fiving each other and Meg's boyfriend who shall not be named doing a Bill Clinton "I did not have sexual relations with that woman" impression.
HZ: As if I needed to hate him more. And Duncan, because we've got douchey Duncan in the Wheel of Duncan this episode, is like:
DUNCAN: So now it comes out. Meg was one of those Britney Spears virgins, huh. And you were her noble Justin, just keeping it all on the down low.
COLE: [doing a Bill Clinton impersonation] I did not have sexual relations with that woman.
JOY: How dare you?
HZ: A lot of shaming in this episode for female sexual activity.
JOY: Disgusting. If I wasn't already gay, I feel like this episode would make a pretty strong case for political lesbianism. At the very least.
HZ: Absolutely. And Meg's disgusting boyfriend says, "Meg's good at everything she does. And she does do everything." Veronica watches askance. But Meg's sister Lizzie comes up and interrupts this parade of gross guy behaviour. And she threatens to post the boyfriend's love poems and implies that he's a premature ejaculator. His greatest fear: not being one of the champion sex-havers.
JOY: Yeah, yeah. So many things I wish I could unhear and unsee in this episode. And that's one of them.
HZ: Yes. Although I do love this exchange. Lizzie says, "Stop talking about my sister, boyfriend who has no name". And he says, "You don't even like her." And she says:
LIZZIE: Maybe not. But I love her.
HZ: Which is such a great summary of a lot of sibling relationships, I think. Nice work Lizzie. Veronica beckons her over, and Lizzie says Meg didn't come to school today. And let's say the parents no longer negatively compare her to Meg. Job done.
JOY: Yeah, this is is rough. This is bad. Okay, so Veronica makes a house call to talk to Meg. Who's in bed. They find out that Meg’s dad searched her room and found letters from the Spain dude.
HZ: And the dad apparently said, "You're just like Lizzie."
JOY: And Meg asks Veronica how she deals - this is rough. This is like a recurring thing for Veronica. Everyone's like, "How do you deal with all the terrible things everyone says about you?" And it's like, halfway through the season, she's gonna have solved crimes for like, 20% of the student body and everyone's still just talking trash about her, like what the hell? And Veronica says:
VERONICA: You get tough. And then you get even.
JOY: That's the Veronica Mars way of of life.
HZ: It's weird that Veronica is getting a lot of slut-shaming from these people, given that she's too busy to be a sex-haver. There was a year of fallowness between Duncan and her sexual assault and the brief fling with Troy. And you would think the other things that Veronica has done would be more towards the top of people's estimation of her?
JOY: Yeah, you would think that, but no, high school - so great. But I think people just want to hate her and talk trash about her. And the easiest way to talk trash about a teen girl in high school is to say anything about hersexual activity.
HZ: Veronica jacket watch: I quite like this one actually. It's almost a normal-fit jacket. It's burgundy velvet. It's got little polka dots on, and pink buttons. That's what tips it over the edge, I think, from being quite a good jacket to being a bit clownish.
JOY: Pink buttons. I thought there was a law. Also, she and Meg have this - I know it's female friendship, but we never see it with Veronica, so it's very confusing to my brain with this whole like, "You're going to go to school tomorrow and you're not taking crap from anyone and we're friends now". But it's kind of like, are you guys gonna kiss? This is the first moment in the episode but not the last where I'm like, are Veronica and Meg about to fall in love?
HZ: I don't know. I think Meg has been deterred from ever expressing herself physically - shamed out of it. And I feel like Veronica is such a kind of militantly heterosexual character.
JOY: Helen, Helen. Helen. I'm not talking about canonically. I'm just talking about...
HZ: No, I mean, they would probably be a very healthy couple, if Veronica weren't so closed off against it and Meg hadn't come to associate any kind of sex or romantic feelings with misery.
JOY: Sure, sure. Yes. Speaking of misery, the Fennels come home to a house full of gas that's been pouring out of their stove. All four burners just releasing noxious gas into the house - that's bad, and very flammable.
HZ: Our heroic Wallace runs in to turn off the stove while his mom and brother wait outside, and the police come - or the sheriffs, I'm really sorry to use this terminology interchangeably. The law enforcement come. Deputy Sachs, the one with the moustache, says he can't help; Alicia Fennel would have to file an eviction notice which takes 60 days in the best case scenario, which is pretty fucking useless if you've got someone trying to gas you out of your home.
JOY: Yeah, this is a bad system. This really sucks. And the way they're going to deal with it in the short term is that they're not going to stay at home tonight. And Wallace swings by the Mars household to see if he can crash on the couch, under false pretence, at least as far as Keith is concerned.
HZ: Yes, he says his house is getting exterminated. And I'd forgotten that Wallace doesn't know that the Marses know - which is foolish of him, because of course the Marses always know everything. But Keith - because Keith loves Wallace - offers him some supper. And while Wallace is out of the room, Veronica and Keith are able to have a little exchange.
VERONICA: Did you ever get over to talk to Mrs Fennel?
KEITH: Yeah. I went over there. Wallace’s mom had a plan and I didn’t want to overstep.
VERONICA: Overstepping is your main form of transportation.
KEITH: You know, I have to go back to the office and grab some stuff.
HZ: Power Keith to the rescue!
JOY: Just remembered I've got to go back and do some work.
HZ: Off he goes to a phone box to change into his spandex supersuit!
JOY: That we all want to see real bad; and once he's changed into it, he's on whatever private eye website he uses to look at people's criminal records.
HZ: Yeah, he's underlit like he's in The Blair Witch Project. But he's not crying: he is gleeful, he looks like Christmas, because the because the lodger's mugshot is right there.
JOY: Oh, yes. So he swings by the Fennel house, lets himself in, waits in the dark by the fridge until Jeremy inevitably comes in to see what the Fennels have to eat. And then he's just there in the fridge light drinking a beer, scaring the crap out of Jeremy. Love it!
HZ: Glorious! Shit's about to go down. And he tells Jeremy that he's moving out by 6am. Jeremy's like, “I'm not going anywhere.” And Keith doesn't need to say anything. He just sassily swigs a bottle of beer. This is just a little hobby for Keith, it's no stress. Then the alarm goes off at 6am and Jeremy is beshitted to find Keith by his beside. Jeremy's room decor: he's got a PJ Harvey poster and a lot of neon signs, so continuing this trend for Neptune rooms to be very dark in the day and very bright at night.
JOY: Personally, I'm offended that this guy has a PJ Harvey poster, just seems wrong.
HZ: Keep her out of this mess.
JOY: Yeah, exactly. Keep her name out of your mouth, sir.
HZ: What do you think you'd have, a Nickelback poster or something?
JOY: Yeah, exactly. Nickelback, Staind, Creed. And then Keith engages - hmmm, I wish this rang a little more true or sensical. But Keith, through a combination of close talking and then shouting from far away and then barking like a dog and and bouncing the mattress up and down, he manages to convince this guy that he absolutely has to move out immediately in like 40 seconds.
HZ: Yeah, well, he gave him the 6am deadline. And because this guy hasn't stuck to it, he's going to get barked at and the furniture is going to be banged. And Jeremy dives into the corner to shelter himself under his bedspread.
JOY: Um, I just feel like it's very difficult for me to suspend my disbelief for this. I just feel like they could have done a better job.
HZ: Do you think they just said to Enrico Colantoni, "Just improvise. Do whatever." And he's like, "Alright, woof woof woof". I love his menace chat. He is good at it.
KEITH: You wanna see crazy? You pay attention, ‘cause this is gonna get good.
[Keith barks and screams, and then shakes Jeremy out of bed.]
KEITH: See, that was crazy. Now I want you to pack your bags and get out. You’re never to bother Mrs Fennel again. You don’t talk to her, you don’t drop by, you never lived here, right? Right?
JEREMY: Right.
HZ: Do you think Keith has just been awake all night, drinking Mrs. Fennel’s beer and, I don’t know, watching her DVDs? He's got to that stage of being awake all night where this is just pretty normal.
JOY: Yeah, I think maybe he's just sleep-deprived. So this seems like a reasonable path of action for him.
HZ: Yeah, although he's much more physical than I am when I've pulled an all-nighter and started to act a little bit nonsensical.
JOY: Maybe he's hopped up on goofballs.
HZ: This would make a lot of sense. But it works! It's daylight and Jeremy leaves past Keith. He's got his feet up on the porch. He's reading the paper, drinking coffee, basking smugly, living his best Keith.
JOY: I do love any opportunity Keith has to bask smugly, that pleases me greatly.
HZ: Absolutely. I love Power Keith. I love smug Keith. I love it when Keith has a win, because he's had such a rough year.
JOY: Yeah, yeah. Even if it doesn't make all that much sense.
HZ: Keith goes home. Back at the Mars house, Wallace and Veronica are getting ready for school whilst Backup helps slash attends. And Keith gets home with a big bag of bagels. I like this: Wallace asked if they've seen his keys and Keith takes them out of his pocket and is like, "What do you know, the last place you think to look" and goes to his room laughing ominously. Enrico Colantoni has a wonderful range of scary laughs.
JOY: Yeah, yeah, I love this. So Veronica is back with Mac. learning that the purity tests that you can order online of anyone at the school or going for $10 a pop, and Mac says, “I know some kids who have ordered dozens.” $120, $240, $360...
HZ: That's a lot of dollars. And Veronica is asking if Mac bought any and she's like, "I don't have $10 to spare. You've seen my car, right?"
JOY: Yes, yes, we've seen your car, Mac.
HZ: Can confirm. We were told to look for you at your car and we have seen your car. Although if her car's meant to be so shit, why is she notoriously spending so much time in it that a gym teacher posing as an IT guy would know that that is where she is?
JOY: Well, maybe it's just preferable to being inside the halls of Neptune High.
HZ: Very good point. Veronica asks Mac to email her the information of the dummy corporation that is the purity test corporation and then tries to log in, and she can't, she gets an error 45 because someone in the journalism room - somehow they know the location, have they got all the IP addresses perhaps? - is already logged in to Veronica's account. And when they scurry over there, Veronica finds an email in her outbox has been sent to Duncan - but not written by her, although written as apparently by her.
JOY: Saying that she's still in love with Duncan and when they were together she had, again, VD - highly unspecific information.
HZ: Mac exposes herself as a Dunkvonica shipper. She says, "You used to be all anyone gossiped about; you still are, just in a different way".
JOY: Ah, Dunkvonica is the ship name they deserve.
HZ: It's not even the right portmanteau, and yet there's just something right about it. And Veronica is like, "Am I naked? Because in my nightmares, I'm usually naked."
JOY: She's not naked, she's probably wearing a tiny jacket. And just then she gets a an IM from somebody named Froggy. I wonder who that could be.
HZ: I immediately thought Pepe the Frog, but that's the difference between 2019 and 2004, isn't it.
JOY: Uh huh.
HZ: Veronica asks if Froggy can get a password for her and Froggy's like, "Another one? You're insatiable for these passwords."
JOY: Just can't get enough of these passwords.
HZ: And off Veronica and Mac scoot. And then we're somewhere steamy outdoors. It's night. I think she says it's a quarry.
JOY: The Inspiration Rock Quarry AKA the Lovers’ Lane of Neptune. Veronica darts up with probably not that long of a lens and takes a bunch of flash photos, that you think maybe because the car has windows that those those photos would come out just as flash reflecting on on car windows?
HZ: No she's got a special lens that can go through glass and steam -
JOY: Oh thank God she had one of those.
HZ: - to get a very clear photo of the IT guy Renny having sex in the car with... the Kimmy one!
JOY: The Kimmy one - oh no!
HZ: Who is now being confronted by Veronica in the school hallway. Veronica, I guess has developed these photos overnight.
JOY: She's very fast. She just takes the roll of film out of her camera when she's done shooting and she whispers "enhance" into it. And then it just sort of unfurls into a stack of 8' x 10's.
HZ: Like those things that you can get that look like a jelly bean and you put them in water and they unfurl into a dinosaur-shaped sponge?
JOY: Yes.
HZ: And she points out that Renny is 23 and Kimmy's 17 and that is legally a bit of a problem sex-wise. Because sex having in this school never goes well.
JOY: Yeah, best to just avoid it altogether, females.
HZ: And the Kimmy one says she didn't post Veronica's test, but the Pam one did for the reason that Duncan is still hung up on Dunkvonica.
JOY: The Kimmy one posted Meg's because Meg gets everything she wants: the coveted anchor position of the Neptune High news broadcast.
HZ: The lead in the musical; cheerleader - because there's only one cheerleader per school. Veronica is secretly filming this whole confession. Is that legal? I thought, in California, secretly recording people is quite a serious offence.
JOY: We're going to have to check in with our reigning Lord of Information.
HZ: And Veronica accuses Renny of running the test and the Kimmy one denies it and says Renny doesn't know the test exists, because he's only in two days a week.
JOY: Because he's 23, he's busy with stuff.
HZ: And then school TV station pops up again; Meg throws to a report about lacrosse - yawn - but then what? It's Veronica's tape of the Kimmy one broadcast to the whole school, who are watching rapt! And as the bit comes up about how Duncan is still hung up on Veronica, his face barely registers it. This locker has very good visual and very good audio.
JOY: Incredibly positioned lens.
HZ: Again, Veronica has the lenses to achieve these things when you wouldn't think it possible. The Pam one kindly waits until this transmission has ended before having a go at the Kimmy one. And bullies her out the room because the Pam one and the Kimmy one both suck whilst also dissing Meg. I hate the Pam one and the Kimmy one, and I hope never to see them again.
JOY: Me too. Veronica leaves school. Veronica heads out to the parking lot and walks by Dick, who's got the hood of his Audi popped; smoke is billowing out of it, something is clearly very wrong. And Veronica inside of her head says, “You mess with the bull dot dot dot... I fuck up your Audi, Dick.”
HZ: That's what happens when you land on the Mars list. When did Veronica learn so much about cars? Or is she just busking it?
JOY: Yeah, this is very confusing. I do not know. Speaking of cars, we see Mack drive off in her brand new 2004 Volkswagen Beetle because she obviously has been selling those purity test results and hey, I've taken the liberty of looking up the list price in 2004 of a Volkswagen Beetle new: manual is a little bit cheaper than this, but the automatic version was $19,395, so Mac only had to sell 1940 purity tests to buy that car.
HZ: Wow. This is Veronica's realisation that Mac is the only one smart enough to post the purity test. Which doesn't seem that smart, to be honest, it seems like a pretty silly test. But she respects her taking 09er money. And I guess for Veronica, the hit to her reputation that this test has delivered is nothing.
JOY: Yeah, she cares not.
HZ: Meg shows up in gratitude.
JOY: "I was looking for a white horse," she says, right before they kiss. They don't kiss.
HZ: If you want to write that slish fic, though, I think there'll be a market. And this shows how Meg and Veronica are different, because Meg says, “People are afraid of you,” Veronica says, “Well, something's working,” and Meg says:
MEG: Getting tough? Yeah, that was good advice. And I needed that. The getting even part? You might want to rethink that one. You do have friends, Veronica.
HZ: What I like is that Meg is a good egg, but not too bland.
JOY: Yeah.
HZ: I feel like she's a nice friend for Veronica to have because she's not too much of a pushover, but she is very sweet and seems honest. Veronica grabs Duncan who is passing and explains that the email was fake and she doesn't still love him. And he's like, “Yeah, good, cuz I totally don't love you either, obviously.” And then there's a long awkward pause and then he attempts to do a joke about lip herpes.
DUNCAN: Wait. You don’t have VD? ‘Cause I keep getting this thing on my lip and I’m not sure who I could’ve gotten it from…
JOY: Hilarious. Thanks, Duncan. Really nice try.
HZ: Really appreciate you. Which Duncan will we get next week? Hopefully a really different one.
JOY: That would be nice.
HZ: Because this one is one of the worst Duncans, I think.
JOY: It's not good.
HZ: I'd take Milky Duncan back.
JOY: That's what we have to endure.
HZ: And another another pleasant scene of reconciliation is happening at the Mars office. Mrs. Fennel strolls in:
ALICIA: The fact that you helped me, even though I was awful to you? You’re a very decent man.
KEITH: Yeah, I’d like to think that; but really I just like tossing people out, it’s kind of a hobby.
ALICIA: I don’t know if you’ve heard some of the things they say about you.
KEITH: Oh, I know, trust me. I barely let me socialise with myself. I’m a bad influence.
HZ: There's something really beautiful happening, because when she arrives he's making himself a cup of coffee, and almost imperceptibly he just takes another cup and gives her a cup of coffee. And you know that when coffee's involved, Keith is a-wooing.
JOY: That's true. It's his woo liquid of choice. They just seem primed to continue the lovely conversation that we see 30 seconds of, perhaps on into the night.
HZ: They are settling in for a chat. And I am all for this partnership.
JOY: Also settling in for a chat - urghh, a very different kind of chat - Veronica is visiting Abel Koontz and who is buying these accents on either of them?
HZ: Oh, this is rough. I know neither of us is from the southern USA. But if we were, do you think we would be extremely offended by how often terrible Southern accents are used in dramas?
JOY: Yeah, I think so. I also have noticed that usually when I ask an English person to do an American accent, they do some variation on what's considered a Southern accent.
HZ: It's because an American accent is far more difficult to achieve for an English person because our vowels don't work that way. And so you can either go very, very broad, or just not at all. And so it's either like stereotypical Southern belle or angry New Yorker from the mid 20th century.
JOY: So what I'm what I'm hearing, Helen, is that you think I have a very sophisticated, nuanced accent.
HZ: If that's what you want, Jenny.
JOY: How dare you.
HZ: What? I don't want to apply, you know, merits to any of the accents. They’re all valid.
JOY: Okay. OK. OK!
HZ: Yours is lovely, keep it. I couldn't do it because my mouth is too unsubtle in its movements.
JOY: Anyway, Veronica is trying to pretend that she's from Abel Koontz's hometown but it doesn't last very long.
HZ: Bit of banter about the Apple Blossom Festival. It's very greenly lit, this prison.
JOY: Yeah, this is some weird ass lighting.
HZ: Abel Koontz is giving us some Hannibal Lecter crossed with Willem Dafoe vibes. And he's played by Christian Clemenson, who's in the Buffy the Vampire Slayer episode Bad Girls as a grotesquely obese demon named Balthazar.
JOY: Yeah, Balthazar lives in a demonic hot tub kind of situation.
HZ: Gosh, the funguses that he must be harbouring...
JOY: So many funguses and also he has kind of like tusks but they come out of his cheeks and curl down the sides of his face, kind of like mutton chops or something. So I did not recognise him in this role, but there was something familiar about him to me the first time I watched it and then later on I found out why.
HZ: After this Apple Blossom flirty chat, his tone switches creepier, which Veronica doesn't seem to quite register. She starts talking about these photos that she found online and saying, "This could get you a retrial. You've never seen Lilly Kane in your life. Why would you confessed to killing her?" And he's like:
KOONTZ: Do you wanna know exactly how I bashed your friend’s brains in? Oh, I know who you are, Veronica Mars. I knew your mom when she used to visit the office during lunch hours.
HZ: So what? I don't know what the kids of people who used to visit my office during lunch hours look like.
JOY: Seriously! But maybe because the Mars fam - like Lianne was visiting this... Abel alleges that Lianne was visiting Jake. Everybody knew Keith Mars, the sheriff, so it stands to reason that maybe he would know who Veronica was.
HZ: It seems tenuous, but let's just let that sit in the shadows because he's about to drop a truth bomb.
KOONTZ: You’re a very dedicated young lady. Certainly you didn’t inherit that quality from poor scattered Lianne. Unfortunately for you, that makes you your father’s daughter.
VERONICA: My dad tried to save your life.
KOONTZ: I meant your real father. Think about it Veronica. Look in a mirror. Are you the product of a schlubby sheriff, or the king and queen of the prom?
HZ: And what the fuck? Like why do people care who were prom king and queen twenty years ago? Get over it. Seriously, you're adults. You supposed to have achieved things since then.
JOY: Also, how dare you call Keith Mars "schlubby"? How dare you? Keith Mars is light on his feet, quick of wit.
HZ: Many acting skills.
JOY: Beautiful smile.
HZ: Very authoritative.
JOY: Hilarious.
HZ: Considerate with coffee. So also, how would Abel Koontz know whether Lianne Mars and Jake Kane had reproduced together some sixteenish years ago?
JOY: Are you getting the impression from his like the way that he talks and the way that he moves and stuff that he's just really into a high school related gossip, whether it be Veronica Mars now in high school or what Jake and Lianne were up to when they were in high school?
HZ: The big reveal is Abel Koontz is Gossip Girl. This is a horrible scene, though. And not just because he's doing so much clunky exposition. It's very sinister, the power dynamics are very much not to Veronica's advantage. And she gets into her car and grips the steering wheel and cries. Kristen Bell does some very good cry-acting, I think, because there's the bit where it looks like she's managing to stop crying and then she cries even harder. That's some quality crying to me. And that's the end of the episode. And so we should check in with our resident authority on law and Southern Californianess Lo Dodds, to check the accuracy of this episode in today's LoDown.
THE LODOWN
JOY: Is it an offence of some kind for Veronica to secretly film Kimmy perfectly through the vents of her locker?
LO DODDS: We've had this previously. Wiretapping in California: it's a two party consent state, which means both people who are being recorded have to consent. So as far as that was a crime, I think every time they bug someone, it's a crime. It's basically only a misdemeanour. And again, Veronica's a juvenile, so she probably wouldn't get much for it. But yes, it's still recording. Still bad.
JOY: What is Renny the French IT guy looking at - this is statutory rape and in California what kind of sentence does that carry?
LO DODDS: She's under 18. So he's getting time for this. And he's definitely registering as a sex offender. Renny's in serious, serious trouble. Statutory rape is a felony.
HZ: But then Veronica takes pictures of statutory rape occuring.
JOY: That can't be legal?
LO DODDS: That's child porn.
JOY: Oh god, again! Veronica, even though she's under 18, caught again, in the child pornography.
LO DODDS: She's basically committing child pornography. I say she's committing - she is producing child pornography. If she was planning on disseminating that, that would be a huge crime. You cannot take naked pictures of kids who are under 18 and just have that be an okay thing. That is a crime of moral turpitude. It's a real problem. It's a crime because it is a really bad thing to do, not just because it's a crime, you know, because you've broken the law. And the law says you should not do x. She's going to wind up back on the sex offender registry for sure.
JOY: Oh, my God, we cannot keep Veronica off the sex offender registry.
HZ: Would the Pam one get into any trouble for posting a fake purity test that caused Meg so much distress?
LO DODDS: They could sue her for defamation, for slander, for libel; they could be looking at some serious damages, especially considering Meg had such a great reputation. And she's not a public figure. So they don't have to prove that they meant it with any terrible malice. They don't have to reach any sort of standard. They posted something that was false and damaged a reputation.
JOY: Next. What's up with Keith and Mrs. Fennel's tenant? Is he committing a crime by trying to scare this man out of his apartment by barking and screaming?
LO DODDS: Yeah, so California has really strict landlord-tenant rules. Keith is engaging in what they would call self help. And you're not allowed to do that in California. You can't just kick your tenant out for no good reason. That whole interaction between Mrs. Fennel and Deputy sacks where he's like, "I can't help you, the police don't deal with this. It's a civil matter." That's correct. In the sense that what you're talking about is somebody breaching their contract, which is not something that police are going to get involved with. You're gonna have to file a lawsuit; they're going to have to answer; it's going to take some time. And then you have to get the sheriff to go kick them out. It is, as Keith said, really long and slow. But they don't let people like Keith break in, which he is doing.
JOY: Of course.
LO DODDS: He is criminally trespassing. Because as that time, the shady tenant dude had possession of that apartment. That was his domicile.
HZ: Were there any other options available to Mrs Fennel to get rid of this tenant? Ideally legal ones.
LO DODDS: Most landlords will run a background check on their tenants. So if she had seen what Keith had seen, which was that this guy had a total record, and then he commits criminal trespassing, obviously, because he breaks into their house. And if he stole their food, so he broke into their house with an intent to commit petty theft, that's burglary. So if she had known that he had a record, if she might have been able to say, you know, this guy's on probation, or he's, he's broken parole or something; she might have been able to get that guy out a little bit quicker. And then with the whole, let's say, attempted murder, of going into their house, turning on all the gas and basically trying to kill them. That might have been a good enough reason for Deputy Sachs to pick them up and be like, you know, you need to leave.
JOY: I just have one more question about this episode. Can just any random person visit somebody who's on death row?
LO DODDS: No. Veronica is right in approaching Cliff, Abel Koontz's public defender. But either way, they have to approve you, you get reapproved seven days in advance. It's a big deal to go visit somebody on death row. And Veronica is committing some more crimes by getting a fake ID, so she could also be charged with presenting false documents to a police officer. Having fake ID regularly, it can be charged as a misdemeanour or felony. And if you're just like a kid who wants to buy, what, in 2004, Zima, it might not be a big deal. But if you are using it to get into a prison, that's a real problem.
JOY: That does seem a lot more serious than a Zima.
LO DODD: It’s not cool.
HZ: Well, this felt like a very eventful episode. Jenny, Do you have a favourite line?
JOY: It was hard to keep up. But I was able to make a selection. My number one pick is when Keith Mars says, "Am I giving you the birds and bees again, Wallace?" What about you?
HZ: I enjoyed quite a lot of Keith. But I'm going to give this to Cliff for saying, "I failed criminal law, and I still know that can't be good." I like how much it says about Cliff in a very economic and funny way.
JOY: Hell yeah.
HZ: And then what about your score for this episode, Jenny?
JOY: What even is the mysteriousness of mystery score? I I tend to try to rank it on just sort of like, did I know what was going on before I was explicitly told what was going on? And actually, if that's the metric, almost everything is a five out of five for me. But this one in particular, there were so many new characters being involved in so much stuff being thrown at us that I gave it five out of five instant messages from Froggy the Frog.
HZ: I think what I like about this episode is it's a great episode for Keith; you meet with these characters that I'm pleased to have in the show, like Meg and Mac and Alicia Fennel; and I like Veronica having some female friendship that doesn't feel completely forced. There's no Logan or Weevil his episode, maybe they're still enjoying each other in detention.
JOY: Oh, hell yeah. KISS.
HZ: But they might have been interesting regarding purity, because they actually seem like characters who fuck, unlike pretty much any of the rest of them.
JOY: That's true.
HZ: But I do think I do think this is a horrible episode for gross toxic behaviour and sex shaming. Like who in Neptune is having the right amount of sex according to these people's prejudices? Like just enough, but not too much?
JOY: And if girls aren't supposed to be having sex and boys are who are the boys supposed to have sex with - each other? Is that the secret?
HZ: I don't know. Again, this is such a militantly heterosexual show - very few LGBTQ characters in the whole thing. And then, I think the problem I have with the purity test plot, apart from that, is that it's not one where you can follow clues and deduce it in any way, which is kind of what an ideal detective mystery is. It's not just the solution is thrown at you out of the blue and basically everything you learned before that is irrelevant. And I think it is a bit gross. But overall, because of the character work, I enjoyed the episode; I would say 3.8 cars that are supposedly shit but look pretty good to me out of 5. So I guess that's another episode of Veronica Mars investigated.
JOY: Case. Closed. KISS!
HZ: That was Season 1, episode 8: Like a Virgin.
JOY: Watch season 1 episode 9 and join us in a week to investigate it.
HZ: Find the show on Twitter, Instagram and Facebook @VMIpod.
JOY: The website, where the show lives until it gets evicted by Keith Mars at six in the morning, is vmipod.com
HZ: I'm Helen Zaltzman. You can hear more of my work on the Allusionist, an entertainment show about language and how and why we use it the way we do, at theallusionist.org. You can also see it at some of the live shows I’m doing across North America, the listings are at theallusionist.org/events.
JOY: I'm Jenny Owen Youngs. You can learn more about the music stuff that I do at JennyOwenYoungs.com, including the three songs I have recently released; and you can hear my voice speaking more on my other podcast Buffering the Vampire Slayer.
HZ: It is always wonderful pleasure to hear your voice speaking and singing. So I thoroughly recommend people direct themselves to those things.
JOY: Helen!
HZ: No, you’re welcome. This episode was edited and mixed by Zach McNees.
JOY: Thank god! Music from Martin Austwick and Jenny Owen Youngs.
HZ: The sheriff of this town is Hrishikesh Hirway.
JOY: Distributed by PRX.
HZ: Until next time, who’s your daddy?
JOY: Who’s your daddy.
HZ: Woof! Woof! Woof!
JOY: Oh yeah.
HZ: Did it make you terrified?
JOY: Nah.
HZ: Did it make you want to just sit in bed and watch rather than leave?
JOY: Yeah, I was mesmerized.