VMI 1.12: Clash of the Tritons transcript
Content note: Veronica Mars contains heavy themes, and this episode includes storylines concerning violence, murder and suicide.
Even even Sheriff Lamb, the worst detective in the world, could deduce that there will be spoilers for this episode of Veronica Mars. But we promise there will not be spoilers for subsequent episodes of Veronica Mars.
A LONG TIME AGO, ON VERONICA MARS:
There’s a secret society! Because where there are rich white boys, there are secret societies.
Someone is trying to pin a fake ID racket on Veronica! She didn’t do it!
What she is guilty of is being great at karaoke.
Duncan, however… not so much.
And even though you thought the Echolls family couldn’t get any bleaker, it gets a ton bleaker.
JOY: Running naked through school in a ski mask, I’m Jenny Owen Youngs.
HZ: And switching your stapler for a spy stapler, I’m Helen Zaltzman.
You’re listening to Veronica Mars Investigations Season 1, episode 12: Clash of the Tritons.
HZ: Fun fact: Harry Hamlin was in Clash of the Titans.
JOY: Oh my god Really? Was he a Titan? Was he a God? Who was he?
HZ: He played Perseus.
JOY: Woo! He looks great too look at that head of hair, huh?
HZ: He's just wearing a cloak and some little underpants.
JOY: There's like a like a sort of a capey thing. And then there's like a toga-y, tunic-y thing. Hot.
HZ: A lot of loincloth pics of him on Google him.
JOY: Hell yeah! Hell yeah.
HZ: Guess who's back? Back again? Guidance counsellor Miss James is back! Tell your friend she's got a grant to study the long term effects of grief in students.
JOY: This is weird.
HZ: It is weird! The show must have got a grant to bring her character back for another episode. If you're bringing anyone back, bring back Sidney Tamiia Poitier.
JOY: True. Also just this just seems unethical. “I got a grant so I'm going to double down on my research while I'm doing guidance counsellor work.”
HZ: “I'll just use the time I'm being paid for to do work that someone else is paying for.”
JOY: Yeah. “And also I'll just use these students as like part of my case study without anyone's permission.”
HZ: Also the scenes that you get of Miss James doing grief counselling - she doesn't seem that good at it. There's a lot of like putting feelings in people's minds and mouths.
JOY: Yeah, right? She doesn't seem very neutral.
HZ: No. Or that smart. Veronica is waiting for her appointment with Miss James, which you think, well, you know, Veronica forced Miss James's breakup with Keith Mars; is she going to be able to be fair about Veronica Mars? And there's some young men running around the halls naked.
JOY: Naked in ski masks! Yeah!
HZ: Usually if you're cold enough wear a ski mask, you want the rest of your body to be covered?
JOY: Traditionally, yes, but not in this instance. Also, Veronica is sitting next to a guy who's wearing an MIT sweatshirt and he got MIT early admission and you know that he must be smart because of these things, and also because of the fact that what is he doing in the guidance counsellor waiting area? He's playing a game of chess against himself.
HZ: Wow. What a cool guy.
JOY: I mean.
HZ: Veronica is wearing a brown hoodie with a hairy hood. It looks like a partial Where The Wild Things Are costume.
JOY: Look, we've all been there, Helen.
HZ: It's like your day Where The Wild Things Are outfit. A shot they love in this episode is the ceiling cam in Miss James's office, which Veronica probably planted there on a previous visit.
JOY: Oh, definitely, yeah, the show is just borrowing her feed.
HZ: Lots of ceiling POV shots of people having these sessions with Miss James. And Miss James was like, “Wow, when Lilly died, you were really inconsolable. I hope you can talk about it now because you're never going to come to terms with all that pain bottled up inside you” - prescribe your feelings, prescribe your feelings, prescribe your feelings.
JOY: Yeah, this is not how therapy works or is supposed to work.
HZ: Veronica is only there because she's a-schemin’. But she's being extra rude and very diffident. She's pissing about with Miss James's stapler, and she's like “I don't want to talk”, which I think is fair. And so it's like, what is real and what is detective acting? Or has she just engineered her detective plot to vent real feelings about Miss James?
JOY: I think that Veronica really doesn't want to talk about her grief and really does want to solve a murder about her grief instead; that feels legit. Maybe she's being like a little extra standoffish. But maybe she doesn't really have to fake it - although she did win, Miss James isn't seeing her dad anymore, so maybe she could mellow out.
HZ: But she's playing with the stapler, partly as a sign of rudeness and partly so she can swap it with a spy stapler! Is there an office supplies catalogue has identical models of the most common stationary items but with cameras in?
JOY: And had Veronica noted what kind of stapler she had before? Like on a previous trip to Miss James’s office?
HZ: I admire the research.
JOY: The important questions of our times.
HZ: And also does it function as a real stapler?
JOY: Oh, great question.
HZ: I suppose it must, because otherwise it would arouse suspicion.
JOY: Right. She wants to pry into other people's grief counselling sessions theoretically in service to solving the murder but, man, this feels far.
HZ: Over in the media room, where Sidney Tamiia Poitier will not be seen again, there's a guy called Rick looming over a green light box. He's wanted in the office and someone puts a slip of paper next to him on to the light box. And vice principal Clemmons and Sheriff Lamb are in the office, and they've got terrible news.
JOY:Tim, Rick's best friend, was dropped off by Rick at an emergency room last night with I guess what we're meant to believe is severe alcohol poisoning, he hasn't regained consciousness.
HZ: Had his stomach pumped.
JOY: They surveilled the drop off area and discovered that Rick was the person to drop him off. Lamb's face gets so still while he like rattles off and his eyes remain piercing and like he doesn't blink. It's really kind of worth a rewatch, if you want to feel creeped out.
HZ: Lamb is really doing some of his best work intimidating high schoolers in this episode. That's really his sweet spot, isn't it? And also, he makes a lot of fabric noise in this scene, his outfit really rustles.
JOY: I noticed a lot of foley stuff going on in this episode. Things that weren't necessarily lining up with what was going on.
HZ: Yeah, there's a bit later in one of the counselling office scenes where it really sounds like there's some kind of industrial motor happening near them. Maybe that's the stapler, the bug running in the stapler. Lamb spots that Rick's arm is covered in numerous stamps from bars, and Rick got in with fake IDs. And they're like, “Where do you get 'em?” And he says, “From Veronica Mars”!
JOY: Drink! Also sid you notice that they take the opportunity of when he says Veronica's name to just do a super fucking tight close-up on Rick's mouth while he says “Veronica Mars”? It's so extra!
HZ: So Lamb and Clemmons await to search Veronica's locker. She seems in sassy spirits as she joins them.
VERONICA: Just out of curiosity, what are you gentlemen hoping to find in here? Al Capone? The Lindbergh baby?
LAMB: We have reason to believe that you are manufacturing and distributing fake driver’s licenses.
VERONICA: Oooh, that’s a new one.
LAMB: It’s a second degree felony.
VERONICA: Lord knows, I hate to disappoint you boys…
JOY: She thinks she knows what's in her locker and that there's you know nothing bad in there. But oh boy, is she wrong.
HZ: Whoops - it's like a waterfall of fake IDs coming out of her locker.
JOY: The fact that somebody planted them there in such a way that they would cascade out so beautifully...
HZ: A real taste for drama, I appreciate it.
VERONICA: Wait a minute, those aren’t mine.
LAMB: I’m gonna need to search your purse as well. Either we can do this here -
VERONICA: Or down at the station?
LAMB: Lilly Kane’s driver’s license. Driver’s license for a twenty-two-year-old Veronica Mars. San Diego State student ID. Licensed massage therapist.
VERONICA: Oh yeah. Those are mine.
HZ: And Lilly Kane's driving licence. Did she use that at the sheriff's department once - she used that for the parking tickets? And there's also a San Diego State student ID which I guess she used when going to the World Hat Party in Episode 4. Lamb takes great satisfaction in cuffing Veronica:
VERONICA: You really don’t have to do that.
LAMB: You’re right about that. But I’m going to anyway.
JOY: Yeah, he's all about making her do the perp walk, as they say.
HZ: As that happens, everyone is coincidentally coming out of class and they can see it and someone offscreen shouts, "You better call your daddy, Mars!" Which - shut up.
JOY: She's like, “I call my daddy ‘daddy’ actually.”
HZ: Logan salutes her. I'm sure he is thrilled to see his minor nemesis...
JOY: And we'd be remiss if we didn't note that Logan's wearing what appears to be a sweater from Pacific Sunwear, or as it's more recently known, PacSun. That's a surf and skate shop, lifestyle brand.
HZ: Do you think Logan surfs or skates?
JOY: He definitely is a surf guy. But his sweater has a frickin lime green accent sorry. Okay, I'm done screaming.
HZ: And titles, and then the sheriff's department Veronica is in an interrogation room. And yay, her lawyer is Cliff! Although I'm not sure he's a good lawyer. I think he's even not sure that he's a good lawyer judging by this dialogue.
VERONICA: Know any good lawyers?
CLIFF: Very cute. I know an adequate one who just posted your $500 bail.
JOY: I think that his self-awareness and willingness to admit that he might not be a good lawyer makes him a better lawyer than most. Is that okay?
HZ: You know I'm fully on board with Cliff. No complaints.
JOY: And he's here to pay Veronica's bail, which was only $500, nice and affordable on the scale of possible bails. And she doesn't want to bother her dad.
HZ: He's in Arizona catching bail-jumpers.
JOY: Yep. Classic Keith.
HZ: Veronica's court date is next Tuesday at 9am. So that's a deadline.
VERONICA: So, are we gonna beat this rap?
CLIFF: Well, possession…they’ve got you pretty cold on that one. The stuff in your wallet is Mickey Mouse. It’s the IDs in the locker that they care about.
VERONICA: They were blank.
CLIFF: Right. So until the coma guy wakes up, the only thing they have tying you to this supposed fake ID ring is the testimony of the other kid.
VERONICA: What other kid?
CLIFF: Your buddy… Rick.
JOY: Walking by just at that moment.
HZ: Conveniently. Veronica is tiny in stature but strong in all ways and she shoves Rick against the wall.
JOY: Yeah, she does.
VERONICA: Howdy, Rick. Do I know you? No. Then why'd you tell Sheriff Lamb I sold you a fake ID?
RICK: It's what they told me to say.
VERONICA: Who's they?
RICK: No way. They're everywhere. They will destroy me.
VERONICA: I'll destroy you worse.
HZ: She fucking will as well.
JOY: That’s right. And it's decided by Veronica that they're going to talk about it at school tomorrow since he can't tell her in the sheriff's department. There's people may be watching.
HZ: Yeah, although to be honest, Veronica has probably bugged fewer things in the Sheriff's department than she has in the school or anywhere else. At Mars HQ, Wallace brings in Veronica’s school books.
JOY: Her books, her homework - but it's not enough, Veronica needs more favours from Wallace!
HZ: Always, always more favours from Wallace - I mean remember, she did him a favour in Episode Four, so he's beholden for life.
JOY: Oh and in episode one, if we're keeping a slow burn tally.
HZ: Do you think if he knew what he knows now, he'd be like, “It's alright, just keep me on the flagpole. I'll wait for someone else to cut me down”?
JOY: Entirely possible.
HZ: I love Wallace in this scene.
VERONICA: I need to ask another favour.
WALLACE: This mission better involve me seducing the head cheerleader.
VERONICA: I need you to poke around and see if you can get me a fake ID. If you must seduce the head cheerleader in order to accomplish your mission, so be it.
WALLACE: No sweat. How do I do that?
VERONICA: Play on her insecurity.
WALLACE: I meant the fake ID part.
VERONICA: The stakes are high, Wallace Fennel. Think, now. How would you do it?
WALLACE: Hey, Veronica?
VERONICA: Yeah?
WALLACE: I need you to get me a fake ID so I can get some fake action from a fake cheerleader.
JOY: “I need something underhanded in the school realm”, it's definitely "you are my source". But Veronica wants Wallace to kind of go semi-undercover and ask around and figure out how he can get a fake ID not from her.
HZ: Yeah, well, I guess because she's not technically allowed in school, she's got to run some people instead. At school, though, Logan pulls up in the car and he's listening to some appalling wanker talk radio.
JOY: The worst kind of radio.
HZ: Yeah, you know the time where it's like, “Hi, I'm a wanker <clown horn>. Look at all my sound effects and my canned laughter.” And these wankers are talking about Aaron Echolls getting stabbed at the party.
RADIO: If you’re breathing, then you’ve heard about Aaron Echolls getting ginsued at his own Christmas party. Explain to me why a guy who’s married to Lynn Echolls would want to bang the frigging help! It’s like the old saying goes, show me a hot chick and I’ll show you a guy who’s tired of hitting that.
JOY: Eughh, so gross. And then Logan looks meaningfully into his own rearview mirror, and then we're in the school.
HZ: Logan's having a rotten day today.
JOY: He's having a really bad day and you really feel like the out-of-sequenceness of the previous two episodes here, because coming out of An Echolls Family Christmas, it was so strange to not have anything that happened at the Christmas party referenced, like is Aaron Echolls okay? Did he survive, whatever? Now we're seeing all of that but it's it's written and shot as though it happened right after.
HZ: I suppose the episodes being out of sequence has given some time for print media to print tabloid stories about the Echollses, because that would probably take a week or two for things to filter through. And then Logan's locker is covered with some little tabloid cut-out stories and newspaper scandal, and pictures of his parents - people are crowded around looking.
JOY: Not even Logan is safe from this kind of bullshit.
HZ: No, no money in the world can keep him safe. And then Hector's around, remember Hector? I can't remember when we last saw him - in the boutique on Jessica Chastain Day?
JOY: Oh that seems right. And Hector and Logan get into it, because Hector's being pretty rude.
HZ: He's being disrespectful about Logan's mom and Logan beats him up but Hector kind of beats him up worse until they are separated. But then we cut to the guidance counsellor office ceiling shot again - and Weevil's in!
JOY: Buckle your goddamn seat belt, Helen. There's so much going on in the scene. Let me tell you about it. First of all, Weevil is wearing an incredible shirt. It is like a henley but the closures are snaps instead of traditional buttons. It's made of this thick textured material. It looks awesome on him. It is a cream colour. He looks amazing.
WEEVIL: To tell you the truth, I really don’t remember that week.
REBECCA: Hmm. You don’t remember being in this office? You slammed the chair against the wall, Eli. The last time we met it seemed like Lilly’s death had affected you in quite a profound way.
WEEVIL: Well, yeah. I was mad. You know, the same day Lilly Kane died, a little girl went missing in my neighbourhood. They found her body three months later. Where were the cameras when she went missing, where was the grief counselling for her?
REBECCA: What happened to Marisol Reyes was a tragedy, Eli. People do care. Right now I just want to talk about Lilly, okay.
WEEVIL: Oh, well, why don’t you call some of her rich white friends in here?
HZ: He has a point about how media coverage works.
JOY: He totally has a point, but he's totally covering up why he was truly upset, I think.
HZ: Well, Miss James seems astonished in all of these interviews like, "Oh, so you seemed upset when Lilly died, what's all that about?"
JOY: Somebody died, Miss James. Ever heard of it?
HZ: How has she got hold of some of the letters that Weevil wrote to Lilly.
JOY: So the letters that that Weevil wrote to Lilly, were given to her by Lilly. As she says in a minute in this scene, she says that Lilly was trying to get transferred out of her gym class because she was having trouble with a boy and she showed the letters to Miss James as proof.
HZ: And this is coming up now, like a year and a half after the murder?
JOY: I think that Miss James has like dug them out of the file to try to get Eli to talk.
HZ: It doesn’t seem to get working great.
JOY: I think Weevil gets vulnerable Weevil-face and it's very beautiful, and I love that he is a soft boy on the inside. And he's talking about how like she was on again off again with Logan and he was seeing her in one of those breaks, and she swore that she wasn't gonna go back to him but then she did. And then Weevil says, “She was someone I could have loved. And she felt it too. I know she did”. And then I cry. And then I say, "Weevil I'm here for you in this dark time. Where's your motorcycle?"
HZ: And then what does he say? “It's at the shop, my uncle's putting some new things on it.”
JOY: “It's not safe to operate a motorcycle while I'm crying, Jenny!”
HZ: “Can you give me a ride?”
JOY: Huh? Oh my god yeah. Helen, you just turned this inside out and like knocked it so far up the ladder - me driving the motorcycle, Weevil riding on the back, hell yeah!
HZ: Well if you wanted to interpret it like that I was thinking you could just give him a lift in your car and you could be like, "Do you want to go henley shopping on the way home? We could make a couple of stops."
JOY: Yes. I would love to go henley shopping with Weevil, he clearly has a finger on a pulse that escapes me, and I want it.
HZ: He certainly seems to have a finger on your pulse. But during this scene, it's the first that Veronica hears that Weevil and Lilly were seeing each other. She's listening to the stapler bug in her car, which is covered by a big blue shroud. And she's like, “Was that Lilly's big secret?” - that we see in the title sometimes where she's like, “I've got a secret. A good one” at the student car wash. Veronica multitasks, she calls Rick and he comes to find her in the car. And I did wonder whether covering your car with a big bright blue thing in the school parking lot would draw more attention to it than just leaving it.
JOY: Right? It seems unnecessary. It seems like a bad bad idea.
HZ: Also what's happened to her front passenger seat? But that's not important because Rick is here to do some exposition into the Triton secret society. Six new Junior members per year are inducted by six seniors - he and Tim were pledges and Rick's father and Rick's brothers were all Tritons, blah, blah, blah. I have no interest.
JOY: Seems like a pretty weak secret society. for the first half of the year, there's six guys. And then for the second half of the year, there's 12 guys. It seems awfully intimate.
HZ: I suppose the fewer members, the more secret it's likely to stay.
JOY: That's true.
HZ: I don't have much interest in or patience for secret societies. And it's partly because that was the kind of bullshit that they had at my university.
JOY: Oh, really? Where did you go to school? Explain yourself!
HZ: I went to Oxford.
JOY: Of course you did. Oh my god. Okay. Wait, hang on a second - is that a Pulitzer behind you? Helen and I are face timing right now. And she I'm just noticing she's in a very handsomely appointed what appears to be a home library; there's a lot of like dark oiled mahogany shelving up to the ceiling...
HZ: How do you like my brass globe?
JOY: It's a beautiful globe, she's sitting in like a leather tufted chair; there's a fireplace.
HZ: Can you see all my decanters on this facetime call?
JOY: A lot of decanters. There's like a whole wall of awards, and then there's just a cat in her arm, sleeping. I don't know, don't you think sleeping cats add a level of sophistication into this image I'm painting?
HZ: It's actually taxidermy of one of Queen Victoria's cats. But anyway, at my university, which I didn't know many, but it is overrun by posh white boys, there were certain secret societies for posh white boys. And one of them is where a lot of the political movers and shakers Britain of the last decade all were.
JOY: Terrifying.
HZ: And in one of those societies, there was the notorious evening, during which - allegedly, strong allegedly - David Cameron, later to be the Prime Minister of Britain allegedly put his alleged penis into the mouth, allegedly, of a dead pig.
JOY: Aaaaaaah! Oh, and that's like part of the inspiration for that one episode of Black Mirror?
HZ: The Piggate thing, if it happened, allegedly, would have happened way before the Black Mirror. But the story came out after the Black Mirror, in about 2015. But that was like some kind of initiation bollocks, right? And anyway, I think secret societies are some kind of bullshit. For guys. Bullshit for guys.
JOY: Yeah, I feel like if you're gonna go to all that trouble, you're probably avoiding something else.
HZ: Or maybe it's just like Freemasonry trainee schemes. Anyway, a lot of this episode I'm just annoyed by because I think secret societies are some shit. But anyway, Rick in flashback - non-smeary flashback because it's recent - he got a note in his locker two weeks ago with instructions for the Triton hazing ritual; there are 12 labours, which is a Hercules thing. And one of the labours was to go to bars and have 12 shots and Tim passed out on the 11th shot. Then in the flashback that note that Rick was passed over the light box in the scene where we first met him was a Triton note and you can tell because there's a little stamp of a conch shell on it, and it says, “Blame Veronica Mars”.
JOY: It does.
HZ: And she is pissed off!
JOY: Yes indeed.
HZ: And also pissed off Tim's family threatening to sue Rick. Rick's dad - also pissed off - calls him a coward and a traitor. A traitor to the good secret name of Triton.
JOY: The unspeakable name!
HZ: How can we let down a secret society that's just some douchebags doing stupid hazing rites? For fuck's sake.
JOY: Rick tells her that the Tritons pick the best guys in everything: academics, sports, their dads being really really really really rich.
HZ: Yeah, cuz Duncan is one - what is Duncan the best at?
JOY: Ooh - Duncan's the best at singing Grease songs on the bleachers. Probably.
HZ: I suppose Duncan is class president.
JOY: There's that.
HZ: But then they've been establishing this Duncan class traitor theme. So would Duncan want any part of this kind of elitist exclusive shell-based society?
JOY: I think just having the richest dad in Neptune would probably get you roped in.
HZ: And then in 20 years time, maybe he can be in the British cabinet ruining lives. Veronica puts a tracker on Duncan's car. It's a very busy day at the school because Aaron Echolls is coming out of the office, and Logan is waiting. He's not getting suspended, though, for the fight, and Aaron's like, "Well, I'm not happy you fought, but I'm proud you stuck up for your mom”.
JOY: And Logan's like “Fuck you, dad.”
HZ: Yeah, this is a really horrible exchange.
AARON: Listen. I’m not happy that you were fighting, but I am proud of you for sticking up for your mother.
LOGAN: You’re proud of me? Oh great. I can die happy.
AARON: You keep smarting off and I’ll help arrange it.
HZ: He is having such a shit time.
JOY: Meanwhile, across town, a very different parent-child relationship is playing out.
HZ: Cliff's at Veronica's desk at Mars HQ with his feet up reading the paper. So he's very comfortable with his part in the Mars family dynamic as a kind of deep-voiced uncle, say. Slightly dodgy cousin. Veronica rushes in and uh oh, Keith's got back from his Arizona job. Letting Veronica say a funny line:
VERONICA: Hi, Dad. Their case is fuzzy and circumstantial.
KEITH: You know the odd thing? Those were also her very first words.
HZ: Delightful dynamic.
JOY: Love it.
HZ: I feel like also, Keith is not going to believe that Veronica would have a fake ID scheme. Just last episode, she said you didn't have time for Mac's ‘dig up dirt on your parents’ scheme. So how on earth would she do this one? But they find out the criminal case is the least of Veronica's problems because Tim's parents are suing everyone involved in their son's comatose state.
JOY: This is wild also, if he comes out of the coma, then do they not sue? Do there become less grounds upon which to sue?
HZ: Yeah, good question. Because also there's the medical bills. I don't know whether Tim is one of the rich 09ers or not.
HZ: But later, Keith is just having rest on the couch when Aaron Echolls turns up.
JOY: Yes, strong-awed and in need of some help because he wants to know where these stories in the tabloids are coming from and who's delivering the photos and what's going on.
HZ: He sits down with some difficulty because of his mending stab wound.
JOY: He was recently stabbed by a pumpkin carving tool, as you may recall.
HZ: Do you think he is slightly acting for sympathy, though? Because he was moving fairly freely in the scene at the school earlier.
JOY: I don't trust Aaron Echolls at all, I would absolutely absolutely be able to believe that he was playing up his injury for sympathy. 100%.
HZ: Because Keith, at the moment, seems to be on board with him. And Aaron's like, "I can handle this wound, but not the splashy tabloid stories that are true about me cheating on my wife." And, "I'm desperate to regain the family's trust only my daughter Trina" - this the first we've heard of her - "will speak to me any more."
JOY: Daughter Trina? Yes. Isn't that interesting? I wonder if that'll ever come back around.
HZ: And he said he can't blame Logan or Lynn. So who's leaking the stories and why now? And Lynn is so fragile how much more scandal can she take? And you do think, if you don't want your wife to be upset about you cheating...
JOY: Why don't you not cheat on her? That's an idea. That's the easiest way to get it done.
HZ: Veronica is at home reading up on the mythical Triton, son of Neptune.
JOY: When in busts Detective Wallace who's on the case!
HZ: Wallace is like “Trick or treat”, which is a timely reference for early in the year.
JOY: Yeah, like when are we?
HZ: Bless this adorable dork. And Wallace has found out how the fake IDs are done because someone used one at the Sac-N-Pac where we know Wallace works. And Wallace leaned on him by threatening to use the security footage to track him down, and he seems very gleeful in this episode. He's on a high from his detectiving.
JOY: Wallace is so cute in this ep.
VERONICA: Did you figure out where he got his fake?
WALLACE: Slow down. This is my story. Followed him out to the parking lot and I was like “Yo, fella, check it out. You’re on Candid Camera.” [makes camera noises!] Gave him the four-one-one on our video playback capabilities, you know, leaned on him. Like I was Shaft or somethin'.
VERONICA: Shut yo' mouth!
WALLACE: Long story short, the guy claimed that there’s a mystery locker at school.
VERONICA: Ooo, I like it already.
JOY: You gotta put $250 in locker 110 early in the day and then I think after seventh period, a licence with your yearbook photo shows up in your locker. Isn't that nice?
HZ: So on school campus, there's got to be a fake ID manufacturing equipment load or something?
JOY: Oh, yeah, there's probably like a good laminater in the art room, the craft zone.
HZ: Right. Which you would think would be some kind of clue for how it's done. How does everyone in the school know whose locker is whose?
JOY: Who that's a good question. Maybe the person running this scam has a Wallace on the inside of admissions office?
HZ: Aah. Maybe everyone at the school has a Wallace. It's like in Phillip Pullman when everyone has a daemon, but in Neptune everyone has a Wallace. Useful intel for Veronica. So the next day early morning at school, early enough that someone is still polishing the floor. And we see that the floor has this big inlaid Neptune Pirates compass insignia thing with, in the middle, a conch shell, just like in the Tritons logo. I also love that all of the Tritons’ notes have this shell stamped on on so they must all have a little rubber stamp with a shell!
JOY: Who's making this stationery?
HZ: It's adorable; you can imagine buying that stationary for your mom. But has Veronica seen the shell? Because we've only seen the Triton shell in the note in Rick's flashback, which, may I say, is not necessarily reliable information.
JOY: I think while she was reading up on Triton - the god - she saw him holding that shell in her little book. She also has all the materials needed for some kind of educational camera display.
HZ: Of course she does, she's got a lot of cameras, she can spare a few.
JOY: But also the sign that goes behind them about like whatever the hell the display supposed to be about.
HZ: It says "The camera sees what the eye often misses" - A. Adams. So I assume they're trying to attribute this either to Ansel Adams or Amy Adams.
JOY: Or perhaps both.
HZ: I did look it up to see if it was an exact Ansel Adams quotation. And it did seem like he said some things that were kind of like that, but not the same.
JOY: They just rounded them all together, right?
HZ: “Cameras. I use those to take pictures of stuff” - Ansel Adams. And so she's creating this camera display so that she can do a spy cam on locker 110. This episode was written by the same writer who wrote episode eight about the purity test so they have a thing about filming lockers.
JOY: Oh, yeah. Who hurt this person with a camera in a locker?
HZ: There's a bottle episode filmed entirely in a locker. Unfortunately, we go back to the counsellor’s office.
JOY: And it's Logan's turn in the hot seat.
HZ: He calls Miss James ‘Becky’. She is a bit of a Becky.
JOY: Yeah, also it’s so Logan to do that. But do you believe Weevil and Logan and later Duncan just talking with such frankness to this woman about their relationships to Lilly?
HZ: No, I don't believe it .
JOY: And with such ease?
HZ: Also at the beginning, Veronica said that she volunteered for the appointment because she had her stapler plan. But I do find it hard to believe that Logan or Weevil would have voluntarily gone in for this.
JOY: Yeah, maybe there was some kind of trade-off that that they were offered and in return for participating in Miss James's weird research.
HZ: We get some useful information about Logan and Lilly's relationship though: they had been on and off for two years since junior high, but they were off at the time of Lilly's death, because Logan had been stood up by Lilly at a party and so kissed another girl for approx three seconds. But Veronica saw it, which I thought, “Did she though?” because that seems like the kind of information that she would have ratted out in one of her voiceovers early on when she's explaining why Logan is so shit and talking about his and Lilly’s relationship and stuff.
JOY: Maybe she's blocked it out for some reason.
LOGAN: And if she hadn’t ratted me out, then Lilly and I would have stayed together. And Lilly wouldn’t have been alone that day. I would have been there. So, yeah, I blame Veronica. And I blame myself for being stupid and I blame Lilly for being a bitch that week.
REBECCA: You know there is another of looking at this, Logan. If you’d still been together, you might be dead too.
LOGAN: And what is so great about living?
HZ: Bit of a reach, but very heartbreaking.
JOY: Yeah, and that's rough. I mean, it does explain like the degree to which Logan seems to have venom in his heart for Veronica.
HZ: But someone's happy: Wallace is happy. At the Mars house, he's just yapping some shit about basketball practice.
WALLACE: I was on FIRE out there. Three point line, hand in my face, fade away like Jordan! Boom!
VERONICA: Great.
WALLACE: 'Course, you're not listening to word I say. So I might as well have said, "Blah blah blah, blah, blabbity blah blah."
VERONICA: Mm hm.
JOY: Oh my god. I would listen to Wallace describe his recent basketball triumphs indefinitely - love it. Wish that was the whole show.
HZ: I'm glad that Wallace often seems to be a happy character.
JOY: Yeah.
HZ: But Veronica is fairly distracted because she's watching the tracker on Duncan's car and she's planning to go off and find Duncan wherever he is. But Wallace is like, "Oh, look! I got myself a fake ID!"
JOY: Yeah, and these fake IDs are not up to Veronica's standards. They're missing a hologram! The ink is is bleeding at the edges. She is like, "How dare they try to say that I made these fake IDs, the fake IDs I make look amazing. The work of a professional.”
HZ: "Did you not see how I managed to get the exact same model of stapler for my spy stapler?" Attention to detail is part of the Mars MO.
JOY: Absolutely.
HZ: But now we track Duncan down to a karaoke bar.
JOY: And we wish we hadn't.
HZ: Oh my god, there's a crowd of people watching the most hellish karaoke voluntarily, and when Wallace and Veronica walk in there was some awful singing - like deliberately awful singing like someone doing bad singing acting. And it's because singing Duncan is back.
DUNCAN [singing horribly]: Swing low, sweet chariot, coming for to carry me home…
WALLACE: I'm afraid, Veronica! I'm afraid!
HZ: But it's odd because we know that Duncan can sing quite a lot better than this. So were the Tritons like, “For your pledge, you have to do deliberate shit singing”?
JOY: Based on the guy who follows him and what we know about Duncan's singing chops such as they are, I would say yeah, that they have to deliberately embarrass themselves at karaoke.
HZ: Because I thought Duncan did quite a decent job of fake drunkenly singing the Heatmiser song in Episode 10.
JOY: Yeah, and frickin Grease. Let us not forget Grease.
HZ: Also what the fuck karaoke bar has songs such as ‘Swing Low Sweet Chariot’, ‘On Top of Old Smokey’, and ‘Hokey cokey’? This is like a scout bonfire playlist.
JOY: Whoa, did you say “Hokey Cokey”? Is that what it's called?
HZ: That's what we call it in Britain. What do you call it in America? ‘Hokey Pokey’?
JOY: Hokey Pokey. Hokey Cokey sounds like a drug song. Sounds like you guys are getting wild.
HZ: We do the hokey cokey and then we turn around. And that's what that drug's all about. It's the only way we can turn. Otherwise, face backwards all the time.
JOY: Yeah.
HZ: Anyway, this is how tiresome secret societies are because Veronica asks Duncan to introduce her to his Triton buddies and he just says some gibberish to her.
JOY: Are all three of these sentences sentences that have every letter in the alphabet in them? And are they only allowed to use those sentences while they're in this weird karaoke bar?
HZ: Good spot.
VERONICA: Nice performance, Duncan. I was wondering if you could introduce me to a few of your Triton buddies.
DUNCAN: Brawny gods just flocked up to quiz and vex him.
VERONICA: If you could just tell me who’s in charge then I can personally thank him for putting fake IDs in my locker and getting me hauled off to the sheriff’s department.
DUNCAN: Quick wafting zephyrs vex bold Jim, I…
VERONICA: That’s very illuminating. Forget about me for a second. Tell me about Sunday night, you do know that the Tritons are responsible for putting a kid in the hospital, right? Tim is in a coma right now because of what your secret club forced him to do. Can you live with that, Duncan?
DUNCAN: The quick brown fox jumped over the lazy dog, I…
VERONICA: Ugh.
HZ: But then later Duncan comes back to give Veronica a Triton note with the shell stamp because they take stationery everywhere with them. And thus Veronica is announced as the next karaokeist and everyone chants, "Sing, sing, sing, sing!" despite already knowing what happens when people sing at this hellacious karaoke joint.
JOY: They go to the commercial break. Veronica's like, “Will I sing or won't I?” and everyone's chanting and then it comes back and it's more of the same. But ultimately she does it. For the case!
HZ: It's such a weird cut because it suggests that time has passed. So maybe Veronica blacks out for like 40 minutes and people are still like, "Sing sing sing!" while she considers what to do. But she does sing, because Kristen Bell can sing. And she sings ‘One Way Or Another’ by Blondie, slightly out of time.
VERONICA [singing]: I’m gonna getcha
getcha, getcha, getcha
One way or another
I’m gonna win ya
I’m gonna getcha
I’ll getcha
One way or another.
JOY: This is like my one critique. I feel like her pitch is good, she has great moves, she's getting the audience engaged, but her timing - it's just like, lay back, Veronica, relax. It's not a race.
HZ: Although maybe that is realistic. You don't want it too perfect because Veronica hasn't rehearsed, she is reading it off the autocue.
JOY: True true, okay, maybe it was an acting choice.
HZ: Lyrically a good choice of song for the situation - she is going to get you get you get you get you.
JOY: Every single one of them, she's gonna get.
HZ: There's a lot of swift cuts in this performance, though, and it makes the scene exhausting.
JOY: Exhausting. Also the way that the way that the audience is responding, over time -
HZ: Loving it!
JOY: Especially with the way when she finishes Wallace is like, “Yeah!” It's so over the fuckin' top.
HZ: Veronica scores 9s and 10s from the judges - or are they judges or are they just people who love holding up numbers having a shit night out at the worst karaoke bar? On the basis of this performance Veronica is invited to someone else's toilet office.
JOY: You know, it's nice to get out of your own toilet office and into someone else's once in a while!
HZ: With a lot more graffiti.
JOY: Yeah, there's like a stand up bass, I think, painted on the stalls.
HZ: In one of the stalls, there's some dickhead talking about the great Triton in a silly voice, a Wizard of Oz kind of voice. Unfortunately, his lines run out before Veronica's curiosity does and it turns out, he's just some guy called Jeff, who was paid $20 to do a prank.
JOY: Oh, Jeff, enjoy that $20.
HZ: He's probably spent it on drinks at this karaoke place because otherwise, how could you stand it? Also, how long was Jeff sat in the toilet waiting for this to happen?
JOY: Also, why do people in TV shows sit on public toilet seats in their clothes? Why? Why do they do it, Helen? Why?
HZ: I don't know, maybe the Tritons gave him some kind of a protective cushion.
JOY: The evil Gods just put an image in my mind which is a person sitting on a toilet - public toilet seat - in their clothes, drinking milk out of the jug at the same time. Wow, now I want to die.
HZ: Jenny, why would you do that to yourself?
JOY: Okay. Sometimes I just think terrible thoughts. So it's time for Veronica to pick up her camera display.
HZ: How long does the battery last? How long did they record for?
JOY: Dude, I didn't see her like put in like motion sensor activation or anything. It's wild.
HZ: She also set it on a 30 second time lapse which seems like way too big intervals for her purposes.
JOY: Oh, true. That's a really. good point, Helen. Also what is the display of on the shelf above the cameras? It looks to me like a display of mouthwash and cotton balls.
HZ: Later when the Echolls family are sitting in front of it, it's a display of soap and it’s kind of advertising to students, “Hey students, why don't you try washing yourself with soap?”
JOY: What a great suggestion!
HZ: Which explains all the sort of white bbbbles that Veronica moves out the way to put her camera display, because I guess that represents soap bubbles.
JOY: I guess so.
HZ: Rick, unfortunately, is here. He seems very shaken. He's like, “A rat was nailed alive to my front door.”
JOY: Terrifying. I mean, of course, it didn't happen. We know now that it didn't happen, but urrgh.
HZ: And what's he trying to do by telling Veronica that is he just trying to amp up the stakes?
JOY: The drama, the drama!
HZ: What's he hoping for by getting Veronica to help him with this, ultimately?
JOY: That's a good question - since we know that it is actually him, what is the purpose of him…?
HZ: Yeah, who is he hoping that she will pin it on?
JOY: Oh, the Tritons, I guess he wants to hurt the Tritons. So he's hoping that...
HZ: But if he hadn't falsely accused her, then she would have less motivation to find the correct solution to this mystery.
JOY: So what do you falsely accused her because he wants to hurt her as well.
JOY: Rick's got a lot of anger. You know who should be in Ms. James’ office, is Rick.
HZ: Maybe he doesn't have the grief that is the thing that is relevant to her study.
JOY: Right. Well, and definitely the therapist's needs to should come way before the students'.
HZ: But you know who is seeing Miss James now is Duncan.
JOY: Miss James is wearing a jacket with an enormous, enormous fake flower on it.
HZ: It's probably got a spycam in it.
JOY: Veronica probably put a spycam in it while she wasn't looking.
HZ: Keith probably gave it to her as a love gift. Here's a bouquet of flowers with implements in.
JOY: “I'll always be with you.“
HZ: And it's also for her study. You know, there's extra credit if she turns in some secret footage of children grieving. Veronica is listening to Duncan via the bug. He's sort of mental health-shaming himself.
DUNCAN: Lilly used to make this face when my mom was railing on me that would make me lose it. So I’d try not to look at her but I could like, feel her making the face at me. And that’s what it’s like, all the time. I think she’s watching me. It’s like whenever I do anything, I-I can feel her there and she can see me. It’s like I’m never, ever alone. I sound like a total psycho.
REBECCA: You sound like someone who lost his sister.
DUNCAN: And his mind.
REBECCA: How long have you been feeling like this?
DUNCAN: Since I stopped taking my meds.
REBECCA: Uh, does your physician know about this? Have you had any episodes?
DUNCAN: Oh, I only stopped the anti-depressant. I’m still taking the old stand-bys.
VERONICA [listening in car]: What kind of episodes?
JOY: And we don't know what these ‘episodes’ are, and neither does Veronica. And, and we should give Miss James credit where credit is due while Duncan is shaming himself and saying like, “I sound crazy,” she says, “No, you sound like someone who lost a sister.”
HZ: That is the one good thing she says, because then she also does some highly speculative stick about like, “Oh, maybe the meds blocked you from grieving her death at the time.”
JOY: What the hell? Who let this lady in here? Like the real Dr. James is actually like in a chest in the far corner of the room.
HZ: She polyjuiced the real Dr James! Duncan is upset that he can't remember what happened when Lilly died. He's got a blank from soccer practice that morning and then being in a limo three days later. A limo to her funeral, I guess?
JOY: That sounds right. I think we've seen that in flashback in earlier episodes.
HZ: I do think if someone's murdered, the funeral is not going to happen that quickly because the body wouldn't be released.
JOY: True.
HZ: But then Veronica's listening is interrupted. The car-covering disguise has not gone unnoticed, and she is pulled out of her car by some hooded and masked Tritons and you think also those costumes in the middle of the day and abducting a person would attract some attention.
JOY: Yeah, but no. And it's just like a hard cut, they pull her out and then cut to Veronica inside the trunk of her own car.
HZ: Luckily, she's got her Wallace to do unlimited favours for her. So she calls him - it's quite cute.
VERONICA: Hey, Wallace, whatcha doin’? Uh-huh. No, I haven’t seen that one. Yes, Dave Chapelle is great. Listen, the real reason I'm calling? Funny story....
HZ: When he comes to rescue her I notice her car keys are in the lock on the car trunk? Why?
JOY: Don't know! I guess so that Wallace could get her out. I guess they're not trying to kill her, they're just trying to - they were just trying to like teach her a lesson or mess with her or something.
HZ: Maybe, as established in previous episodes, Veronica's car is widely held to be a piece of shit, so no one is going to steal it. And Helen Zaltzman, who's the one person who thinks it isn't a piece of shit, can't drive so she's not gonna steal it.
JOY: Safe from Helen!
HZ: Veronica is immediately snapping back to action. She gets into the car ready to drive but over the bug, she hears some Tritonic chanting.
JOY: Tritonic!
HZ: It's coming from inside the school. Conveniently they're doing some chanting not that far away from the stapler.
JOY: Oh my god. What's the range on this thing? Jesus.
HZ: It's a fucking great spy stapler, Jenny. Premium quality.
JOY: I should never have doubted her spy gear choices.
HZ: It can staple fifty sheets of paper and it has a 1000 yard range.
JOY: And boy oh boy, these Tritons they have a conch, conk, conch, conk? Conch shell.
HZ: I looked up on Wikipedia earlier and it said both pronunciations are valid.
JOY: Good, conch is native to me.
HZ: I'm too enraged by what I see Jenny really to process it verbally. So describe, use your words to paint this diabolical picture of male wankerness.
JOY: There are boys in robes. Six of them are kneeling. One of them has a conch shell. There are different colour robes for the juniors and the seniors basically.
HZ: White robes for the novices, just like in nuns. Green robes for the seniors, just like the sports team.
JOY: Once the head guy with the conch shell says that everybody has passed - everyone who they tapped - oh interesting, all six people that they tapped,made it all the way through the trials. And now they are free to look upon each other as brothers.
HZ: So how do you account for the one that is in hospital, in a coma? Hmmm. One smells a rat nailed to the door.
JOY: Yes, yes. They all take their hoods off. They look at each other. Veronica's like:
VERONICA: Hi everybody! Say “repressed homosexuality”!
HZ: What is her deal?
JOY: ...takes a bunch of pictures of them and runs away. Yeah. Hmm.
HZ: They chase her, she leaps into the car. Wallace is the getaway driver. He's having an exciting time this episode; he’s getting lots done.
JOY: He's doing undercover work, he's peeling out in the getaway car, he's being adorable and charming everywhere he goes.
HZ: He's getting some basketball done. He's working at the Sac-n-Pac. He's such a busy chap.
JOY: He is a busy chap - you know, Veronica loves to talk about how busy she is. But she never talks about how busy Wallace is.
HZ: Yeah, cuz Wallace is also doing a job and all the favours, unpaid, for Veronica.
JOY: We have to imagine he's probably babysitting his little brother some of the time.
HZ: Such a cute brother. And at the Mars home Veronica is like, “This video should show who's running the mystery locker but no one goes near it. Oh my God, I've realised how it's done.” And Wallace is just like really sleepy behind, doesn't give a shit.
JOY: Dude, dude, but she's like, “No one goes to the locker. How else could they have gotten Wallace's name?” and Wallace, half asleep behind her on the couch, is like, “Veronica, I'm still here.” And it's the most them moment you know where she's just like blazing ahead and it's like, “Oh yeah, Wallace exists! I forget a lot of the time.”
HZ: He's like, "Just release me from this earthly torment, you've already made me listen to karaoke of ‘Swing Low Sweet Chariot’ this episode."
JOY: Oh my god, Veronica is like - you know how in Jurassic Park it's posited that T Rex can only see you, its vision is motion-based, it can only see you when you're moving? I should say that this has since been debunked, and this is not actually held as scientific fact or belief. But for the purposes of like what people learned in Jurassic Park, or thought they learned in Jurassic Park, Veronica only sees Wallace when she needs a favour, this is my new theory.
HZ: Of course - well it's like her and Weevil, they only see each other when they need favours.
JOY: She's really just living a favour-based economy. I'm just thinking about how Burning Man is all barter-based.
HZ: Yeah, maybe this is just training them up for Burning Man. It's one of those episodes where both Marses are busy on cases. And Keith has cracked the “Who's selling stories on Aaron Echolls?” case. There's a brief scene in him telling Aaron Echolls that he's not going to like the answer. But what I would have enjoyed is a scene of Keith investigating this and calling up the National Inquisitor or whatever fake tabloid exists in the show. How do you find out who sold stories on a celeb?
JOY: I guess if you're a PI, maybe you have contacts at those publications. You log on to private eyez with a z.com, you navigate to Shady Tabloid Contacts and then you swipe right or you swipe left and it's as easy that!
HZ: God, it's like the best search engine in the world.
JOY: Yeah, it's got everything!
HZ: I would take a spin off show about the people behind private eyez with a z.com.
JOY: I would also take that show, that would be good, let's get that.
HZ: Veronica is heading towards a very satisfying conclusion to her case of the week. She goes to the sheriff's department with a big box of donuts for Lamb, which is more donuts than he deserves. Which is no donuts.
JOY: Yeah, but like probably Leo's gonna get some of those donuts, probably Sachs is going to get some of those donuts; Inga, let's not forget about Inga. She deserves a donut.
HZ: I bet Inga doesn't eat donuts though because she's worried about getting fatshamed by Lamb if she's caught near any food - don't you think that's what would happen in that office?
JOY: I feel like Lamb might try, but Inga seems like she knows herself and if she wants a donut, she'll fucking eat a donut, Lamb be damned.
HZ: Lamb be Damned is a good slogan, Jenny.
JOY: Thank you.
HZ: Veronica and Lamb have this little power struggle exchange. By power struggle I mean Lamb struggling for it and Veronica is easily winning it.
LAMB: Your court date isn’t until next Tuesday, right?
VERONICA: We might as well go ahead and cancel that while I’m here.
LAMB: Really? Why’s that?
VERONICA: Well I thought, for a change, you might be interested in having the real criminal stand trial. In the meantime, I’m gonna have a seat in your lounge, learn how to turn men into jelly with a new way of walking, and wait for the bad guy to turn himself in.
LAMB: I don’t have time for your games.
VERONICA: And I don’t have time to wrongfully tamper with a government-issued document if I’m stuck here in your office.
JOY: Oh, hell yeah. Lamb is about to get trounced.
HZ: She says that she will take any charge Lamb wants to throw her if she's not delivered the culprit by 5pm. And you know that Lamb has got hundreds of things. E String Strangler - that was Veronica Mars.
JOY: Yeah 100%. And so she gives him the the fake ID instructions.
VERONICA: Write the name of any student on this post-it, put it in the envelope and have one of your minions drop it into locker one-ten. By the end of the day, that kid'll have a fake ID and you'll have yourself a crook. And I'll be sittin' over here, chillin' like a villain.
JOY: Meanwhile, she calls Rick and she's like, “Hey, they're hauling the real bad guy in and I found out who the Tritons are - I'm gonna nail them to the wall like rats.”
HZ: Why do you think she places this call to Rick? She does have a taste for the theatrical doesn't she?
JOY: She does. And I think she wants him to be there with the $250 in his wallet when she can like kind of like say the Lamb like, “See, I didn't do it and here's the guy who did,” all in one fell swoop.
HZ: Why would Rick come?
JOY: Why did he come?
HZ: Why would he come? Why would he respond to that when he knows?
JOY: I think because he wants to know who the Tritons are, he wants to hurt them. It is a little flimsy. I'm with you. While I was watching it. I was kind of like, “Eh, okay.”
HZ: We're about to enter a world of pain at school. Logan and Lynn Echolls are sitting in front of Veronica's camera display, hopefully not blocking the spycam's view. And so here we see the display about soap. And Aaron Echolls arrives and he is pissed off because he has discovered that the person leaking the stories was Lynn.
JOY: Dude. Yes. And he's like, “why did you do this as you want to ruin my career? Make sure I never work again?”
HZ: “Get a big divorce settlement?”
JOY: Yeah. And she's like, “Oh, of course that's where your head goes, did it ever occur to you that I just want to hurt you like you hurt me?” Lynn Echolls, oh my God.
HZ: It's sad: again, Aaron Echolls, if you didn't want shit to come down don't do a big shit on top of the door.
JOY: Yeah. Aaron you could have prevented this. When Aaron starts leaning into kind of like threaten Lynn like:
AARON: You had private detectives following me.
LYNN: Only on location. The women here I’ve always known.
LOGAN: Gosh, Mom. Gee, Dad. Will I be going to live with Grandma?
AARON: Listen to me. If you try to divorce me, I will leave you with nothing. No house. No career. No club memberships. No maid, and no friends.
LOGAN: Dad, you say another word to her and I will kill you.
LYNN: I cannot take this anymore.
JOY: Lynn can't take it; she leaves, she goes to her spicy little red convertible; she takes a bunch of pills, and she peels away - a lot of peeling away. The peeling away cam is getting a lot of play in this episode.
HZ: If I was there, I would also want to peel away, because everything about this family is so painful. It's interesting that Logan responds to his dad with threats of violence because I guess that's what he's learned from his dad.
JOY: Yeah, true.
HZ: And for all Logan has very few people with his back in the world, Lynn has even fewer, because Logan is a kid. It is very sad. At the sheriff's department, Sheriff Lamb is enjoying the dying embers of thinking he has the upper hand. He’s just wanking on at Veronica. He's like, "Well, a felony charge won't be scrubbed from your record wah wah wah." Rick arrives in another very thick sweater because like when he when he first appeared in this episode, he was wearing like an inch thick sweater. This one is like a cricket sweater. But grey rather than white. I'm assuming Americans have no need for cricket sweaters.
JOY: Gosh no.
HZ: And Rick seems very excited. He's like, "Is he here yet? Is he here yet? Is Santa here yet?"
JOY: Yeah, like who does he think it's gonna be?
HZ: Maybe he's forgotten that it's him!
JOY: They're like, "It worked. Whatever. Like the money got taken and somebody got an ID,” and she's like, "This is your guy. He's got $250 in his wallet."
RICK: Big deal, this money's mine. It doesn't prove anything.
VERONICA: Why don't you take a closer look at the one on top. Read what's written over Grant's head.
LAMB: “Veronica Mars is smarter than me.”
VERONICA: Oh, you stop it!
HZ: Oh, that is some very satisfying detectiving from Veronica.
JOY: Good job, Veronica.
HZ: She is on good detective form this episode. It's very lucky. It's very lucky though that he is carrying the cash on him and he hasn't paid it into the bank or put it in his money box.
JOY: Yeah, that is lucky.
HZ: And why all this bullshit from Rick, why? He wasn't rejected from the Tritons at all. He and Tim were not out being hazed! They were just out getting pissed of their own accord.
JOY: He’s pissed his brothers and father were in the Tritons and he didn't get tapped to be one of the six and so he's aiming shit at them and then also aiming stuff at Veronica because Keith was hired to investigate an embezzling hedge fund dude, and it was Rick's dad! And his parents lost everything and they got a divorce and he blames Veronica Mars. “Blame Veronica Mars” is the theme of this episode.
HZ: This is some really shitty motivation - and also like, the rat presumably was a lie, and I'm not sure why he did that lie - but who did all the notes at karaoke and stuff? If the Tritons had no reason really to deter or punish Veronica, was that Rick with his own Triton stamp that he borrowed off his brothers? Or was it just Tritons being like, “Here's an opportunity to fuck with someone and that's our favourite pursuit"?
JOY: I think that it might be the latter. That would be my guess.
HZ: It's some silly bollocks, but that is what I expect from secret societies.
JOY: Not the kind of society you want to get into.
HZ: All this excitement over and we return to the school parking lot where we've spent a lot of time this episode. Veronica gives Duncan a folder of the Triton pics saying, "Oh, you look quite cute in them". But why is she doing that?
JOY: I think just to say like, “Hey, I'm not gonna spread these photos around. Or tell anybody who's in your secret society,” and also so she can be like, "You look cute in one of them." Bleurgh!
HZ: “Thanks sis!”
JOY: Quick little expositional drop - Tim's out of his coma. So we can sleep better knowing that.
HZ: Yeah, presumably Tim's parents can sue Rick and the bars? Veronica is like "I'm sorry for doubting you" to Duncan - why? Why be sorry about that? "I'm sorry for coming after the Tritons" - why? Why be sorry for that? and then they part company but she kind of mental health-shames Duncan some more.
VERONICA: Another hole in Duncan’s memory? At least he can joke about it. To pass him in the hallway, you’d never guess that anything was wrong. But I heard it out of his own mouth. So what exactly is your mystery illness, Duncan? And what other pills are you taking?
HZ: So it's just the show going like, "Well, anything's possible when you got a mental health condition. You could do anything and you can blame anything on it.” I am not a huge fan of that trope.
JOY: No.
HZ: And then the worst sadness of an episode that has quite a lot of sadnesses.
JOY: Yeah.
HZ: Cut to a very tall bridge, and Lynn Echolls's red sports car is parked diagonally across the lane with the door open and you hear over a police radio that there's a there's been a possible jumper.
JOY: Yeah, this is... this is bad, this is not good to see.
HZ: Her licence plate is Echolls 2. Which Echolls has Echolls 1, is it Logan or is his dad?
JOY: I'm going to guess his dad just for chronology of being able to drive.
HZ: Right, I guess - and of being an Echolls.
JOY: Right, right, right.
HZ: So that is a…
JOY: ...Dark note to end on.
HZ: Let's just check in on the legal situation in this episode with our southern Californian marshmallow Lo Dodds, for today's LoDown.
THE LODOWN
LO DODDS: This is one of my favourite episodes of Veronica Mars.
HZ: Okay.
LO DODDS: It is because of her peak Veronica-ness, but also because the Tritons is the mascot of San Clemente High School, which is where I went, which is why I think it further confirms my theory that Neptune was supposed to be based on San Clemente. Triton was our mascot. We had a actual mascot guy that ran around in the Triton head and the Triton costume. And then I went to UC San Diego, which is where they film a lot of Veronica Mars. That mascot is also Triton. And then when I went to law school in Pepperdine, Pepperdine University, their mascot is the wave, which I was like yay, finally, but it turns out that yeah, their mascot is King Neptune. So pretty much the same thing.
HZ: Should have gone somewhere inland.
LO DODDS: Yeah, yeah, that was my mistake.
HZ: And were there secret societies at your high school, that was Triton-themed?
LO DODDS: I wasn't invited to join any secret societies. So there may have been; I was just not cool enough to get into them.
JOY: Are hazing rituals legal?
LO DODDS: Hazing is illegal in California, it's illegal to participate in an activity that may result in serious injury to a former prospective student. I don't know if this will be qualified as hazing since Rick wasn't actually trying to get into the Tritons and the Tritons weren't making him do this as part of an initiation. It's a misdemeanour. If it doesn't result in a serious injury, and if it does, then it's a wobbler and it can be charged as a felony.
HZ: And is Cliff a good lawyer?
LO DODDS: I love Cliff,
HZ: We all love Cliff, Lo, but is he good at the job?
LO DODDS: Yeah, he seems like he's an adequate lawyer. We haven't really seen any of cliff's lawyering skills other than getting that case against Loretta Sanchez dismissed. But he bails Veronica out of jail - which also does not happen because juveniles do not have the right to bail.
HZ: So what happens?
LO DODDS: No cash bail for for for juveniles. They have to be brought before the court within 48 hours, so the whole point is they either are only going to detain them briefly or they're going to release them to their parents. And then the judge dictates whether or not at that point, they can be released or stay in jail until the trial which has to happen in 15 days.
JOY: Early in the episode we see some guys streaking through the wearing only ski masks. Are they going to get put on the sex offenders register along with Veronica?
LO DODDS: Yes, they are all - like everyone in that high school is getting put on the sex offender registry. People that are running around naked in front of minors, just don't do that.
HZ: Would Rick be facing charges for his fake ID scheme?
LO DODDS: Yes, manufacturing and distributing and selling fake driver's licence is a crime.
HZ: Would he be facing charges for trying to blame the crime on Veronica Mars?
LO DODDS: It's an obstruction of justice issue again, he's tampering with evidence. Veronica could sue him, potentially, for any damages she might have suffered for the defamation or for anything she went through based on his defamation.
HZ: Because Lamb tells Veronica that this is a felony charge that won't be scrubbed from her record - so presumably that is the case for Rick who actually committed the felony.
LO DODDS: It's a misdemeanour.
HZ: So Lamb was lying to Veronica that it's a felony?
LO DODDS: Lamb is lying, which why it makes it so strange that later on Lamb is just apparently fully willing to let Veronica go, just so that justice can be served on Rick, because I don't think justice is getting served on Rick. Because when Lamb pulls Rick into Clemmons's office and then tells him he's not free to leave, and then tells him that he's going to question him until he confesses, he doesn't read him as Miranda rights. So all of that questioning, all of the stuff that he tells him, if I'm Rick's lawyer, I'm getting that tossed out.
JOY: That makes it inadmissible?
LO DODDS: Right.
HZ: Maybe Veronica could have written the Miranda rights on the bank note.
LO DODDS: That would have been brilliant, because then that would all have been admissible afterwards. I will say, Veronica's defacing federal property, so she should probably get something for that.
HZ: You're not allowed to write on money?
LO DODDS: Yeah, no, I don't think you are, you're not supposed to.
HZ: Jenny, I still feel pretty sad about this episode, but were there any lines that lifted your heart?
JOY: Let me pull you up out of that gutter you're in, Helen, because do you remember when Wallace said, "This mission better involve me seducing the head cheerleader"? Hell yeah, Wallace!
HZ: Yeah. Although he also knew that the head cheerleader was an imaginary cheerleader.
JOY: Well, any cheerleader is still a cheerleader even if she doesn't exist, I think. What about you?
HZ: I like it when Veronica is like, "Hi, dad. Their case is fuzzy and circumstantial," and he's like, "Those were also her first words."
JOY: Hell, yeah.
HZ: That's cute. And then, how would you rate the mysteriousness of this mystery?
JOY: My disinterest in secret societies - at least of this type - aside, I feel like Veronica was crushing it doing great detective work. There were lots of elements that all kind of like came together, for the most part, pretty neatly. Love to see Lamb getting his face rubbed in it.
HZ: That was very satisfying.
JOY: Love - love to see Wallace having a B L A S T. So I'm going to give this episode four and a half out of five low-blowing conch shells singing a song of your destiny to you from afar.
HZ: That's nice. I agree that Veronica-wise it's been a very satisfying episode; she has been on good detective form. There are hints of Wallace also being on great detective form, which I would have enjoyed to see more of. The Echolls stuff doesn't take up that many scenes or that much time in the episode, but it's really very emotionally loaded, and I think well-enacted. But obviously I don't like it, but it feels real. A place with the amount of toxic masculinity as Neptune, of course has got fucking secret societies. But this one seems particularly banal, annoying, and terrible at karaoke. So the part of the mystery I was most interested in was Veronica being suspended, having to solve it from outside or out of hours, and then just her sitting in the Sheriff's office waiting for the denouement. And I suppose there were quite high stakes, because she would have got sued by Tim's family and have had a felony on her record. So, on balance, all of those things combined, I will give it three and a half shell stamps that you take everywhere, just in case you have some notes to pass.
JOY: You never know when you're going to need to do that!
HZ: Never know.
JOY: Well, is that another episode of Veronica Mars investigated?
HZ: It is! Case Closed.
That was Veronica Mars Investigations Season 1, episode 12: Clash of the Tritons.
Watch season 1 episode 13 and join us next time to investigate it.
Find the show on Twitter, Instagram and Facebook @VMIpod.
The website, where the show lives along with a display of spycams and the value of soap, is VMIpod.com.
JOY: I’m Jenny Owen Youngs; bou can hear more of my speaking voice on my other podcast Buffering the Vampire Slayer and you can hear some of my singing voice at jennyowenyoungs.com.
HZ: It’s lovely.
JOY: Thank you!
HZ: Get amongst it.
JOY: I've been releasing songs of the last four months and I have an EP coming out on the 15th of this month.
HZ: I'm Helen Zaltzman; you can hear my other podcasts Answer Me This and The Allusionist. The Allusionist is on tour in North America, and it's been very nice to meet some of you VMI listeners after the shows. What a fun bunch of people. If you want to come along then have a look at theallusionist.org/events for listings.
This episode was edited and mixed by Zach McNees, with music by Martin Austwick and Jenny Owen Youngs.
The sheriff of this town is Hrishikesh Hirway.
Distributed by PRX.
JOY: Until next time, who’s your daddy?
HZ: Who’s your daddy?
JOY: Super happy that he wasn't a Triton, whoever he was.