VMI 2.11 Donut Run transcript
Hear this episode at VMIpod.com/2-11
Content note: Veronica Mars contains heavy themes, and this episode includes suicide, murder, drugs and kidnapping - sort of.
A LONG TIME AGO ON VERONICA MARS:
Clue in, donut! Duncan kidnaps his own baby so the evil Manning grandparents can’t add her to their collection of emotionally abused children.
Sheriff Lamb is on the case, and so’s the FBI - agent Lucy Lawless has come to town for this case! But mainly to neg Lamb.
They search for Duncan in a boat, up at Big Bear, in the Mars apartment, in Mexico - but Duncan is GONE. You wouldn’t think he could outwit the law, would you? BUT:
Veronica has aided and abetted him! They fake a breakup, steal from Celeste, double-cross pretty much everyone, and kiss goodbye forever.
And as if that wasn’t enough for one episode, there’s Wallace’s hit and run case, and Weevil getting a new tattoo while tracking down the mole in the PCHers.
JOY: Hiding in the trunk of your car, I’m Jenny Owen Youngs.
HZ: And a big fish in a small town, I’m Helen Zaltzman.
You’re listening to Veronica Mars Investigations season 2 episode 11: Donut Run.
HZ: Or "Donut, run!" If we're saying ‘donut’ as a name, because it is Duncan's nickname that we've only heard once, I think? In season one episode three, when the ghost of Lilly was shouting at him.
JOY: Well, everything in this show is designed to either pack such a punch that you remember it until the day you die, or you never think of it again as soon as it's passed part of your face.
HZ: So this is Duncan's last episode. And also Celeste Kane's last episode.
JOY: I really won't miss Celeste Kane, I guess.
HZ: No; I imagine she's a person who is not much missed. But that's the life she's made for herself. Is ‘donut’ a mild insult in the US, as it is in the UK?
JOY: No, not that I'm aware of, no. What does it mean in the UK?
HZ: It's like someone being a bit stupid. "What a donut."
JOY: Is it like, "Oh, you're missing an important thing in the centre of yourself." So you're a little stupid.
HZ: I guess; or your brain is jam. I don't know. Maybe it just sounded enough like something ruder?
JOY: “You're lightly-fried and you have a creamy filling, dumbass.”
HZ: This is the first episode of Veronica Mars to be directed by the creator of the show, Rob Thomas.
JOY: Wow. Here he is. Everybody's favourite guy.
HZ: Which explains why there's so much in it. So much business. A lot of business, and in fact so much business about this plot of Duncan taking his baby daughter away, that we're going to have a special bonus LoDown right now with some very important info.
JOY: Yes. The people have a right to know, Helen.
THE LODOWN part 1
JOY: What exactly is going on here in terms of like parentage and legality... Duncan snatching this baby that he fathered... What's the deal? What's happening?
LO DODDS: It's so unnecessary. The whole kidnapping thing is so stupid. Duncan is the child's biological parent, and in California, if two parents are not married, only the mother is the presumptive parent, but all the dad has to do is file a piece of paper that says, "I'm the father," and if he wanted to clinch it, he could force a paternity test and say, "I am the child's biological parent," and that kid is his. There is nothing that this kidnapping, that presumably the Mannings have instigated - the Mannings would have to have a court order awarding custody to them, and they don't have one. So I don't know who has called in a kidnapping. And especially since the hospital, when you have a baby, they tag the baby with this like bracelet, and then you can only remove the baby from the hospital if you are one of the parents or someone authorised to remove the child. If Duncan had filed this piece of paper, the hospital would give him the baby, like he's the father. They would not, however, give the baby to the grandparents. So if there was any question about it, the baby would likely have been taken in to foster care, taken in by the state, but the idea that you have a willing, capable -
JOY: Rich -
LO DODDS: - biological father, with millions at his disposal, yeah, this makes also no sense. Like, the Mannings are somehow going to lawyer-up and get better lawyers to say, "You take medication for epilepsy," and that's somehow going to beat, "We've been credibly accused of child abuse"? And there's evidence that Meg did not want to live with them.
HZ: They could have saved themselves so much time by following legal procedure.
LO DODDS: Well, even, like they could have made it dramatic, but like why - why is there kidnapping?
HZ: Well, for making it dramatic, Lo. I think you answered your own question there.
HZ: So, just bear that in mind throughout this episode that none of this needed to have happened. How do you feel about that?
JOY: Tired. Tired! It's like when your parents trick you into doing something because they need you to, like, either just get out of their face or burn a lot of energy or whatever, and then you get to the end of the Herculean task that they've set up for you, and you're like, "Phew, OK, it's done," and they're like, "Actually, that didn't matter, we don't need the thing, we don't need this pile of sticks you just made, we just wanted you to tucker yourself out."
HZ: Absolute outrage. So a lot of this plot, I can't really figure out why they had to make it so complex and to be like, "Look, Veronica is involved, but as a cover-up." Like, I don't understand why that's particularly beneficial. But also all you need to know is he wasn't committing a crime, because the Mannings couldn't have got the baby.
JOY: Oh my god.
HZ: And then I think some people have been theorising, "Oh, what if they fake a blood test or something to disprove Duncan's paternity?"
JOY: Ah, those people, they're not equipped to fake a blood test. Oh, but there is that one guy that is very bribeable, but we assume he's now out of the blood test zone.
HZ: You would hope.
JOY: And that was just drug testing. Yeah.
HZ: He should not be allowed to work in test results. Not reliable. Veronica and Duncan's plot starts in the Neptune Grand. She runs into the elevator to the sound of 70s jazzy muzak, and she just catches it in time, but Logan's in there, it's so awkward.
JOY: Boo. There's a little "Hi ho".
HZ: Yeah, there's some bad bants.
JOY: It's not great.
HZ: He's not on his best jokes form.
LOGAN: Hi ho.
VERONICA: What did you say?
LOGAN: Oh, your uniform. Hi ho, it's off to work you go.
VERONICA: I guess that makes me Snow White.
LOGAN: You must be on your way up to see Mopey.
VERONICA: How's he doing, Sleazy?
LOGAN: Wouldn't know, he doesn't come out of his room. Old Italian ladies don't grieve like this. Boy, he must've really loved Meg.
VERONICA: Well, then there's that other thing. You know, he can't see his baby.
LOGAN: A baby? How did that happen?
HZ: "Baby? Uh, we're guys, we just talk about sports and video games. Not girl stuff like babies."
JOY: Oh. I thought the whole point of his, "Baby? How did that happen?" was to really rub salt in the wound, I guess the presumed wound, of Veronica's, that Duncan has had sex with a girl who isn't her.
HZ: This makes sense.
JOY: You know how sex is.
HZ: Never heard about it.
JOY: Exactly. And you're safer that way. Helen.
HZ: Should I go on WikiHow?
JOY: Ha! Oh shit.
HZ: I feel like the character of Duncan is very much at home on WikiHow, as the illustrations.
JOY: OK. Here's the top result when you Google "wikihow how to have sex".
HZ: Jenny!
JOY: The top article is called "Three Ways To Have Sex Without Your Parents Knowing". Nice. The next one down is "How To Make Sex Better (With Pictures)". And then "Four Ways To Make Sex Last Longer". Those are the three top returns. Just letting you know what's out there for you on WikiHow, Helen. I don't know if this would would help.
HZ: Jenny, you're a very altruistic googler. I don't know if people have said that about you before.
JOY: No one has, but I will treasure it forever. Thank you.
HZ: Logan is pretty much bantering to himself when they get to the suite and he plops onto the sofa, and he makes some references to a 1980s Dunkin' Donuts slogan, "Time to make the donut".
JOY: Oh my god, what?
HZ: But he says, "Time to fake the donut," which I guess is perceptive given what is about to happen.
JOY: Oh, true.
HZ: Because they're deliberately going to fake the scenario in front of him with Duncan, AKA the donut. But what's this, Jenny?
JOY: It's Kendall Casablancas getting out of Duncan's shower!
HZ: Of course.
JOY: Yeah. Kendall's not in on it, because later Veronica's like, "Even Kendall bought it." How did they get it so that Kendall was taking a shower at Duncan's hotel room? How did this get set up?
HZ: Do you think Kendall is like some people on Fiverr or TaskRabbit where it's like, if the price is right, she'll do basically whatever without asking why?
JOY: Oh, yeah, probably.
HZ: Veronica storms out.
JOY: And then we go to Neptune High, where like Dick is saying some really dumb shit.
HZ: He calls Veronica ‘Ronnie’. That is provocative, calling someone a nickname that they don't have.
JOY: That was the standout.
HZ: And he says, "Let it go."
DICK: You've got to let it go, Ronnie. Take a deep breath. Let it go. If you're gonna date an heir to billions - the occasional afternoon quickie, you gotta let it slide. Cost of doing business, you know? Seriously, girls like Kendall, they let you do things that girls like you... Well, let's just say you should be thankful. Vile stuff, you know. Really vile stuff.
JOY: But instead of letting it go, Veronica confronts Duncan about Kendall and engages in what I am going to label Chekhov's conspicuously public break-up. How could this possibly come back around and be relevant later, Helen? I don't know!
VERONICA: Don't lie to me! I trusted you the first time, but not anymore, I'm nobody's fool.
DUNCAN: Perfect! Meg's dead, I can't see my daughter - but by all means, Veronica, let's make this about you. Why shouldn't today be like any other day?
VERONICA: God, shut up about Meg already! I'm alive! I'm your girlfriend!
DUNCAN: Not any more.
JOY: Back at the Mars apartment, Veronica is listening to the music of pain. She's putting on the Virgin Suicides soundtrack, not the album that is all Air compositions, but rather the other - remember when soundtracks were so popular that a movie could release two of them? Wild. So at first I didn't even realise that, I saw this record go on and then I heard something that was not Air kick in, and I was like, "Did the licence turn over, and they had to replace the Air song with something else?" But actually, there's a whole other soundtrack. It's Al Green, ‘How Can You Mend A Broken Heart’ and then followed by ‘The Air That I Breathe’ by The Hollies. Do we think that Veronica is listening to this music really loud for a long time to A. hold up the farce of the break-up, but also B. cover up the sound of her cutting a hole inside her bathroom cupboard probably?
HZ: And also possibly, C. if the baby is already next door and having a scream.
JOY: Right. Yep, yep, yep.
HZ: But it is to signal to Keith that Veronica is grieving. Keith is hanging out with Backup, making a sandwich, looking a little annoyed when the music still playing at 6:27am.
JOY: He's in bed, right, at 6:27am. He looks over at the clock. He gets up. Then he comes into Veronica's room wearing pyjamas and shoes. He put on shoes, or he was wearing them in bed?
HZ: I can imagine Keith sleeping in shoes in case he has to go and chase a perp.
JOY: Yeah. You've got to be ready to go.
HZ: Unless they're just very substantial slippers?
JOY: I looked as hard as I could and they seemed to defy slipper nature, and really suggest shoe nature.
HZ: That's the true mystery, Jenny, and we'll never be able to solve it. It's a cold case now.
JOY: No, alas.
HZ: He goes into her room and finds her taking pictures out of frames, and it's a tender scene - but that makes it hurt more now that I know that Veronica is deceiving him.
JOY: Yeah, it's so nice to see Keith being a sweet dad, and then so ragged to know that later he's going to have to be like, "You fucking played me?"
HZ: It's devastating. Also in the Neptune Grand is Detective Weevil.
JOY: Hell yeah!
HZ: Reporting to Deputy Logan Echolls to say he's narrowed Felix's murderer down to Hector or Bootsy. Do we know a Bootsy?
JOY: I don't recall meeting a Bootsy. It doesn't mean it didn't happen though.
HZ: Is it one of the PCHers that's not allowed to speak much?
JOY: Probably.
HZ: How invested are you in this murder plot?
JOY: I'm not. Is that weird?
HZ: No, not really.
JOY: I liked Felix, but there's just sort of like something missing here, right?
HZ: Is it that you know that they've got to spin it out for quite a lot of this season?
JOY: Yeah. Knowing that we're only on episode eleven, I'm like, "Oh man, this is gonna go on for a while."
HZ: And also because they keep mentioning the Fitzpatricks, they're going to come back up, and no one wants that.
JOY: Yeah, and I don't want to see any more of the Fitzpatricks, and yet. Seems inevitable.
HZ: But Weevil is like, "Look, it's either Hector or Bootsy, whoever it is is working with the Fitzpatricks, selling coke, meth and E," and Logan's like, "Well, I know someone I can make buy drugs..."
JOY: Yes, perfect. Finally, Dick has a use.
HZ: Back at the Mars home, you can tell it's bad because she's listening to the Paula Cole song that is the theme tune to Dawson's Creek, with Backup licking her face. Disgusting.
JOY: Oh, man. The lowest point of her life.
HZ: And then Wallace sees it all.
JOY: Wallace is like, "Who is this girl?" And we learn in this scene that -
HZ: That she smells? That's why Backup was licking her.
JOY: Oh, yeah. We learned in this scene, yes, A. that Veronica needs a shower, and B. Wallace came back to Neptune because he missed basketball tryouts in Chicago, and he just really wanted to play ball. Hmm, interesting.
HZ: I'll just skip to the end of this basketball chat. Also, Wallace and Keith are in the same house and nobody mentions Alicia. I curse this Keithlicia erasure. I care about that more than Felix's murder plot, I'm afraid.
JOY: Justice for Keithlicia.
HZ: But Keith puts a stop to the basketball chat that I don't care about because Lamb and a deputy are there, because Duncan is missing.
JOY: And so's the baby! And Veronicais under arrest.
HZ: Faith Manning, that's the baby's name, so somehow the grandparents have been able to fill in the birth certificate with a religious name and their own last name.
JOY: Would they be able to arrest Veronica just like based on - I can remember, do they have anything substantial in this scene, or would this be a situation where they should have said, "We need you to come down to the station and answer some questions?
HZ: Well, the first thing we see in the investigation of Veronica is she's in a line-up of white blonde women. So that's fast. How quickly do line-ups get put together? Where did they get all of the filler?
JOY: Did they have anybody who was closer in description and age to Veronica?
HZ: Or height?
JOY: Yeah.
HZ: And you know this is serious because Cliff's there and he's not wearing a jacket. They must have caught him on the fly. The line-up is for a merchant from the LA jewellery district to pick out someone that sold some five carat diamond earrings for $80,000, which belong to Celeste Kane.
JOY: $80,000 for a pair of earrings, Helen!
HZ: It seems like a lot.
JOY: That's like state university college education.
HZ: Or buying a boat and escaping to Mexico kind of money.
JOY: Oh, yeah, that's another way, sure, yes.
HZ: Also, a jeweller told me that precious stones are not that valuable at resale, whereas metal you can melt down.
JOY: Yep, yep, yep, yep, yep.
HZ: If you're putting your money into any kind of jewellery for a later baby-fleeing plot, Jenny, just go for something that melts.
JOY: Oh, you know, I'm stashing those precious metals and gems all over my house, Helen. Whatever you do, don't pop up any of the ceiling panels, don't look under the rug. Don't do it. It's none of your business.
HZ: Veronica says, "Yeah, I sold the earrings, but not to finance a kidnapping. To finance the custody case."
JOY: Which was unnecessary.
HZ: I thought Duncan was meant to be endlessly rich. He's probably spent more than $80,000 on the Neptune Grand suite, because he's been living in it since the summer, and we know that it's over a thousand dollars a night.
JOY: Oh, god, right. But that's like, just coming straight out of his parents' account, right?
HZ: I don't know.
JOY: Who knows what kind of money this kid has access to?
HZ: Well, Celeste's not bankrolling this, because Veronica says she's not ready to be a grandmother.
JOY: Meanwhile, Keith is being like serious, scary dad, which we almost never see.
HZ: You know that it means something when you do see it.
CLIFF: The sheriff thinks you're an accomplice, and that you helped Duncan plan and finance this kidnapping.
VERONICA: That's a lot of thinking for Lamb; he may tire himself out.
KEITH: This is not a joke! This is kidnapping. What Duncan's done is wrong and if you've helped him in any way you're going to prison. Now straighten up!
JOY: And we hate to see it, but we love to see Vinnie van Lowe, and here he is.
HZ: Paradise.
JOY: Like a breath of fresh air. Like a palm tree swaying in the breeze.
HZ: Just really adds some levity, because he basically doesn't give a shit at any point what's happening. He's just there for the party.
VINNIE VAN LOWE: Hey, Veronica, what's the haps?
VERONICA: Oh, you know; I didn't think there'd be air conditioning, but other than that, this is pretty much how I pictured Hell.
HZ: Also, Ken Marino's physical performance as Vinnie, it's on a par with Jason Dohring doing Logan. Like, it feels a very true physical portrayal of this character.
JOY: Yeah. And like, it couldn't be anybody else. He's so great. He's so great. You know what's not so great?
HZ: Everything else?
JOY: Well, everything else. I took particular notice of, since we've been seeing a lot of desk nameplates lately, the font of Sheriff Lamb's desk nameplate does not project any kind of sense of professionalism or authority. I encourage our listeners to go back and check it out. It's not Comic Sans, but it's like close.
HZ: Is it Wingdings?
JOY: It's in the ballpark. Hah! Oh god. You just made me laugh my headphones right off my head.
HZ: Hah! It's a nice little town.
JOY: He is a wingding for sure.
HZ: Probably someone got it made at the department, because they know that he's a douche. And this was their tiny typeface-based revenge.
JOY: Yes.
HZ: You know, some truth is said in this scene. Celeste guarantees Veronica knows where Duncan is. She's correct. Lamb is also right.
LAMB: Mrs Kane, word of advice: private investigators just make the work of law enforcement officers more difficult. Save your money. We'll find Duncan, we'll bring him in safely.
VERONICA: It's kind of weird, huh, hoping Lamb is competent, rather than betting he's not.
HZ: But even under these circumstances, Celeste can't resist a dig at Veronica.
CELESTE: I find comfort in knowing the child isn't yours.
VERONICA: Let's hope she's got your smile.
HZ: She calls Vinnie to follow her like a puppy, and on his way out he does hand binoculars at Veronica. Sadly does not sing Hall & Oates.
JOY: I know, no Hall & Oates, what the hell?
HZ: But then he mouths, "Call me," and does the phone hand. I was wondering whether there's a generation for whom the phone hand means nothing because their phones are just flat.
JOY: Yeah, that is a good question, Helen.
HZ: Phone hand only really represents a landline receiver or a flip phone.
JOY: It's true.
HZ: Did the Manning parents bribe Lamb or something to get off their case and to go and fuck up Duncan and Veronica's lives instead?
JOY: Dude, I don't know.
HZ: It's got to be something like that.
JOY: This is the thing. I know we all felt a twinge of sympathy for Lamb, that previous episode where he got in Mr Manning's face a little bit, but clearly nothing has changed. Facing that reality did not make him any more compassionate towards other people, and why would he accept a bribe from these people who are perpetrating the same kind of abuse that he endured as a child? Over at the Neptune Grand, Logan and Dick are playing a videogame that is just lady beach volleyball. Is this real?
HZ: Dead Or Alive: Extreme Beach Volleyball, it is apparently real.
JOY: Wow.
HZ: It's got a steel drum soundtrack and squeaky voice characters.
JOY: Is it all lady volleyball, or were they choosing them?
HZ: I don’t know. I know very little about it, but they've certainly gone for scantily-clad lady volleyball players.
JOY: Yes.
HZ: And it seems a little desperate, really, for people who are sex-havers. Certified.
JOY: Yeah. If you're such sex-havers, why do you need to play lady beach volleyball videogame?
HZ: Still teenage boys, Jenny.
DICK: Dig it out, baby, dig it out. Make daddy proud.
LOGAN: Hey, listen, I need you to do me a favour.
DICK: It's not that favour Bobby Brown does for Whitney, is it?
HZ: This reference Dick does to Bobby Brown and Whitney Houston just feels very bleak now.
JOY: Oh yeah.
HZ: I mean, I think it felt pretty bleak then, because it was referring to their reality show which depicted their lives, seemingly at a pretty low ebb, and in particular he was helping her with some constipation problems. That's the favour Dick is referring to.
JOY: I don't know any of this, and would request to not know anymore.
HZ: Consider it done.
JOY: Thank you, Helen.
HZ: And then Logan's like, "Dick, can you do me a favour and buy some ecstasy off some PCHers?" And Dick is like, "Sure, I'm like that with the PCHers."
JOY: Oh yeah, they love you, Dick.
HZ: Doesn't ask at all why, then carries on just being lascivious about the characters in the game.
DICK: Oh, no, honey. Bad set, bad set. Don't make daddy hose you down.
LOGAN: You're not real complicated, are you, Dick?
DICK: I try not to be.
JOY: And succeeds. Meanwhile, back at the Sheriff's Department, Vinnie van Lowe hits up Veronica in the hallway.
HZ: He's doing one-armed press-ups against the snacks machine.
JOY: Hell yeah, and he's just like, "Hey, why do you just tell me where Duncan is? I'll give you $5,000, and a set of steak knives."
HZ: It's a great offer.
JOY: Then he drops a bugged pen in her bag, which she just returns to him instead of singing something into it, which I thought was the precedent the show had set for bugged pen return, and I am disappointed.
HZ: We know Kristen Bell can sing.
JOY: Yes.
HZ: The pen has ‘Sugar's Cabaret Invitational Longball Championship’ written on it. What is longball? Do I want to know?
JOY: No idea. I thought you maybe would know.
HZ: It sounds very pendulous.
JOY: Oh, yeah, it does sound pendulous.
HZ: At school, in the computer room, they're playing something called Search Engine Olympics, using the in-universe search engine Planet Zowie. All it is, is a ruse so that Veronica discovers that Wallace has lied earlier, and he has in fact been playing basketball very successfully in Chicago.
JOY: What?
HZ: At Trevor Hale High School. Trevor Hale is the main character of Rob Thomas's other show Cupid, played by Jeremy Piven. Rob Thomas loves to reference his own lesser-seen works.
JOY: Has he ever seen work by anyone besides Rob Thomas, do you reckon?
HZ: Well, season four he said he'd watched the TV series Fargo and wanted to make something like that.
JOY: OK, so he's seen one other thing, cool.
HZ: At least one. In the hallway, Dick says to Logan that Bootsy, the unknown PCHer, had said no.
LOGAN: What’s the word?
DICK: Well, the one they call Bootsy told me no, and went on to suggest I perform sexual intercourse upon my own person.
LOGAN: Doesn't he understand if you could do that, you'd never come to school.
DICK: Boy, that's the truth.
LOGAN: And Hector?
DICK: Sold me ten hits of E. Mint?
LOGAN: I gave you enough cash for twenty.
DICK: Hey, he gave me the 09er discount - charged me double.
LOGAN: And you paid it?
DICK: What's time to a hog?
HZ: And he hands over to Logan what looks like a Smints box, it's greeked to say Flips. Logan writes the word ‘Hector’ on the box, and walks off and deliberately bumps into Weevil.
JOY: I love this hallway bump, so they're not actually visibly interacting with one another. It's just a little Artful Dodger kind of hand-off.
HZ: Yeah. I don't see any sleight of hand.
JOY: Well, that's because they're so good at it, Helen. They're just two street-smart lads out there trying to make it.
HZ: Trying to solve a crime.
JOY: And learning tricks as they go. Mm-hmm. OK, OK, OK...
HZ: Great news for you, Jenny.
JOY: ...OK, incredible news, we're at Lamb's office, and the border is a mess because they are, they have like quadrupled their car search because they're looking for Duncan, Lamb's convinced that he's gonna go to Mexico, and then in strolls Special Agent fucking Lucy fucking Lawless! And Helen, I have something for you. I made you a little something cause I was so excited to see Lucy Lawless, but I also was bummed that she wasn't wearing like Grecian leather battle armour, and just like throwing her chakram directly into Lamb's throat, so I made you this little song.
Xena, I’m glad to see ya
Though I’m noticing that you don’t have your chakram.
Xena, I’m glad to see ya
But I’m waiting for the moment when you sock Lamb
In the face, in the face
maybe you don’t wanna waste
all the skills of a warrior princess
when you flip through the sky
screaming out your battle cry
“FBI!”
but the thing is, the thing is
I know you still got the moves in a business suit
I know you still got the moves in a business suit.
JOY: Come on.
HZ: I assume that's all underneath the boring suit that she's wearing is an FBI agent.
JOY: Yeah, that's clearly a tearaway business suit.
HZ: Jenny, this is a wonderful tribute to Lucy Lawless, who is by far the coolest person in Neptune on this day, and maybe every day.
JOY: Maybe every day. She might be the coolest person to ever blow through town. I love her so much, and I'm so happy to see her, but I do feel like - not that she's, like, wasted in this role, I love to see her putting Lamb in his place...
HZ: She really condescends to him until he is a fine paste of a man.
JOY: That's true. OK, maybe I'm underappreciating her other talents that are on display here. Just hacking him down. I'll take it. I love her. She's so great. I'm so happy to see her.
HZ: It's weird that the FBI are here for a non-crime. So many resources turned over. But there's another agent there who doesn't get to say much because Lucy Lawless is also there, but is played by CS Keys, who apparently is a prominent weathercaster in San Diego.
JOY: Oh, how cool.
AGENT MORRIS: Now, Sheriff, I think we should make it clear right from the get-go that we are here to get that baby back. And we are willing to combine our resources -
LAMB: I'll share anything that you need -
AGENT MORRIS: - until such time as you piss us off. And when that time comes — and it usually comes quickly in Sleepyburg or World's Biggest Ball of Stringsville or wherever the hell we are this week — when that time comes, we will cut you out like you were a meter maid. You don't get the photo op, and you don't get the fruit basket. So repeat after me. Team. Me. Team. Come on, you can do it. Team.
LAMB: Team.
HZ: ‘Team’, and ‘me’, and some hands.
JOY: I really didn't get this. Maybe because they're making ‘team’ bigger, like wider hands, than ‘me’ is narrow hands? Is it like, you're less important than the team? It's not about you, it's about the team?
HZ: There's "me" in "team". "Me" in "team".
JOY: Yep. Mm-hmm. Yeah.
HZ: Even if it doesn't make sense, it was majestic to watch.
JOY: Yeah. Love it.
HZ: I will forgive her dissing giant twine balls, as she does.
JOY: Oh yes, I know that giant twine balls are close to your heart, Helen.
HZ: As close as I can get, given the size. Outside, Veronica asks the desk sergeant if Lamb is around, and he recognises her in a kind of, "Oh my god, it's Veronica Mars, I heard all about you, I'm supposed to keep an eye on you." So she sits down and reads a magazine and he's like, "I'm a bouncer at a club in LA, I can get you in."
JOY: Why would you do this specifically to the girl you were told to look out for?
HZ: He's credited as Super Huge Deputy, which I think is a little rude.
JOY: I can't remember what he looks like.
HZ: Well he was leaning over, so I couldn't really gauge his size. Everyone compared to Kristen Bell is super huge.
JOY: Yeah, there's that aspect as well.
HZ: So he knocks on Lamb's door to tell him Veronica Mars is there, and Lamb's like, "Oh, for fuck's sake, I'm here just being pasted by Lucy Lawless, leave me alone." And Lucy Lawless is somewhat interested, so they go off to the interrogation room.
LAMB: Before we go in there, you should probably know something about Veronica Mars. We need to be careful with this one. She's...slippery.
AGENT MORRIS: Sheriff, we have interrogated Al Qaeda members at Gitmo. I think we can handle a teenage girl.
JOY: Now, you know what I would have loved to see is Veronica Mars and Xena: FBI Agent teaming up.
HZ: Yes please.
JOY: Instead of being adversaries. She could have learned something from Lucy Lawless.
HZ: They're very underwhelmed by the difficulty level of interrogating Veronica when they get in there, and she's just leafing through this magazine, being like, "So sad about Nick Lachey and Jessica Simpson."
VERONICA: Is nothing sacred?
AGENT MORRIS: Whoa, Agent Wills, call for backup.
AGENT WILLS: Just the chopper?
AGENT MORRIS: Snipers.
HZ: Then we get the in-universe name for iCloud, Dotmac. I guess everyone else knows about it but Lamb; the FBI agents have to explain to him what cloud storage is.
JOY: Oh, Lamb.
HZ: And they're going to “get the computer boys on it.”
JOY: Veronica also tells them that Duncan hates Mexico, which is clearly for Lamb, so that Lamb will never give up on Mexico. I love when Lamb says, "Veronica, why don't you wait in the hall?" And Veronica says, "Why don't you?" The FBI agents! Ah, it's so good.
HZ: But then Lucy Lawless says to Lamb, "I'll take a coffee when you get a minute." To save face, he calls Sacks to bring two coffees, and Sacks is like, "What the fuck?"
JOY: "What?"
HZ: He just keeps getting smacked down. It's so beautiful.
JOY: Oh yeah. She tells them all the reasons that he won't be able to be a good addition to the FBI.
LAMB: The FBI. I've thought about it, you know. But big fish, small town has its perks. Still, who knows? I still might apply.
AGENT MORRIS: You go to college?
LAMB: For a year. Blew out a knee at Southwest Texas playing ball.
AGENT MORRIS: Speak a foreign language?
LAMB: A little Mexican. Enough to get by, tell them to turn their music down.
AGENT MORRIS: Any expertise in computer science, law, physics, chemistry, forensics, mathematics?
LAMB: Expertise?
AGENT MORRIS: Small town, big fish - you know, I'd ride with that.
JOY: He says that he speaks, and I quote, "A little Mexican." What the fuck is wrong with this man? He is such shit.
HZ: It is very telling. We go off to a very dark place under a pylon to see the PCHers facing off against each other. Hector claims not to be in business with the Fitzpatricks.
JOY: Yeah, he says he bought ecstasy from one 09er to sell to another 09er, marking it up on the way.
HZ: Ingenious. That's like the safest drug-dealing, isn't it? To only have to deal with 09ers, and not people that are likely to be scarier than you.
JOY: Weevil wants a name. He's not getting a name, though. Hector's like, "I don't know."
HZ: The 09er was a white boy drug dealer with a dad. We know a white boy drug dealer with a dad. We've met one on this show before.
JOY: Oh, we have. His name is Sean.
HZ: At the Sheriff's Department, they've broken Duncan's password.
JOY: And it's ‘megkane’ backwards.
HZ: Ugh, nauseating.
JOY: Oh, the pain.
HZ: Almost as nauseating as that is Lamb's smirk. Remember in episode three of this season, when Duncan showed quite an interesting knowledge of boats? In Future Business Leaders of America.
JOY: Yep. He's a sail boy.
HZ: He's been sailing his whole life. Well, some teenage boy bought a boat in cash last week. And, happenstance, the Coast Guard has just spotted the boat, so on speaker they listen to the Coast Guard board the boat, which seems like a clever ruse not to have to film a boat.
JOY: Yes.
HZ: They report from within that there are no people on the boat, but there are dirty diapers, and 12 empty cans of Spaghetti-Os. Someone's been having quite the party. And then Lucy Lawless does something I'm not so fond of, which is seizing on Duncan's mystery mental health condition to table the possibility of him having died by suicide off the boat. Because anything can happen when someone has a mystery mental health condition.
JOY: No thanks.
HZ: Veronica says, "No way, still on the run." And then it just suddenly cuts to the next day, which is a bit disorienting. Veronica's leaving her apartment, and then double-takes at a mysterious heating van. I don't know what piques her interest about that van.
JOY: Yeah, I don't know either, and I'm not trying to go out onto the street whipping open the door of vans I don't definitively know.
HZ: Well, you're very polite, Jenny. You're a very polite person.
JOY: I'd have been scared, anything could be in there. A big dog, a dragon - a fireball.
HZ: Veronicas not scared, and she doesn't even seem that surprised when she pulls open the door and Vinnie's there, sitting in an armchair, surveilling.
JOY: He's sitting in the armchair facing the door. But was there a window in that door? I feel like he was just looking at the interior wall of his van.
HZ: I think there was a window, but he may not be lined up with it, particularly relative to where the Mars apartment is. The main thing is he's eating a huge fritter, and he offers Veronica some. Maybe there's a bug in it so he can bug her stomach.
JOY: Oh, no.
HZ: They often show Vinnie eating, don't they?
JOY: He loves eating.
HZ: Because he had that sandwich when we met him.
JOY: That tuna sandwich that was supposed to have extra mayo, I think.
HZ: She asks Vinnie to give Duncan an envelope, and it's marked ‘Top Secret - do not open this envelope Vinnie’ because all these people are predictable to Veronica. She has barely moved off when he opens it, of course. And there's just a tiny piece of paper in there. But whatever is on it makes him smile.
JOY: Ah, and this must be where the proposition is, yes? Is this where Vinnie gets hired?
HZ: Then we go to Weevil's toilet office, which has appeared quite a lot.
JOY: Everybody's got one these days. Veronica really set a trend.
HZ: It's an enormous school campus to accommodate all of the spacious toilet offices. And we see Sean from season one episode 10 and 21, where he cheated at poker and he sold the drugs that drugged Veronica at Shelly Pomroy's party, and since then he has been growing some hair.
JOY: This hair is is bad. This is bad hair.
HZ: It's quite similar to my quarantine hair. I haven't had a haircut for nearly six months.
JOY: Your hair looks great. I'm looking at Helen's hair right now and it looks great. This guy looks like a total putz.
HZ: Weevil wants to know if he's working for the Fitzpatricks.
WEEVIL: Just tell me the name of your supplier.
SEAN: Yeah, that's not happening.
WEEVIL: Is it the Fitzpatricks?
SEAN: The Fitzpatricks? They take a blowtorch to you if you're short a dimebag. I'm not that dumb.
HZ: As he leaves, Logan appears in a cubicle. He was there all this time. He's like a toilet vampire. And then Weevil explains why Felix was definitely not the one who had been working with the Fitzpatricks.
JOY: Right, right. Because his big brother was Weevil's predecessor leading the PCHers, and he briefly dabbled in working with the Fitzpatricks, and then he disappeared.
HZ: It's just less persuasive happening in exposition, isn't it?
JOY: Yes.
HZ: Sorry.
JOY: Whatever happened to some colour-coded flashbacks, you know? Haven't flashed back in a dog's age.
HZ: I think only certain characters get flashbacks.
This is weird: at the lunch tables, Wallace cheerfully rolls up to sit with Veronica, takes her cake with permission, and Veronica is like, "Here's a dossier I've printed out with your basketball triumphs in Chicago because you lied to me."
JOY: Why the effort? Why the waste of materials? Just have a conversation like a human being, Veronica.
HZ: All that paper, all that printer ink, the plastic cover. Why?
JOY: A waste.
HZ: Wallace already knows. He's already seen his triumphs. So Wallace explains why he comes back. He broke very easily.
JOY: He's Wallace. He doesn't have a constitution for lying.
HZ: He's got his own I Know What You Did Last Summer situation.
JOY: It's true. He and his fellow basketballers, sportboys, they went to a party, Rashard Rucker was driving afterwords, he said he was fine, but he had a few beers.
HZ: He's the new LeBron.
JOY: And he hit somebody, and then ran, executing a hit-and-run, and Rashard's uncle, who's also his manager-slash-agent-slash boss, told them, "No, no, no, no, no, you must have hit a dog, don't worry about it, we're not reporting shit."
WALLACE: Millions of dollars are at stake. But I couldn't just let it go. I couldn't go to practice and just pretend it hadn't happened. So I thought if I came back here, I could just forget about it.
VERONICA: You know, you could have told me.
WALLACE: No I couldn't.
VERONICA: Why?
WALLACE: Because you would have stayed. You would've done the right thing. I'm embarrassed I didn't.
HZ: I don't know, I think she's often done the wrong thing to help people out.
JOY: Do we think Veronica's moral compass is purer than Wallace's? I don't think so.
HZ: Bit more school theatre for Veronica, as her phone rings and it's Duncan, but obviously a recording because the conversation is out of sync and we know that Duncan doesn't talk in this dramatic a way.
JOY: Yeah.
VERONICA: Hello?
DUNCAN: Veronica, it's me.
VERONICA: Duncan, what are you doing? Where are you? You’ve got to turn yourself in.
DUNCAN: Where I am isn't important. I'm doing the right thing.
VERONICA: No, you're not. You need to turn yourself in. You're not ready to raise that baby. We'll win in court.
DUNCAN: There's no way I'll ever get to keep the baby now.
VERONICA: No, don't hang up.
DUNCAN: I thought you'd understand, I thought you'd help.
VERONICA: Tell me where you are.
DUNCAN: You know what the Mannings would do to her.
VERONICA: Duncan, you're going to get yourself thrown in prison.
DUNCAN: Forget it. Forget it, I'll go it alone.
VERONICA: They think I helped you.
JOY: And then the call ends, and it's tracked to Big Bear.
HZ: The FBI is going to be there in two hours, but Lamb is not allowed to come. Ha! Ownage. And here's the flip of the episode.
JOY: OK. Here it is. Veronica's about to go into her house, but then she's like, "Jk, I'm just going to go into unit 108, where I previously mentioned in an earlier episode that the tenants had moved out." Chekhov's vacancy!
HZ: How could they -
JOY: How did they rent it, get access to it?
HZ: Well Duncan's very rich, you'd still have to have a name on the lease. How did they get this enormous crib in there? And also, it's a newborn baby. You don't need an enormous crib. They're usually in a little basket.
JOY: Right, yeah.
HZ: Unless the crib is for Duncan, because there's no evidence of other furniture for a Duncan.
JOY: Oh, true. Maybe he just curls up in there with her in a donut shape, and then she's in the middle as jelly filling.
HZ: The baby is extremely bedecked in pink, and surely if people are looking for a teenage boy with a female-identified baby, surely disguising the baby not so bviously coded as female would be a start.
JOY: A start, to say the least. But man, man, there's this kissing, "It's time," says Veronica.
VERONICA: The FBI is heading up to Big Bear, we’ve got to move.
DUNCAN: Kendall?
VERONICA: Everyone bought it. Including her.
DUNCAN: The boat?
VERONICA: The same. Everything's in motion. We gotta go now, or things are gonna fall apart.
DUNCAN: Veronica, slow down one minute.
VERONICA: After we leave this room, we can't call each other, email each other, see each other...
DUNCAN: Stop. Goodbye, Veronica. I love you. Always have, always will.
VERONICA: You’d better.
JOY: Why do I care all of a sudden about Veronica and Duncan?
HZ: I know. Well, they build you up just to make you feel sad in this episode, Jenny. Imagine if like season two episode two Veronica and Duncan had split up, you'd have been thrilled.
JOY: Yeah, I would have been striking up the marching band.
HZ: This is the second time Mexico has ended a Veronica relationship, come to think. And an elaborate car plot.
JOY: Oh my god. Veronica, move farther from the border.
HZ: You've got a pattern, Veronica. So here you get that bit as well where they say, "Everyone bought it, including Kendall" - yeah, how did they invite her there? Were they like, "Kendall, I'm not home, but can you turn up and have a shower, please? For reasons."
JOY: Yeah. Duncan could have been like, "Hey, I'm not home, but I will be soon, why don't you, like, make yourself comfortable and get the shower steamed up?" Or some gross... Bleurgh bleurgh bleurgh bleurgh bleurgh.
HZ: Also to me, the shower reads aftermath rather than preamble.
JOY: Hey, can't it be both? Modern women can have it all, Helen! Shower before the sex! Shower after the sex!
HZ: During the sex.
JOY: Shower any time. Just like a pizza bagel.
HZ: Have sex with a pizza bagel in the shower - I think that's what Jenny's suggesting. It sounds bad.
JOY: A pizza bagel is like a savoury donut, if you don't mind my saying.
HZ: No, someone had to do it. At the Sheriff's Department, Sacks enters Lamb's office, and Lamb is just silhouetted against his opaque window, out of which he's pretending to stare, but of course it's opaque. So really, he's staring into his own sad soul, wondering what the FBI agents are doing on their cool-people mission that he's not allowed on.
JOY: When just then, it's revealed that Veronica's ATM card has hit in Mexico. Well, well, well.
HZ: Surely they all know that Veronica wouldn't do anything this obvious? So why are they believing it? They know what she's like. And later, they know it was all a setup, so I don't understand how all this squares up. But, still gives Lamb a mission. He's going to get to play the hero.
JOY: Yeah. It gives him a reason to go to Mexico, and take whatever's in his trunk along with them.
HZ: Keith needs toilet paper; he's not got any. He goes to Veronica's bathroom. She's got a collaged bathroom wall, like any teen with an en-suite. Veronica's bathroom is very permeable, because not only does it have this slatted door, but also they've managed to make a hole in the back of the cupboard into the apartment next door. Are these walls just made of nothing?
JOY: Yeah, you gotta fucking hack through that drywall, Helen. You gotta hack right through.
HZ: Also, I was impressed that Keith takes some toilet paper and then notices an unusual light source because there's a hole behind the toilet paper, but this house is full of unusual light sources. I think he wouldn't notice.
JOY: It's true.
HZ: And he finds a package of diapers, the brand is Wuvs. So then he searches Veronica's room while trying to call her and he finds the copies of the Mannings’ torment books, where the kids have to write lines as punishment.
JOY: That strikes me as something that she would have consulted her dad about, don't you think? "Dad, I'd did a little B&E over at the Manning house, and here's why."
HZ: Over to school, and there's basketbants between Wallace and another player, but interrupted by Ernie Sayers from the Chicago Statesman, giving us a bit more information about the hit-and-run. The victim was a homeless man, he is now paralysed from the waist down, and the car was a red Hummer with spinning rims. But then he's like, "Wallace, what kind of man were you planning on being?" That doesn't really matter. Why would you talk to this journalist? There's absolutely no reason to do it, except he's so nice, he can't refuse.
JOY: Yeah. He already feels very guilty and mad about it, so he's primed.
HZ: But he managed not to talk to a secret journalist earlier in the season when they were trying to get stories out of him at Sac'n'Pac.
JOY: Yeah, but that was to protect other people.
HZ: Well, he'd still be protecting Rashard.
JOY: Yeah, but Rashard, it sounds like, shouldn't be protected. Fuck that guy.
HZ: But he's the new LeBron, Jenny, and we know that sports take precedence over everything.
JOY: Yeah. Yeah. OK.
HZ: Lamb is on the road, driving; he's feeling epic in his own mind; and fetches up at the motel where Veronica's card was used, and the sign says ‘American also spoken’, which goes with Lamb' statement earlier that he speaks "a bit of Mexican".
JOY: Touché.
HZ: I also enjoyed this hotel clerk for saying what we've always been thinking.
LAMB: ¿Usted lo ha visto?
HOTEL CLERK: No. But you all look alike to me.
HZ: If you have trouble distinguishing the rich white boys of Neptune, Jenny Owen Youngs has very kindly helped you out. Go to vmipod.com/cards for a card collection of all these blandly handsome fuckers.
JOY: Yes. Here to help. Here to help you tell them apart.
HZ: Oh, and then this is the saddest scene.
JOY: Oh no.
HZ: Enrico Colantoni is acting the shit out of it.
JOY: Yeah, he's crushing.
HZ: Sad, angry Keith is the worst. Veronica gets home and finds Keith in her room.
KEITH: If they take you away, if you're sent to prison...
VERONICA: You read the letters, though, right? From Meg to Child Protection Services? They're about her parents.
KEITH: It's not just your life you're gambling with, Veronica. I would not survive without you. You understand what you've done?
VERONICA: We had to do it.
KEITH: I know you think you did.
VERONICA: We DID.
KEITH: You played ME, Veronica!
VERONICA: I had to.
KEITH: I love you. I'll always love you. But I don't know how I'll ever trust you again.
HZ: While Veronica absorbs that blow, Keith goes to answer the door. It's the FBI, with two extra silent dudes. Lucy Lawless has a warrant. I was wondering what happens if she finds a lot of the Mars surveillance equipment? Is it legal to have it?
JOY: Oh, interesting. Also, wow, somebody on this show got a warrant, for once!
HZ: Then I thought, "Hmm, I could see a scenario where Keith and Lucy Lawless have a fling." You know, the repartee would be strong with those two if Veronica was not a suspect.
JOY: Hell yeah, I'll ship that shit.
HZ: We know that Keith still loves Veronica more than anything, including the law, because he's filled the bathroom hole. Although there's no crime, so it's all there's anguish for nothing.
JOY: Right.
AGENT: MORRIS: Funny thing happened in Big Bear, Mr Mars. There was no sign of Duncan Kane anywhere. But the manager of the condo did show a model unit to a cute young blonde woman. We did find this mini cassette in a dumpster behind the complex.
DUNCAN RECORDING: Where I am isn't important. I'm doing the right thing. There's no way I'll ever get to keep the baby now. I thought you'd understand, I thought you'd help. You know what the Mannings would do to her. Forget it. Forget it, I'll go it alone.
AGENT MORRIS: And I ask myself: is it possible to have an unrehearsed conversation with a tape recorder? I don't think so.
KEITH: Sounds like they got you, honey. Well, think of the money we'll save on a prom dress. I'm gonna make a sandwich. Anyone want a sandwich?
HZ: Then Weevil again, having a little crown tattoo shaded on his neck. Which is a good thing, because the tattoo artist has something for him.
JOY: Yeah. He's been saving a file. "Here, we've been saving his file for you -"
HZ: “For months!”
JOY: "- from your former club member. Here is a photo and a sketch, a photo strip from a photo booth, and a sketch that I made of a tattoo Felix was going to get." And it's fucking Molly Fitzpatrick.
HZ: She who IDed Veronica in the horrible pool scene.
JOY: Chekhov's younger sister of a known Irish crime family coming into play.
HZ: How long do you have to have been dating someone before you would get a tattoo of their face, Jenny?
JOY: Me personally?
HZ: Yeah.
JOY: No.
HZ: Anyway, Lamb is in an eatery in Mexico, and he is talking to a surfer dude, asking him if he's seen Duncan.
SURFER: It might not be the guy, man - you sure you got jurisdiction down here?
HZ: Even the surfer dude is able to diss Lamb.
JOY: Nice, yes.
HZ: He rushes off in his car in such a hurry that they even cut some frames, and a little cluster of backpackers watch him leave. Chekhov's backpackers.
JOY: Chekov's backpackers.
HZ: Also, there's a poster for Ay Chihuahuas, which is the candy Wallace tried to sell to that Scottish rich man that time.
JOY: In-universe candy! Lamb drives over some railroad tracks and notices that his trunk is ajar, so he gets out of his car, opens the trunk, and then I think there's like takeout food containers and like water bottles rolling around?
HZ: And some kind of mechanism to open it from within. He's been played!
JOY: Yes. Don't you think it would be hot in that trunk?
HZ: And also, if you are Duncan, you're a reasonably tall adult man going quite a long way...
JOY: Yeah.
HZ: He's probably pissed in that trunk a few times.
JOY: True.
HZ: And how would you know when to get out so that Lamb didn't see you, or that you were in the right place?
JOY: Hmm. Unknown. Well, he did - he knew that Lamb was going to that motel because the Veronica card swipe was planted there, right?
HZ: Yes. And that Lamb's car wouldn't get searched at the border.
JOY: Yep, yep, yep.
HZ: I also wonder whether this is the thing that stops the investigation carrying on into Veronica, because Lamb is now complicit.
JOY: Ooh, true.
HZ: The backpackers thumb for rides.
JOY: One of them has some wild hair and a wild beard.
HZ: He's got a blonde wig. Do you think it's the wig from season one flashbacks, but given a bit of a trim?
JOY: Yes.
HZ: And a big straw hat, and a brown fluffy beard and moustache, like really fluffy. That's glued on, it's got to be hot, isn't it? Wig, hat, glued-on facial hair in Mexico.
JOY: So brutal.
HZ: And then a pickup truck pulls up opposite.
JOY: Vinnie!!
HZ: And looking after the baby is Astrid the laundry minion, from the fake baby episode.
JOY: Yo, looking after the baby and probably using Veronica's card at that motel.
HZ: And doing the phone call tape thing from Big Bear. Real useful minion.
JOY: Busy, busy, busy.
HZ: Maybe this is her way of being like, "Fuck you, Celeste." And Vinnie's motive was that Duncan pays better than Celeste. $30,000.
JOY: Do you know, this might be part of Astrid's grad school earning work. "Assist my son in kidnapping his own child, even though it's totally unnecessary, and sneaking it over the border to Mexico."
HZ: Lot of conditions on this scholarship.
JOY: What's his plan for the rest of his life?
HZ: Financially, what's he doing? Unless he's just converted a lot of money into cash. He's renamed the baby Lilly.
JOY: Ah. That's very sweet.
HZ: Duncan is showing some emotions, which are sort of happiness and tear-iness, because, of course, he's leaving a lot behind. But he's got his daughter, and judging by the robot baby experience, he's going to dad well. And they drive past Lamb, heading in the opposite direction. Duncan slips on his hat as a disguise that cannot be cracked.
JOY: And then across the border in another country, Veronica is standing by the ocean contemplatively, staring out, and then she goes back to her room, reads a small slip of paper, pins it to her board. We see it and it says, "True love stories never have endings." It's the fortune from Chekhov's cookie from so long ago, from the top of the season. And why was I almost crying while I was watching this? Why, Helen?
HZ: Probably exhaustion.
JOY: Because I have my period? Because I'm very tired?
HZ: That'll do it.
JOY: Surely it can't be because they almost made me care about Veronica and Duncan. Can it?
HZ: Well, you know, we all have weaknesses, Jenny.
JOY: It's true.
HZ: And they have been quite sweet the last few episodes. I've been quite glad to see them. I've really enjoyed Duncan this season. And who'd have thought?
JOY: Yeah. Look at him go.
HZ: The numbers on this fortune cookie slip are from Lost.
JOY: Oh shit, it's the numbers? It's the hatch numbers? Amazing. Great job, Rob.
HZ: That's another thing Rob Thomas has seen!
JOY: OK, so he's seen Lost and Fargo. Check.
HZ: And then there's one last shot of teary Duncan riding off as the sun sets, and scene. Aside from the crime that wasn't, a few other illegalities take place in this episode, so let's return to Lo Dodds for another dose of the LoDown.
THE LODOWN part 2
HZ: So Duncan's not committing a crime, but are Veronica, Vinnie, and Astrid the laundry minion committing crimes by helping Duncan escape?
LO DODDS: OK, so if we assume that Duncan is not committing a crime by kidnapping, then all of the crimes that you could accuse, as far as conspiracy or aiding and abetting, those all crimes go away. But there are independent crimes being committed. So lying to the FBI is a crime. Using a fake passport to cross the border, that's a federal crime, and there's a whole bunch of crimes that they can charge you to go along with that, like identity theft or misrepresenting your citizenship. Astrid doesn't really lie to anyone, but she could probably be charged with conspiracy to help Veronica, who is, like I said, committing a crime by lying to the FBI and lying to Lamb. There's the jewellery theft. OK, so I don't know what you guys think about this, but I'm pretty convinced that, based on this episode, Celeste is in on this. Celeste knows what is happening. There's no way that Celeste would miss the chance to prosecute Veronica for theft if she could. So I think the theft was a setup. They needed to throw suspicion on to Veronica, so they did the whole earring thing so Celeste could keep her nose clean, because honestly, when she says, like, "If you don't cooperate, I'm going to prosecute you for the theft of my earrings," you're like, why? Why wouldn't you? Why wouldn't you do that now, you hate her? Also, what does Astrid get out of this?
JOY: What comes after grad school?
HZ: Postgrad.
LO DODDS: She has no reason to turn on Celeste, this makes no sense.
HZ: She's got loads of reasons to turn on Celeste because Celeste sucks, and maybe it's just a bit of revenge.
LO DODDS: She does. But I would still rather have had law school paid for, and do some laundry and work for someone who's arguably kind of a terrible mother than getting involved with a kidnapping plot. Like that seems like kind of a stretch. I think more along lines like, I saw this and went, this makes sense that Celeste is doing this, but she can't be seen to be involved when she hires Vinnie, Vinnie wants to get paid twice, that makes sense, and Celeste and the Kanes would rather have this heartwarming story they can spin later, like, "He kidnapped his own daughter," when he runs for office, like when it all works out, as opposed to the Mannings dragging his medical condition out into the news, which is what would happen in a custody battle.
HZ: His mysterious medical condition. So shameful, and yet...
JOY: Don't ask questions. Don't look directly at it. Just trust us.
LO DODDS: Yeah, and apparently very regulated with medication, as we've all seen. So I don't really know what's going on. But that was my theory. I was just like, "No."
HZ: They're locked in a prison of shame for no reason.
LO DODDS: Exactly. Yeah. When he comes back, it'll be fine.
JOY: So this isn't the first time that we've seen a version of, or heard about a version of the "Vinnie special", which involves Vinnie van Lowe getting paid twice for the same job, or two versions of the same job. What's the sort of legal precedent here if you're a private detective, and somebody hires you to do one thing and somebody else wants to hire you to do the exact opposite thing? What is going on there?
LO DODDS: PIs are licenced, and just like any licenced profession, so if I screw up, someone can report me to the state bar. So if Vinnie screws up, they're going to report him to the state licencing committee for professional or private investigators and he could lose his licence.
JOY: Aha.
LO DODDS: That's what happens when you have a PI who does the Vinnie Special, which is I think, you know, trying to find someone who was cheating and then turning around and saying, "I'll tell them you're a saint if you pay me double," something like that. So it looks like Vinnie has escaped censure for all this time, so I don't know.
HZ: Lamb makes a terrifying intimation that maybe he fancies joining the FBI. What's the process for a sheriff levelling up to the FBI?
LO DODDS: The qualifications that she gives are right. You have to have a college degree. You generally need an advanced degree in accounting or laws, tech degree, speak a foreign language; you have to have some skills. Being a law enforcement officer does helps if you have experience with that, but Lamb, I'm not sure is going to make the age cut-off, because you have to be 37 at the time you enter the academy. So if Lamb has to finish a college degree and an advanced degree, I don't know. I get the impression that Lamb is in his early thirties, I'm guessing? I don't know that he has enough time. But, you can go to something called the National Academy, my dad did that; that's where they send law enforcement officers to like a mini - well, I don't know how mini it is, but it's three months of the FBI training academy, so there's still hope for him.
HZ: How much of a foreign language does he have to speak? And does it have to be a foreign language that's likely to be useful in being an FBI agent in the USA? So, no offence to Norwegian, but that's a very Norway-specific language.
LO DODDS: Yeah, he's going to have to speak a language that's helpful for FBI-related crimes. So Arabic, Farsi, Pakistani, Chinese, one of those languages, and no, they don't take high school French. And you have to be super fluent too, because if you're coming out as someone who speaks this language, they're gonna want to put you in the field in those areas.
JOY: Ugh. Just thinking about getting "put into the field" made me feel tired and unhappy.
LO DODDS: You could be put out to pasture. Think of it that way.
HZ: Like a little lamb.
JOY: OK, oh wow.
LO DODDS: Yeah. Think of him being put in some remote outpost where he can't hurt anybody else ever again.
JOY: We sent him to a nice farm in Montana so he could roam wherever he pleases.
LO DODDS: We can talk about the saddest crime in this episode, the actual crime.
HZ: OK.
LO DODDS: It's so sad, I'm so disappointed.
HZ: Is it Wallace?
LO DODDS: Yeah. I don't know about Chicago or Illinois, but in California there's no legal duty to report a crime that you witness, even if you could have prevented it.
HZ: Really?
JOY: What if they blinked?
LO DODDS: Yeah, you can't because you can't put that kind of liability on someone to stop a robber to do anything like that. If you just witness it, though - so there's a point at which Wallace's witnessing becomes aiding and abetting. So if at any point the cops start questioning Wallace again, if he lies to the police officer, he does anything to help Rashard cover up the crime, avoid detection, it's gonna get real dicey for him, real quick. He could be convicted of crime, and, I mean, the biggest problem here is that obviously Alicia is gonna be super pissed. But yeah, I am, I'm scared for Wallace.
HZ: They wrote her out, though, so we're never going to see her.
JOY: We'll never see her be upset.
LO DODDS: She's upset, I can feel it. Want me to talk about Dick?
HZ: Must we?
LO DODDS: Anyone?
JOY: Uh, phrasing. Lo, I demand that you talk about Dick immediately.
LO DODDS: Let's talk about Dick. Yeah. It's definitely illegal. Dick should not buy drugs. That's a crime.
HZ: But Logan is making Dick buy drugs, so who's really culpable?
LO DODDS: Yes, yeah, it could, I guess it would be some sort of aiding and abetting a crime of purchasing narcotics, but I don't see much happening there. He's obviously doing it so that nobody knows that he and Weevil are in bed together. Just for you.
JOY: Nice. Thanks Lo.
HZ: The fanfic's really coming along nicely.
JOY: Hell yeah.
HZ: Jenny, a packed episode. Lots of lines. But did any find a way to be your favourites? "True love stories never have endings"?
JOY: I liked Wallace's a little bit when he comes over to Veronica's and finds her on the floor and says, "I came over here to see Veronica Mars" - drink! - "who's this emo girl?"
HZ: It's not that emo, is it, if she's listening Paula Cole? I don't think she's usually classified as an emo musician.
JOY: No, but, you know, emo is just short for ‘emotional’, so.
HZ: That is true. Then a lot of music can be emo, I guess.
JOY: It's true. More than you think.
HZ: Wallace has seen a lot of Veronica emotion since getting back, because they had their New Year's Eve snuggle, which was very sweet.
JOY: True.
HZ: Not as much comfort this episode, maybe, as I might like.
JOY: What did you fancy for a line?
HZ: I was very amused by this hotel clerk who clearly didn't give a shit about Sheriff Lamb, saying, "You all look alike to me," Neptune white men. And how would you score this episode, Jenny? Tell me how to think and feel.
JOY: Oh, my god. Well, a lot happened and I feel like I remember, when I watched it the first time, being like whoa, zoom in, dolly out, the big reveal! And it's Duncan's last episode, so I'd love to send him off with a decent score as he's been such a sport this season. I didn't even talk about how great Lucy Lawless's FBI suit is, she looks so great. I would give it four Lucy Lawless FBI suits, Helen, out of five.
HZ: I give Lucy Lawless ten out of five in this episode.
JOY: Hell yeah.
HZ: Except for the mental health shaming - I'll deduct two. Eight out of five.
JOY: Yes, OK.
HZ: And I loved how much Lamb was getting dissed when he was clearly trying to have a real high point of his career. Emotional Keith, who still had Veronica's back. That was beautiful. Got to see Backup twice.
JOY: Aw, Backup!
HZ: Oh, there was Vinnie as well. Always a treat for me.
JOY: Oh, yeah. A high point.
HZ: But ultimately, plot-wise, I just felt there was a bit too much chaos for me to be able to handle.
JOY: Yeah, there's a lot to keep track of.
HZ: And I think because I don't have complete buy-in to Veronica and Duncan's relationship - because who does? - them having to be parted forever, I know that that would be very painful consciously, but I didn't feel it.
JOY: Yeah.
HZ: Also, I just thought: she's had two friends be murdered, while in high school still. Like, what a life is that?
JOY: Wow. That is... When you zoom out a little bit, outside of the context of the show, man, that is fucked-up on paper, Helen.
HZ: Yeah. That is some extremely heavy shit. So I think I will give it 3.9 holes in the bathroom cabinet. But because it's Duncan's last episode, I thought I'd write a little song as a tribute for him.
JOY: Yes!
HZ: Because, to be honest, he’s been a bit of a mixed bag; but overall, I now feel a little sad that he's gone. So here is a farewell for Duncan. The instrumentation's all by Martin Austwick.
Duncan Kane, we hardly knew you
Except for the shirts of blue you
Wore to mark you out from other rich white guys.
But you contained a multitude,
Every day a different dude,
Albeit with the same face, same hair, same eyes...
So
Let’s
Say
Goodbye to every Duncan
Such a multifaceted boy:
The grieving brother,
The one who sassed his mother,
And the one who raised the roof with Troy.
On some days you were a joker,
And you’re really bad at poker
Even though your face never gives things away.
Danny Zuko for just one brief spurt
Jumped off the bleachers - must have hurt -
It’s ok, there’s a fresh Duncan the next day.
Goodbye to every Duncan,
The socialist untainted by wealth.
The milk-chugging one,
The dinner-ruining son
And the dubious portrayal of mental health.
Your condition was mysterious
It certainly seemed serious:
Epilepsy as a plot device.
You would fly off the handle,
And act like a vandal;
But most of the time, you were rather nice.
So farewell to all the Duncans,
All the good and all the bad.
You left us with one final Duncan:
The baby-snatching fugitive dad.
Goodbye to every Duncan,
We won’t see a new Duncan again
We’ll miss them a little bit;
Even though they were quite shit,
They were still our second-favourite Kane.
JOY: Helen! Helen! Helen! Helen!
HZ: Good evening.
JOY: Wow! Wow, another masterpiece. You can't be stopped.
HZ: Could easily be stopped, Jenny. Could so easily be stopped, just one word.
JOY: I insist that you never be stopped.
HZ: Just say stop and it will stop.
JOY: What a joy. What a treasure. What a fitting tribute for a young lad just trying his best to meet the needs of the writers and these scripts and the plot.
HZ: How very self-sacrificing of him.
JOY: Mm hmm.
HZ: Well.
JOY: Wow.
HZ: Well.
JOY: Wow.
HZ: Well, that's this episode of Veronica Mars investigated.
JOY: Case closed.
HZ: That was Veronica Mars Investigations Season 2 Episode 11: Donut Run.
JOY: Watch season 2 episode 12 and join us next time to investigate it.
HZ: Find the show on Twitter, Instagram and Facebook @VMIpod.
JOY: The website, where the show is hiding behind the toilet paper, is vmipod.com.
HZ: I am Helen Zaltzman. I make two other podcasts, Answer Me This and the Allusionist you can find in the podplaces. The Allusionist this month is about the queer lexicon in minority languages or oppressed languages.
JOY: Oh hell yeah. I'm Jenny Owen Youngs and I make another podcast, about Buffy the Vampire Slayer, that you can learn about at BufferingTheVampireSlayer.com. You can also hear me sing songs and learn about music that I make at JennyOwenYoungs.com.
HZ: This episode was edited and mixed by me, Helen Zaltzman. Thanks to Ian Steadman for transcribing the episode.
JOY: The music is by Martin Austwick and Jenny Owen Youngs.
HZ: The sheriff of this town, and more competent than Sheriff Lamb, is Hrishikesh Hirway.
JOY: The show is distributed by PRX.
HZ: Until next time, who’s your daddy?
JOY: Actually, Helen, who’s your daddy?
HZ: Is it Duncan? Which Duncan?
JOY: Did he tuck you in the crook of his arm and run you across the border like a tiny little football?
HZ: Tucked me in his wig and ran away. That would have been a good disguise, wrapping the baby in the wig.
JOY: Yeah, “That's not a baby. It's just a hedgehog. A really big hedgehog.”
HZ: “Just taking my wig for a ride and you can’t legislate against it.”