VMI 2.12 Rashard and Wallace Go To White Castle transcript
Hear this episode at VMIpod.com/2-12
Content note: Veronica Mars contains heavy themes, and this episode includes plotlines concerning murder, violence and drugs.
A LONG TIME AGO ON VERONICA MARS:
That hit and run that sent Wallace back to Neptune is being pinned on our favourite pure-hearted boy! And he has just five days to clear his name!
Veronica is on the case, and it involves a limo kidnapping scheme, infiltrating a frat party, and phone theft.
Oh and she also plants a camera in a church confessional booth, to find out which PCHer is working for the Fitzpatricks’ drug business and therefore killed Felix.
And it’s...Thumper! Who also seems to be the leader of the PCHers now, leaving Weevil powerless, beaten and bikeless.
Keith meanwhile is cooking hotdogs and listening to witness interviews about the bus crash.
And it’s karaoke night, again, so cover your ears and assume the brace position, you know the drill.
JOY: I'm not, like, a professional smellologist, but I am Jenny Owen Youngs.
HZ: And not always on the up-and-up god-wise, I’m Helen Zaltzman.
You’re listening to Veronica Mars Investigations season 2 episode 12: Rashard and Wallace Go To White Castle.
HZ: A reference to a thing not written by Rob Thomas!
JOY: For once.
HZ: And congratulations, Jenny, we're over halfway through season two, and therefore over halfway through the original Veronica Mars.
JOY: Wow. Wow. Look at us go. Sometimes when you get to the halfway point, it's time for like a very meaningful camera lingering upon a big knife.
HZ: Yes, a shock opener.
JOY: Ooh, it's so noir. What's that pointy knife gonna do? It's gonna cut some German chocolate nutgasm cake, unfortunately. Unfortunately for all of us, we have to endure the word "nutgasm".
HZ: Nutgasm. And this is meant to make Wallace feel better? Nutgasm.
JOY: No.
HZ: It's Veronica trying to cheer him up. This is the mystery of the week: Wallace and the hit-and-run that he was a passenger in in Chicago and was told to cover up, and Veronica's like, "Cheer up, here's some nutgasm. Oh, it's going to be really terrible for you, going up against Rashard, the new LeBron. So bad." I mean, like some fucking help that is.
JOY: Yeah. Where's the positive can-do attitude, Veronica?
HZ: That's not really her style, is it?
JOY: No, I suppose not.
HZ: She's doing quite a lot of bad quips this episode, and I think that's just how they express her mourning her relationship with the departed Duncan.
JOY: Ah yes. Who was that again? I can't remember.
HZ: Just a smear of blue on the horizon. We also in this scene see the Java the Hutt logo. I don't recall seeing it before, but it's a cup, with a lowercase J cut through the middle, and behind that are some lights, because there have to be. There's lights in everything in this cafe.
JOY: The language they speak at the Neptune Onlyplace is Luminosity.
HZ: And that fucking reporter turns up. Why didn't they just sack that off, given they have zero obligations to speak to a reporter ever?
JOY: Yeah. Ugh, why? Ah, because Wallace wants to be a good guy, Helen.
HZ: But then at school, they're like, "Oh, it's weird that no shit's come your way for blabbing. What's happening?" That's just a temporary respite because then, at 04:25 in the morning, Wallace gets a phone call from his bio dad, Nathan Woods. Remember him from wearing a big leather jacket earlier in the season?
JOY: I do remember him in his leather jacket, for sure.
HZ: Well, I suppose it's 6.25am in Chicago. But he's shocked, shocked by the paper. It's a Chicago paper, right? So that explains why Wallace has not seen a copy in California. But Nathan said in the paper, Rashard and the other passengers said Wallace was driving during the hit-and run. He's been really fucked over.
JOY: Predictable, yet still so disappointing.
HZ: I hate when bad things happen to Wallace. He's taking it quite well, I think, but what's amazing to me is then, when he's at school, Veronica's looking at the article in a paper copy - also on that page is an article about the demise of toga parties, so this paper must be 2000 years old.
JOY: Hah! Perfectly preserved.
HZ: Yeah, it's a very crisp paper, which makes it worse when she's pissed off, so she crumples up the paper and Wallace is like, "No, don't, I got it from the library, I don't want to get into trouble with them for giving it back crumpled." So that is worse to him than being charged with, I don't know what, attempted murder?
JOY: Yeah. What, I wonder, would the charge be?
HZ: For the paper?
JOY: For assault with a Hummer, I guess? For a hit-and-run. We'll have to ask Lo.
HZ: Wallace reckons all the other kids are lying because Rashard's uncle, Monte Rucker, has got to them. But, convenient news: Rashard is coming to LA because UCLA is trying to recruit him. So, opportunity.
JOY: If only Wallace could just like talk to him, privately, for a minute. Basketball player to basketball player.
HZ: Yeah. You know, if you want to have a conversation with someone, you have to have a very elaborate scheme that takes most of an episode, and a lot of resources, and a limo, and some double-crossing, and going to some clubs, and kidnapping.
JOY: Yes. What of it, Helen? I am who I am. This is just how you get things done. OK, so Jackie is back; we learn some interesting things: number one, Wallace didn't return her calls, and number two, Jackie suggests that the three of them hang out, Veronica and Wallace, and Wallace is like, "I'm busy, but you all can hang out without me."
HZ: Suuure.
JOY: And Veronica and Jackie have this very meaningful eye contact that clearly states, "The only thing we have in common is Wallace." They do not want to hang out.
HZ: It's not even the same sides of Wallace that they appreciate. Although I thought it was quite magnanimous, coming from Jackie, saying, "The three of us should hang out."
JOY: I agree. I agree.
HZ: Whatever she's been doing off-screen for the last seven episodes, it's been some personal development.
JOY: Personal development. Yes. This episode... I'm going to just get slightly ahead of ourselves and just say that this episode marks the, what, character de-assassination of Jackie? I'm so happy to see her and so pleased with what she does in this episode.
HZ: I am not pleased with whatever the fuck it is Veronica is wearing under her quite cool green leather jacket. Is it like a purple and green tie-dye T-shirt?
JOY: I just have a blank spot in my memory, Helen. I must have blocked it out.
HZ: Well, cover that blank with tie-dye.
JOY: OK, if I must. God, this show loves tie-dye.
HZ: I don't remember there being a tie-dye trend in early 2006.
JOY: I don't remember that either.
HZ: And yet, here is a document thereof. Because there was also tie-dye on Logan recently.
JOY: It's true. Maybe they were trying to make tie-dye happen and it never caught on.
HZ: Maybe they had a lot of white shirts that had got a bit dirty, so they thought, "We can upcycle these."
JOY: "We could spruce these up." Yeah, hell yeah.
HZ: Because they've got their budgetary constraints - that's why we haven't seen Wallace and Jackie for ages. Bring it all back with the shirts. Wallace needs a good lawyer. Veronica's like, "Well, I know a lawyer."
JOY: And it's Cliff! We get to see Cliff and hear his wonderful voice. He's not terribly helpful, though.
CLIFF: At the negotiated time five days hence, Wallace Fennel will turn himself in to the Neptune Sheriff’s Department, who will oversee his transfer to the Chicago police.
WALLACE: What if I’m not there?
CLIFF: Then they’ll issue a warrant, you’ll be arrested, probably found guilty, and end up married to some enormous murderer named Tiny. My advice? Be punctual.
VERONICA: Or prove your innocence.
CLIFF: Or that. Suit yourself.
HZ: It's convenient that they gave them five days. Not too much so it doesn't get a bit lacking in urgency.
JOY: There's still tension, but ample time to work all of his schemes, yeah.
HZ: Wallace is like, "Well, I'm confident I'm gonna get cleared in time that I can play in the big game against Pan High, because let's not forget that sports are more important than everything else."
JOY: Wallace has a passion and that passion's name is basketball and also kicking Pan High's ass.
VERONICA: How can you even think of the game right now?
WALLACE: Rival school, biggest game of the year? I can't help it. I'm male.
VERONICA: Well, here's a message from the females: you're nuts.
HZ: "Of course I care about sports. I'm a guy, aren't I?" And then I couldn't be bothered to follow the next bit, because it involved Veronica kind of woman-shaming some ex-student, now cheerleader, who has the temerity to have boobs.
JOY: I feel like you're really missing what I would consider the golden highlight of this scene, which is Wallace indicating boobs by gently miming cuppage in the air without saying boobs.
HZ: Maybe he was just trying to write the word ‘boobs’ in the air. And that was the double O that he was gesticulating with his hands.
JOY: Absolutely. It is funny that the word boobs has... Wow, now that I'm looking at it in my notes, Helen, ‘BOOBS’ is in all caps, it's like two boobs, and then two big boobs in the middle, and then two more boobs at the end.
HZ: But two boobs pointing in opposite directions at the end.
JOY: Yeah, yeah, yeah, it's great. OK. Wow, what a podcast.
HZ: She also mentioned some "skanky girls" - or, as anyone else might term them, "girls".
JOY: Yeah. What have these girls ever done to Veronica?
HZ: They are girls, Jenny, therefore they are Veronica's enemy, because, you know, she is a tool of the patriarchy.
JOY: She is... You could have just stopped after ‘tool’, but then it only got better from there.
HZ: I love the outfits they've put these supposed skanks in when we go to a nightlife spot.
JOY: Their matching outfits? They kind of look like land-bound mermaids or something.
HZ: Yes! They have jeans on, but then asymmetric turquoise sparkly dresses with trim, which is the truly mermaidly bit. But then, beige boob cardigans, just for a bit of extra protection for the features that how dare they have.
JOY: You have to keep them warm and also under control.
HZ: Emphasised but inaccessible.
JOY: Yes. The only safe way to deal with boobs, Helen.
HZ: Like a museum exhibit in a glass case.
JOY: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Behind a big red velvet rope.
HZ: These matching people are hanging off Rashard, answering questions about school. The question he's interested in being: "Where's the party?"
JOY: Aha, yes.
HZ: And the party is wherever he's going - and where he's going is a limo that no one has ordered for him, but someone's standing there with his name on a little placard, so off he and the girls go.
JOY: Helen, let me ask you something. You walk out of a party dripping with women, as you always are...
HZ: Yeah.
JOY: ...and there is a limo you've never seen before.
HZ: All tracks so far.
JOY: The driver is just holding up a sign that says ‘Helen Zaltzman’. Are you getting in that fucking car? That is a great way to get serial-killed, Helen.
HZ: Is my name spelled correctly? Almost certainly not, even if it was a legit limo.
JOY: Yeah, you and I come out of a party dripping with women, as we always are, and someone's holding a sign that says "Helen Zalsman and Jenny Owens Youg".
HZ: Do you get ‘Youg’ a lot?
JOY: Do we get in the limo? No, I have never gotten ‘Youg’, but I wanted to like up the ante.
HZ: What about if in the front of the limo is a Veronica wearing a UCLA blazer? How much more legit do you need? What if the limo driver has a sumptuous moustache which looks fake but seems to be real, judging by the IMDB profile?
JOY: The moustache would encourage me to get in the vehicle, and seeing Veronica would discourage me from getting in the vehicle.
HZ: The vehicle being a limo would discourage me from getting in the limo.
JOY: Helen, the fruits of your labour. You're a woman who enjoys the finer things in life.
HZ: Am I?
JOY: No.
HZ: Certainly not car-based.
JOY: I don't think you would classify a limo as a finer thing in life, is the sense that I get.
HZ: I hear that the car sickness is really amped up by being in a limo.
JOY: Oh yeah, it's so long.
HZ: It's awfully long. The swing on that.
JOY: And you're all the way at the back.
HZ: How is Veronica paying for all this? And why not just bring Wallace to the party to confront Rashard?
JOY: I was wondering. I guess that makes sense, that she hired the limo. I was just letting it happen, Helen.
HZ: And then very quickly, the scheme is thwarted by two things. A truck crossing slowly in front of them, so the limo has to break, and then Rashard's uncle Monte, following him on foot, and when the car is stopped, opens the door, makes women leave, then instead of removing Rashard from this unknown limo, gets in himself, fuck's sake. Does it run in the family, just getting into unknown limos?
JOY: Apparently.
HZ: Uncle Monte doesn't want Rashard to be consorting with girls in case they're leeches, and hits him in the dick to prove his point.
JOY: Helen, has your uncle ever hit you in the dick?
HZ: I've only met my uncle about eight times, and no, he didn't hit me in the dick. He taught me how to make a compass with a piece of string and a pin.
JOY: That's pretty tight. That's way cooler than hitting your nibling in the dick.
HZ: I don't think I've hit any of my niblings in the dick so far.
JOY: Good on you, Helen.
HZ: So the problem is girls are the enemy of sports deals. As everyone knows, sports players are notoriously chaste.
JOY: Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
HZ: They pull up into a parking lot next to Wallace's car, and Veronica's wacky plan turns bad almost immediately.
JOY: This is a hell of a plan.
HZ: It's not the right conditions to create, if you want someone to have a chat, that they need to come out victorious from. The kidnapping's bad; parking lot setting's bad.
JOY: Kidnapping's bad. Nothing here is going to make Rashard feel safe, or like he wants to give Wallace the benefit of the doubt on anything.
HZ: No. But the confusing thing is, after Uncle Monte is like, "Fuck this," and the limo driver is like, "What the fuck is going on?" they all drive off, leaving Veronica and Wallace in the parking lot. So who's paying for the limo at this point? If Veronica is now detached from the limo party.
JOY: It's the true mystery of the pod, Helen. I don't know. Veronica declares that she wants a cheeseburger because, as you know, she's not like other girls, Helen, she eats cheeseburgers.
HZ: Oh, well now that Duncan's gone, she's got no one to bodyshame. So she doesn't need to prove a point by forswearing foods that are not particularly nutritionally valuable.
JOY: Right, right. And this reminds Wallace that just before the accident, Rashard and he and the other guys went through a drivethrough. They went through a White Castle drivethrough.
HZ: There is a White Castle drive through in Chicago. I've been to a radio conference that takes place very near it, so I've walked past it multiple times.
JOY: Thank you for doing the legwork, Helen. Important research.
HZ: Maybe, if you were being a sensible teen detective, before you were like, "OK, let's book a limo for no good reason, and then take it to a bleak place for a chat when someone realises they've been kidnapped," what she could have done was sit Wallace down and be like, "OK, tell me absolutely everything, moment by moment, that happened that night. Everywhere you stopped. Everyone you spoke to. Oh, White Castle? OK, well that's a clue." They would have saved hundreds of dollars. And a blazer.
JOY: Yeah. Isn't she supposed to be a frikkin' detective? Very little detecting going on, is the problem.
HZ: It's interesting in this episode, because you see Keith doing kind of nuts-and-bolts detecting where you have to wade through a lot of information. I think Veronica likes the "Ta-da!" kind of detecting, and the surveillance. She loves to be on the ground. But remember, she's not just a detective. She also works at Java the Hutt, and she's late for her shift. And how late is that place open?
JOY: 24-hour coffee, karaoke, nutgasm cake, and... What else do they serve there? They serve some other stuff? Bistro food?
HZ: Like bistro Chinese food.
JOY: Right, right, right.
HZ: Luckily, Wallace's biological father is a cop in Chicago who swiftly tracks down the guy who served them at White Castle, whose name is actually Guy, which is bit of a timesaver. But the bad news is he's not been to work for three days, and the surveillance video is gone, so Uncle Monte must have paid them off as well. I wonder if White Castle were happy with being portrayed as pay-offable?
JOY: What I wonder is if talent scouts would really give a shit, if this guy was the next LeBron James. I guess charges and possible jail time would be an impediment to him playing ball for a university and then going on to the NBA, but I just feel like sport, above all...
HZ: Sport! Sport! Sport! Balls! Balls! Balls!
JOY: ...those teams and team managers and stuff would just be looking at the potential dollar signs and not really giving so much of a shit about this? I don't know.
HZ: Well, he would be the first sports player to have a criminal charge against him, I guess. It's funny that this show is so sport, sport, sport. Sport's very important. And then they have the petite Wallace as a basketball champion. I know we've mentioned it before…
JOY: He is so good at basketball, he doesn't even need a height advantage.
HZ: Right. Incredible!
JOY: He's that good! What he lacks in height, Wallace makes up for in grit, enthusiasm, having the smile of an angel, and just generally like being a good vibe.
HZ: He's as high as the heavens, because he's so good.
JOY: It's true, yes.
HZ: He stretches from the floor to Celestia.
JOY: Hah! Wow.
HZ: The next stop to try and have a casual conversation with Rashard is a frat party at a black fraternity, which Veronica had evidently not researched because she's not really going to blend in there.
JOY: Love to see a place where Veronica...
HZ: ...doesn't choose to get the face paints out and do something that would have to be deleted from the record in 2020?
JOY: Oh my god, Helen!
HZ: You know other shows would.
JOY: Helen! Helen.
HZ: You know other shows would Soul Man this plot.
JOY: Oh god. Well, I'm glad that Veronica has the good sense to not just think that she belongs every single place that she might want to go.
HZ: It is usually her way.
JOY: Right, exactly.
HZ: But not today. She could probably use the rest as well.
JOY: So true.
HZ: Rashard is at the party, dancing really happily until Wallace come and ruins it.
JOY: They have a little chat.
HZ: It's not a friendly chat.
JOY: It's not a friendly chat. Nobody's getting what they want.
HZ: Yeah, well, because what Wallace wants is not to go to prison, and what Rashard wants is not to lose a $50 million deal that allegedly is on the line.
JOY: Yeah. So you're setting up $50 million dollar deals when you're still in high school? As a basketball player? This is how it all works? Like, how early are you lining shit up?
HZ: LeBron is the analogue, and he was getting a $90 million deal when he was still in high school. It's not Wallace's night because there's Jackie, flirting with Rashard. She looks a little tipsy, although she does drive later.
JOY: Oh, yeah. And they get into it in front of Rashard. Wallace is like, "You don't want to talk to this guy," and Jackie's like, "Well, since when do you care who I talk to?" and Rashard is like, "Jackie, is this guy bothering you?" and Wallace is like, "Bah!" OK. Get a load, Helen: your friend and mine, Anton Chekhov, has been doing some work in this episode.
HZ: He's a very busy Russian playwright.
JOY: He's a busy Russian playwright.
HZ: He loves to plant a clue, just hoping some of them pay off.
JOY: He planted a clue. The clue starts on Jackie's shoulder when Rashard puts his hand on it, and then completes itself when Jackie looks unhappily at his hand, which you would like maybe miss if you didn't know where the episode was going, but while Rashard is like all, you know, puffing out his chest and being like, "Get out of here, Wallace," and puts his hand around Jackie's shoulder, she looks at it and is not stoked about it.
HZ: If you didn't know how things were going to pan out, you can interpret that as either Jackie still doesn't necessarily want to ruin the possibility of things with Wallace by seeming to be with another guy, or that she wants the fight with Wallace without actually having to commit to flirting, or more, with Rashard.
JOY: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
HZ: And in fact, both those things can be true with the way that the plot pans out: she wants to keep options open with Wallace and is not actually into Rashard.
JOY: It's true. OK.
HZ: Rashard summons two guys, and they drag Wallace out.
JOY: Unnecessary. Uncalled for. And then Jackie's like, "Hey, I know a club we can go to"...
JACKIE: We could have a really good time.
RASHARD: Damn. Well, you know, my uncle told me I had to stick around here for a while and just -
JACKIE: Oh, is he here? Maybe I can ask for his permission.
RASHARD: Okay... You know what? I call my own shots. Let’s go.
JOY: ...then does this like really excellent Jackie needling to get this guy to do exactly what we later learned she wanted him to do all along. They're going to Club Thin, where that cop works, citing, yes, another Chekhov's Open Invitation To Get Underage Kids Into A Random Hollywood Club.
HZ: They drive off to Club Thin. It that a real club? Weird name.
JOY: I hope not.
HZ: And Wallace re-enters the party for some reason and then gets into it with Uncle Monte Rucker, because he's going to take him to the relevant club.
JOY: Just two guys, an unlikely pair, getting in a car together to go to Club Thin, of course.
HZ: The uncle just gets out of a taxi and walks right to the front of the line, which, that's confident. Would your uncle do that?
JOY: Right after he hit me in the dick? Probably.
HZ: My uncle would just like use some kind of mathematical equation to plot the most efficient way to get to the line.
JOY: Yes.
HZ: But from a safe distance.
JOY: Yes, I love your uncle.
HZ: Everyone's surrendering their cell phones and the metal objects to go through the scanner. So when Uncle Monte submits his phone for scanning, the Super Huge Deputy switches it with an identical model, which is actually quite hard in 2006, because I think people used a far greater variety of phones then.
JOY: Yes, that is so true.
HZ: Whereas now you could probably just have like a Samsung and a couple of different models of iPhone and have a pretty good chance of getting the phone right.
JOY: Yeah. Yeah. Do you think Veronica, in her little detective kit, she has a super bug kit suitcase, and then she's got a suitcase that's just like a whole selection of current phone models for just such an occasion as this?
HZ: A lot of Motorolas, a lot of Sony Ericsson. It's a museum of sorts.
JOY: Ooh, some Nokias, some fucking Samsung flippers...
HZ: Just like a brush salesman, opens up her coat and it's all these phones.
JOY: Oh hell yeah.
HZ: So as soon as he's gone into the club, she appears from behind some lockers and Super Huge Deputy gives Veronica the phone.
JOY: I love that this guy is still just like, "Are you sure you don't want to hang out? Just like stick around and have a blast." He just seems genuinely invested in Veronica having a good time, which I like.
HZ: She's not got time to have a good time; she's got two cases and a coffee shop job this episode.
JOY: Let us feast our eyes and brains upon Jackie's greatest moment to date.
HZ: Absolutely.
JOY: She rolls up to the lunch table that Wallace and Veronica are sitting at.
HZ: He's got a horrible-looking sandwich that he doesn't even want to eat. He's so sad. It's curling at the corners.
JOY: Ugh. Sandwiches shouldn't curl. But Jackie's like, "Aah?" And they're like, "Aaaah! You nailed it." High five, high five, high five, high five.
JACKIE: How did I do?
VERONICA: From what I heard? Phew, ice bitch.
WALLACE: Oh, yeah, she was good. Poor Rashard. Kid never had a chance.
JACKIE: It’s a dubious talent, but snagging guys has always been a breeze… It’s holding on to the good ones that’s tricky.
HZ: Detective Jackie would be such an asset to Mars Investigations.
JOY: Yeah.
HZ: Because she's very good at lying, she's ingenious, and she's very hard to resist.
JOY: And she probably has a lot of fedoras and trench coats already.
HZ: It's so lovely to see a bit of collaboration between these three.
JOY: Yes. This is the Jackie we want to see. This fucking rocks. She crushed it so hard. And she's like, "So, Wallace, what are you up to at this future point when we could be spending time alone?" And then from behind her, oh no. Helen, tragedy: it's Jane. Jane's like, "Hey Wallace, we still on for such-and-so? We're gonna hang out?"
HZ: "Tomorrow, after the game?"
JOY: "Possibly kiss or something?"
HZ: You remember Jane: she's the sneezing one from the STI class, and the limping one from episode two of this season.
JOY: The problem with this, Helen... The problem with this is not that we're not getting what we want by the end of the episode, which is like, "Oh, hell yeah, Jackie helped, and now she seems to have like grown, and now maybe she and Wallace can give it another shot," but oh no, that's not gonna happen, because... Well, the problem is not that we are led to want something and then are denied it. The problem is that, like, why? We don't give a shit about Jane. Jane has neither endeared herself nor made us hate her. She's just sort of there. No offence, Jane.
HZ: But she is Jane, she's not The Jane One. So she has that going for her.
JOY: That's true.
HZ: She's sort of a borderline Mac-type, but she's not Mac.
JOY: Nobody is Mac.
HZ: And I think a lot of people could have shipped Mac and Wallace, but -
JOY: Oh my god, it didn't even occur to me to ship Mac and Wallace, what a great idea. Oh, the two good ones!
HZ: See, then you'd be all on board Wallace not getting together with Jackie again! But tough shit.
JOY: Tough shit indeed.
HZ: So having got the phone, they manage to get the number of Guy, the guy from White Castle, who we see living it up in a fancy hotel suite. He's just wearing a shirt and socks, and he's jumping around to ‘Jump Around’ by House of Pain while two very bored-looking women try and ignore what's happening. Why are they even there?
JOY: Oof, yeah. How much are they getting paid?
HZ: Well, he offers them room service chicken fingers, or cake, or cheese. He's got a wad of cash to pay for it, it's not even his own cash. When someone knocks at the door, he's like, "I just had to think it and the room service came," but instead...
JOY: It's Nathan. Daddy Nathan.
HZ: Yeah, he's been a very useful guy this episode.
JOY: Yeah.
HZ: So I guess offscreen that somehow corrects all of the slander that has taken place against Wallace.
JOY: What a relief.
HZ: Because ultimately the law is greater than a local paper?
JOY: Yes?
HZ: Wallace gets his moment of triumph when Uncle Monte calls his own phone - which I'd imagine would be some kind of incriminating evidence actually, if this does go to trial? - and tells him to shut his mouth.
JOY: Yeah, shut your mouth, Uncle Monte.
HZ: That's it for this plot, isn't it? Done.
JOY: That's the end.
HZ: Done, and is never a problem again. Let Wallace continue unimpeded.
JOY: Indeed. I hope Wallace and Jackie get back together, that's all.
HZ: I hope that she finds fulfilment in being by herself for a while. Just want Jackie to feel self-actualised, and not need so much external validation.
JOY: OK, yeah, but you know who would be a great partner who wouldn't get in the way of self-actualisation? Probably is Wallace.
HZ: Dammit. You're so right, Jenny.
JOY: Then they could be cute, they can make out, they could team up, and continue to grow as individuals. Would love to see it.
HZ: The rest of this episode is checking in on some of the season-long plots, and this delighted me, even though it was not dramatic: we have Keith just listening to some tapes. The ruse that Keith is coming into the sheriff's department with is that he's being audited and he needs his salary and expense documents; but no rush, Inga, because he has a Bill O'Reilly book and a Bad Company album to keep him busy. Or does he?
JOY: Dude, wait - he's reading a Bill O'Reilly book?
HZ: Yeah, it's Bill O'Reilly's Those Who Trespass. Have you read it?
JOY: I have not.
HZ: Keith has also not read it, as we learn. And he's not listening to Bad Company.
JOY: Not at all.
HZ: He pops in his earbuds, and it's the recording from Episode 10 of this season of Sacks explaining how Inga makes the new security cards. So, of course, Keith just goes ahead and makes one. He could have listened to this at home before going to the Sheriff's Department.
JOY: But then we wouldn't know what was going on.
HZ: That's true.
JOY: And we wouldn't know how he knew.
HZ: I thought this was quite an enjoyable way of rendering that, actually.
JOY: Did you get the sense that Inga maybe knew what Keith was up to and maybe was into helping him? The way that she was like, "Oh, I could dig those up for you, but it'll take a while," made me think maybe.
HZ: I did wonder, because surely Inga would know not to trust either Mars at the station, so either she's very, very credulous, or she is a double agent.
JOY: Nice. I prefer to think double agent.
HZ: And then you get the tape of Leo saying, "Well, the security camera at the evidence room is functionally useless." So then of course, Keith just glides on in there.
JOY: Yeah. Is the camera just pointed straight down? Why not just have it pointed, just so you could say it was pointed at the door?
HZ: So Keith goes in there because all evidence belongs to the Marses.
JOY: Of course.
HZ: That's a Californian law. He takes down the bus crash evidence box, he removes some tapes, and stashes them in..
JOY: Inside the Bill O'Reilly book that he has carved a big chunk of the pages out, in the central part!
HZ: Delightful. I would advise, if you're going to try this, to hollow out a thicker book. That doesn't look like enough book for this to work great. I'd go for something that is at least like an inch and a half thick.
JOY: Preferably with like a hard cover.
HZ: Oh, definitely a hard cover. But it's still a beautiful classic Mars manoeuvre. I enjoyed this so much.
JOY: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
HZ: And that means Keith can kind of take it easy this episode, because he's just listening and learning.
JOY: He's listening. He's learning. He's asking Veronica to destroy a file. Is this what happens when a P.I. has been hired but then a couple reconciles? They just destroy all the evidence? That's the deal?
HZ: I'm a bit surprised, because I would have thought they would hang onto it for a little bit. But I suppose paper evidence in a smallish office? Well, maybe they're like, "We know what we do with evidence, so we can't trust the physical existence of evidence."
JOY: Oh, hell yeah. And while Veronica's shredding, she sees in the background of a surveillance pic, oh my god:
HZ: It's a surveillance photo of infidelity happening at the Neptune Onlyplace, which you can tell because even through the back of the photo you can see the glass blob wall.
JOY: And conveniently, behind this infidelity, Terrence Cooke and Miss Dumas, the teacher from the bus, have managed to fit themselves into the frame, and they're looking maybe kind of like romantic or something?
HZ: Yeah. Is that a crime?
JOY: No, but it is of note, I guess, because Miss Dumas died in the bus crash, and Veronica reveals to Keith that Terrence owes millions of dollars in gambling debt to scary men, which she learned when she bugged Lamb's office during the election.
HZ: But how does all this fit together? She's like, "Well, he's cupping Miss Dumas's face because he owes money to scary men, and therefore they murdered her, but the message was for me"? Because she still believes that.
JOY: She still believes that the message has to be for her. Does someone have a narcissistic personality disorder? And is it Veronica?
HZ: It's a Mars-issistic personality disorder.
JOY: Yes, it is.
HZ: So she's like, "Keith, you're not gonna be happy about this, but got this little tape from Lamb's office you might find useful." And it made me wonder what her system is for filing and labelling tapes of things shouldn't taped. And is she digitising? I just want tips for making my hard drives efficient.
JOY: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
HZ: At home, Keith is drinking milk, Jenny. How do you feel about that?
JOY: No, he's not. It didn't happen.
HZ: He's dunking cookies in nothing. In just nothing. In an empty glass.
JOY: Thank you for your honesty.
HZ: And listening to tapes, so it's a flashback?
JOY: Yeah. Have you ever had a flashback that was triggered by listening to a Walkman?
HZ: I'm having a flashback of listening to a Walkman.
JOY: Nice.
HZ: In this flashback, we see Dick talking to Lamb, which we didn't see originally.
DICK: Dude, it smelled like the ass of something that died.
LAMB: And you can’t say what it was?
DICK: I’m not, like, a professional smellologist. It stank. So I got a limo.
HZ: And he explains that Curly Moran - David Moran - worked for Richard Casablancas on his Aston Martin, because we know that Richard Casablancas is an expensive cars guy.
JOY: Okay. A connection. Let me get out my yarn wall, hang on.
HZ: And then Cassidy confirms the smell.
CASSIDY: You know, Dick, he said that we should get a limo, and I think that was, like, his first good idea ever, so…
LAMB: Does the name Curly mean anything to you?
CASSIDY: The mechanic?Yeah, yeah, I met him, you know, but, well, my dad, he went to the shop, he usually just took my brother. Cars being, you know, man stuff.
HZ: Which is very telling about the family dynamic and values. In a sad way. Who's he got in his life that is nice to him? Because his mom was a bit like, "Oh, baby... fuck off though."
JOY: Yeah, no, I don't know if he has anybody.
HZ: And when Veronica gets home tired to find Keith cooking hot dogs, he's like, "Listen, I got a theory about you thinking this rat was a message for you, and I'm going to be a lot more polite about it than Helen Zaltzman would be."
KEITH: You thought it was a sign, a message to you? "You are a rat"? What if we were just being too fancy and sophisticated?
VERONICA: That’d be a first.
KEITH: I mean, too symbolic. What does a dead rat do?
VERONICA: Besides smell?
KEITH: A dead rat’s only talent: it smells. Bad enough to drive anyone who could afford another ride off the bus. I’m just saying, keep in mind, honey: you’re not the only possible reason that that bus crashed.
HZ: I think Keith's being too subtle. She's not going to get it, and indeed, in the next scene...
JOY: She's like, "I'm still the only target that makes sense."
HZ: Veronica, it makes no sense. If they wanted to target you, they'd just go for your stupid fucking car that you could easily sabotage because everyone's like, "Your car's a piece of shit." This is the most oblique way to message you, Veronica. Also, Dick pantses someone in the background while she's having these extremely self-involved thoughts.
JOY: Wow. I missed that and must go back.
HZ: It's brutal. Everyone laughs. It looks like an extremely vicious pants incident.
JOY: Ugh. The last thing we see from Keith is the flashback of Lamb talking to Gia, and it is revealed - hold onto your fucking butt, Helen - Gia's dad told her not to take the bus home.
HZ: What the shit? That's an interesting little twist because Woody, I think, has been skirting the line between good and evil in our estimations. Good in that he seems quite cheery, bad in that he's got a very strange relationship with his child and he plays golf, and he's into incorporation, which I don't understand, I just get that no one else likes it. But a bit suss.
JOY: And one last little taste of this plot: we go out on learning that Terrence Cook is being questioned in regard to the bus crash.
HZ: Why is this on the TV news?
JOY: Why?
HZ: You don't have people being taken in for questioning on televised news, that's irresponsible.
JOY: Yeah. Yeah.
HZ: They also knew Curly Moran. He used to fix her Fiat. He was the only one who could fix her Fiat. Who's gonna fix her Fiat now that he's dead?
JOY: Oh, no. The biggest problem.
HZ: And then the other long-range plot is Detective Logan and Detective Weevil. But it starts with Weevil at the lunch tables with Molly Fitzpatrick, and I thought it's so weird seeing Weevil doing something as normal as having a lunch tray.
JOY: Yeah. And saying the words, "Try the cobbler." Also weird.
HZ: "It'll surprise you." What's he put in it, stones? Cobbles?
JOY: He's put the question of, "Molly, were you dating Felix?" inside the cobbler. Kind of like when Duncan brought that fortune cookie to proposition Veronica to get back together, Weevil had a little slip of paper just tucked in the cobbler, but since Molly refuses to try it, he just comes out and asks her.
HZ: And she's like, "No, I didn't date Felix. Oh, you've got a photo strip of me and Felix being a couple." I'm kind of into Weevil and Molly's dynamic, there's something quite noirish about it, even though it's happening in bright sunlight.
JOY: Yeah. Now that you mention it, that is so true. I really like watching them interact. And we also get a lot o hot information. Some good intel in this bit.
MOLLY: My uncles and cousins didn’t know about us. If they’d have known, they probably would have killed us both.
WEEVIL: How did you guys even meet?
MOLLY: At church. St Mary’s.
WEEVIL: Of course. The only place the micks and the spics ever get together without someone getting punched.
MOLLY: My uncle’s a priest there.
WEEVIL: Liam Fitzpatrick? If that guy’s a priest, then I’m Buzz Aldrin.
MOLLY: Brother - Patrick. That’s my family. Twelve hoodlums, one priest.
JOY: Now who names their kid Patrick Fitzpatrick, is a question that I have.
HZ: If they've got 12 kids, maybe they've run through all of the names that they like. And they're like, "Well, it's either Fitz or Patrick."
JOY: Yeah. Is there also a Fitz in in the brood?
HZ: She's useful, and I enjoyed this. Unfortunately we see no more of her this episode, but we do see some other Fitzpatricks. Then Weevil checks in with Logan. Logan's now, I guess, living in the hotel suite, but couldn't these rich boys just have rented the nicest apartment in Neptune for probably like what one week in this suite would cost, per month?
JOY: You would think that might be the case, but never you mind, Helen. Logan's too busy playing a golf videogame to think about getting an apartment.
HZ: He's got to practice for when he's a middle-aged rich man. And also, I guess he's lonely because his good pal Duncan has evaporated with not a word to Logan, because you can't say goodbye when you're trying to disappear.
JOY: It's true.
HZ: Maybe he left him a fortune cookie note.
JOY: Maybe. Now Logan is seeming downright stung, right, by the disappearance of Duncan at this point.
HZ: At least he's got Weevil as his friend. Even though Weevil rips the Playstation out the wall to get him to pay attention, because Logan's being glib about the Fitzpatricks.
JOY: It turns out, we learn in this scene, that Patrick Fitzpatrick, before he became a priest, he was in the family business. And, hey, isn't it convenient that Catholic churches have a private little booth that anyone can go into? What a great place for a Fitzpatrick to hand off something to a PCHer or vice versa.
HZ: Or you could just slip some stuff in the communion wine. When Weevil leaves the suite, there is a man just around the corner watching him. Then the Neptune Only Place, tonight, reprises its role as a karaoke joint. Lars from the previous karaoke ordeal is back, singing ‘All Out Of Love’ by Air Supply.
JOY: How does this guy have the bad fortune of always going right before professional singers at karaoke?
HZ: That's a good question. Weevil's here. Why can't Weevil sing? What do you think Weevil would sing at karaoke, Jenny?
JOY: I don't want to get this wrong. I need to think about this on my own time, Helen, and get back to you.
HZ: ‘We Will Rock You’, something like that? ‘Weevil Rock You’.
JOY: Oh my god. ‘Weevil/We Will Rock You’? Helen. Helen. Helen. Heh! Hell yeah.
HZ: Also there is Britt from Spoon. What the...? This is a more surprising cameo than Courtney Taylor-Taylor.
JOY: Yeah. This is a little more from leftfield.
HZ: Were Spoon on Warners?
JOY: Rob Thomas, call me when you can get the Matchbox Twenty Rob Thomas to come sing karaoke at your little bar. Then I'll be impressed.
HZ: You know, that's like calling the Candyman, Jenny. Britt from Spoon can't get served, so Veronica smoothly refills his coffee as he's being called for his karaoke spot, and she's like, "Veronica Mars can refill your coffee," so you have to drink.
JOY: Drink! And then, sing a song called ‘Veronica;.
HZ: So he's singing this song by Elvis Costello, "Where your name is Veronica - [pause]" were you mentally filling in the word ‘Mars’? Because I was.
JOY: 100 percent. It writes itself. "Her name is Veronica Mars." That's just how it goes, Helen.
HZ: We know that Lars's date is very, very moved by karaoke. We've seen that before. She's moved to tears by this performance, and he seems a bit pissed off by this. She's clearly going to go home with Spoon.
JOY: Oh my god. Hell yeah. Did you notice that the guy who's working is wearing the same vest that Veronica is sometimes wearing?
HZ: I assumed that there was a mass vest situation amongst the staff.
JOY: There's just like a closet of house vests.
HZ: Yes, but she's not wearing a vest, is she? Or is she? Because she was late for work after her fucking awful limo scheme.
JOY: Who can keep track?
HZ: She's been been up until late, she's back, she's got a late shift. It's a long night. It's a really long night. The tiredness explains why she goes up to Weevil, who is like, "I'd like to order one bug in the confession booth, please," and it takes her ages to notice that Logan is sitting right next to him at the next table. Is it she's just too tired to check the room, or is it just that dark in this weird, weird venue?
JOY: I don't know. I call bullshit on her not noticing, especially because they're doing such a bad job of not being there together, you know what I mean?
HZ: He's not even hiding behind a newspaper with eyeholes cut in it.
JOY: "I'm definitely not looking over that way at that guy that I totally don't know and have nothing to say to at all."
HZ: At least Clemmons rotated 90 degrees to hide himself.
VERONICA: So, this is sneaking. I’ve got a pantomime horse disguise you could use. Do either of you have any experience being a horse’s ass?
LOGAN: I’m glad my misfortunes amuse you. Look, that church is the only place the Fitzpatricks and the PCHers hang together.
WEEVIL: And the priest is a Fitzpatrick. It must be where they’re getting the drugs to the traitor in the PCHers.
LOGAN: Who’s probably the one who killed Felix. Look, Veronica, can you just once save my ass without comment?
VERONICA: No. Because saving your ass with comment, it just - it works better for me.
JOY: I love this little bit that she does about getting them a horse costume, and asking if either of them have experience being a horse's ass.
HZ: I suppose the Mars disguise closet does have one of everything, including horse costumes. But she says, "I've got this pantomime horse costume," and I thought, does America know what pantomime is, to be able to identify what this thing is?
JOY: No, I mean, I just pictured a horse costume where there's a guy in the front, a guy in a back.
HZ: That's right.
JOY: But why pantomime?
HZ: Well, it's very complicated to explain to foreigners, Jenny, but there is a Christmas tradition of a certain kind of theatre that originated from commedia dell'arte in Italy, but it's turned into like a very broad form of child-focussed theatre. I saw Steve Guttenberg in a pantomime in 2007 playing Cinderella's father, so it's stories like that. They see stories that have been made into Disney cartoons a long time ago, and they just cycle through like the same four of them every year, and then there's certain things that the audience has to say in unison, and running jokes, and there's some cover songs, and there's a bit where they bring people up in the audience and they get sweets, and there's sometimes a pantomime horse slash other mammal with two people in the costume, but occasionally they have a real miniature horse.
JOY: Wow. Helen, do you realise how much of what you just described could also be talking about Catholic church? You've got stories for the kids, sometimes there's a real horse, you go up to the front and get a snack; there's parts where the audience has to say stuff in unison back to the stage...
HZ: ...Very few roles for women; men in dresses - fuck, this all fits. Jenny, you're a genius.
JOY: Oh my god. Case closed.
HZ: She will not bug a confessional, but she will pop a video in it. Is that better?
JOY: I think it's better because of the sensitive nature of what's going on in confessional booths. So I salute Veronica for exercising some self-control.
HZ: For once. She looks extremely uncomfortable in the church.
JOY: She's like, "Oh no, he knows everything."
HZ: She lights a candle and goes to pray next to an old lady who's kneeling in front of the statue of Mary, but she prays aloud and just says, "I'm really sorry about this." The old lady looks annoyed. Veronica, you have easy access to a voiceover, so pray silently.
JOY: Yeah, just say it in your mind, girl, we'll hear it.
HZ: And then she goes to the confessional booth and affixes the camera to the ceiling. But she also has to do some confession as a cover story.
JOY: Oh yeah.
VERONICA: I’ve done some things that probably aren’t quite, you know, on the up-and-up, God-wise.
FATHER PATRICK: I see. Is there an example of this?
VERONICA: Sometimes when I know someone is bad I do improper things.
FATHER PATRICK: Like what?
VERONICA: Like trying to prove to the world that they’re bad and get them punished.
FATHER PATRICK: Yes. I know the feeling, actually.
VERONICA: You do?
FATHER PATRICK: I wasn’t always on the up-and-up god-wise myself. But I worked at it. There’s a passage, Romans 12-19: “Vengeance is mine. I will repay, sayeth the Lord.”
VERONICA: Yeah, I see now. I guess I should just probably be a better person. Thanks.
FATHER PATRICK: “Therefore, if thine enemy hunger, feed him. If he thirst, give him drink. Be not overcome of evil, but overcome evil with good.” That might be something for you to think about.
HZ: Father Patrick gets her. He advises her the same stuff that Meg has advised her a bunch of times, trying to wean her off vengeance.
JOY: Oh, yeah.
HZ: As she goes out, she leaves the camera storage device under a pew, and I wondered if she can remember which pew, because there's dozens of them.
JOY: A lot of pews.
HZ: Don't get hung up on that. It turns out fine. After she's gone to nab Uncle Monte's phone from the club, she pops into the church on the way home to retrieve the video. The church, I guess, is unlocked all hours?
JOY: I feel like that's not uncommon for a church. Like, city churches, you can go in and... No?
HZ: Some here, they're unlocked for a period, but they're usually locked at night. At home, she watches this video and spots Liam Fitzpatrick in there. Luckily, the only time we see him. But she does not see drugs being distributed. And given that the video is like in the top of the booth, you mainly see the tops of heads, so.
JOY: Luckily, she knows what Liam Fitzpatrick's head top looks like.
HZ: So at school, she's in the media room, and Weevil is like, "You've made me come in early, which I never do, except when I tape Wallace to the flagpole, and except when I put the teacher's car on the flagpole, but anyway, I'm enjoying the internet, I'm watching a man get his head stuck in an elephant." They watch the video, and it's another hollowed-out book plot! A thicker book, just as I advised.
JOY: Dude, two in one episode. This is actually kind of fucked.
HZ: What are the odds?
JOY: Liam's leaving his drug-full hymnal in the confessional booth, and then, you know, four or five confessions later, Thumper's picking it up. Thumper!
HZ: That's why Thumper's been getting a few lines this season!
JOY: Yeah.
HZ: Have you ever hidden anything in a hollowed-out book, Jenny?
JOY: I haven't. Not that I can remember. Have you?
HZ: Yeah, when I worked in a second-hand bookshop, we kept the takings inside a hollowed-out book.
JOY: Dear lord.
HZ: A boring one, so that no one would think to take it off the shelf.
JOY: Scary.
HZ: It was like round the back, it wasn't on the shelves for sale. But we didn't have a till or a safe or anything, we just had a little drawer, and then at night transferred the contents of the drawer to the book. And then on Fridays to the bank.
JOY: That is stressful, Helen, that is stressful.
HZ: It's quaint, Jenny, it was the 1990s.
JOY: OK.
HZ: Didn't even have a credit card machine. I've enjoyed this plot quite a lot. I've enjoyed the Weevil-plus-Logan-ness, I've enjoyed Veronica being like, "Church can see right through me, argh." But now it gets very grim. Why do the PCHers always have to meet in like very dark, scary places that are industrial?
JOY: It's just their way. It's just their way, Helen, they've got to create a vibe in which to PCH.
HZ: It's nice that they all turn up and get themselves arranged before Weevil, so he can make a big entrance.
JOY: Love seeing Weevil make a big entrance. I also love when Thumper's like, "Hey, man, maybe we want to, like, make more money, or do what we want to do, or whatever," Weevil straight-up channels my mom and says, "What do you mean, we? Do you have a mouse in your pocket?" Weevil, this is some grandma shit, what are you doing?
HZ: Well, we know Weevil's close with his grandma. Picked up some phrases.
JOY: That's true. He's like, "How can you work with the Fitzpatricks? They made Felix's brother disappear." And they're like, "Oh, you don't like us working with the perceived enemy? How come you've been having romantic hotel room meetings with Logan Echolls?" Who everybody believes killed Felix, except, I guess, Thumper, who knows who really killed Felix?
HZ: Yes.
JOY: Then they beat the crap out of Weevil, which makes sense in the context of what's going on. But then they decide they're going to put his bike in the ocean, which just seems like a terrible waste of a perfectly good piece of machinery.
HZ: Well, they say they're going to put it in the ocean, it's possible, I suppose, they'll just go and sell it.
JOY: Alright.
HZ: Or put it on the flagpole.
JOY: Ha! Yeah, get that thing up there.
HZ: It's pretty horrible seeing Weevil on a big hook being beaten up, and then thrown to the ground.
JOY: Yeah, I hate this. And then after everybody leaves except Thumper, Weevil's like, "You killed Felix, didn't you?" And Thumper's like, "Interesting theory. Before you go publicising it, though, remember that I've got this," and then he opens his ancient flip phone and plays a pixellated video that could be of anyone, but we are told that it is of Weevil kicking Curly Moran's ass.
HZ: That sure is incriminating shit.
JOY: These 10 pixels that kind of look like they could be Weevil.
HZ: I think just in 2006, because the quality of phone cameras was significantly less than it was now, people's eyes were just better at interpreting what they saw on them.
JOY: I think you're right, because you know what I've been noticing lately - with all due respect to everyone - on my modern television, I can see the not-too-carefully-obscured breakouts of characters, of actors, on the show, who are like having a breakout who I know if I was watching it on a TV on broadcast in 2006, it would have just been like totally smoothed over.
HZ: It was just gentler before HD. Whose face can stand up to that?
JOY: Nobody's. Get it out of here.
HZ: A bit of a problem with this season is, because they drop a long-running plot for a few episodes, when they pick it back up I'm like, "What was the Curly Moran thing again?"
JOY: Right.
HZ: Then there's these sort of like weird textured shots of the school bus, so I thought, "Is this a flashback or a kind of dream sequence?" But no, it's real because Weevil is now riding it because he's lost his bike.
JOY: Feels like a nightmare, but it's all too real.
HZ: He's got big red marks on his face when he gets off the bus. He walks past Dick and some bros, and Dick looks very amused to see a beaten-up Weevil. He's just amused by the shittest things, isn't he?
JOY: He's a piece of human trash, Helen.
HZ: And he does the loser hand as Weevil walks off, so highly effective.
JOY: Oh my god.
HZ: A Spoon song is playing, by the way. So the pieces are somewhat rearranged at the end of this episode. We've got Weevil beaten and deposed, the power of the PCHers has completely shifted, and is it going to be yet another unfair murder charge levelled at someone? We've already got Logan and Felix. Now there's Weevil and Curly?
JOY: Will the dethroned Weevil then move into the suddenly vacant bedroom in Logan's suite at the Neptune Grand?
HZ: Oh!
JOY: Will they have slumber parties?
HZ: In Jenny's dreams.
JOY: Yes. Well... That was a bunch of stuff that happened. You know what else happened? Crime. Thus, we must turn our eyes and ears to our brilliant, law-abiding and law-knowledgeable resident Southern Californian and marshmallow, Lo Dodds, for the LoDown.
THE LODOWN
JOY: Lo.
LD: Yes.
JOY: Lo, Helen and I would both like to know what is up with Keith stealing these tapes. He's not changing their state, right? So in theory, he's not compromising them, but is he compromising them just by virtue of removing them from the Neptune police evidence locker?
LD: Yes. So he's still committing burglary. So breaking and entering, going to the evidence locker when he's not allowed to, he's there with the intent to commit a theft, but as we've talked about before, it's not just the compromising of the evidence itself. When you have a break-in, you need to disclose that, because that compromises all of the evidence in that evidence closet.
JOY: Oh, Keith!
HZ: Well, that's not that much because they've stolen the rest.
LD: Yeah, exactly. That box is real light.
HZ: It's, yeah, so empty, for the death of like several people, and that's it.
LD: But it's interesting because they don't have a suspect yet. The idea is that this would help create reasonable doubt in a jury's mind. If there's been a break-in to the evidence locker, the evidence has been tampered with, the chain of custody for that evidence is no longer good. It's a problem for Keith, and for whoever eventually gets charged with this crime.
JOY: Are police departments really just out there keeping their evidence in fold-up cardboard Iron Mountain file boxes?
LD: I don't know that Neptune's Sheriff's Department is an example of actual evidence lockers. I think that banker's boxes are probably still used, but things are labelled. Things are in little baggies with who collected them. Like I said, there's a chain of custody of, you know, "CSI Smith collected this at the scene and handed over to officer, you know, McDougle, and he signed for it and then turned it into the evidence locker," and if that chain of custody isn't maintained, that puts doubt on the evidence itself, that it's accurate, that it hasn't been tampered with.
JOY: OK. And then for all the points Keith loses for doing this, again, does he regain any points for destroying a Bill O'Reilly book?
LD: Morally, yes, probably. Yeah.
JOY: But legally, no.
LD: Legally, no, I don't think that... I would assume Lamb is a fan of Bill O'Reilly.
HZ: Maybe he gave Lamb the innards of the book. We thought it weird that the camera outside the evidence room doesn't point to the evidence room, it just points down to the ground, and that even if it was useful no one would be keeping the footage. So is anyone to blame for the evidence room not having any working security or surveillance? Is Lamb culpable for that, as the head of the department?
LD: Yes. So the prosecution has a duty to turn over all exculpatory evidence, so you can't have the police just going into a place and only collecting the evidence that would point the finger at their desired suspect, and as part of that duty they have a duty to maintain and protect that evidence. So if you have a smoking gun that proves the person that is on trial didn't do it, you have to hand that over, and that also implies the duty to make sure that that smoking gun stays safe if you collected it at the scene or do whatever. So the fact that Lamb has really piss-poor security on that evidence closet is, again, going to come up, but it's kind of hard to talk about it without an actual accused suspect. So those tapes, obviously they throw suspicion on this whole smell. They also record Gia saying that Woody told her not to get on the bus. Now, depending on who becomes the accused for this case, those tapes could help or hurt them. So, yes, Lamb would be in trouble.
HZ: And then over to Veronica. Is she kidnapping Rashard and Uncle Monte with this limo plan?
LD: Well, she's not kidnapping them to begin with because they do voluntarily get in the limo, both of them. From the moment she traps them in the underground, then she has a problem, but because she lets them out as soon as they demand to be let out, I don't know that you can really get much for that.
HZ: She lets them off with a free limo.
JOY: Speaking of Rashard and Wallace, what's the full scope of what's going on with Wallace, Rashard, Monte, the drivethrough guy, the other kids in the car?
LD: I don't know that we know what happened to the victim.
HZ: He's paralysed from the waist down.
LD: Because they were injured, that makes it a felony. So Rashard is facing serious time and fines that will really impact his basketball career, for felony hit-and-run. And if they had not been injured, it might have just been a misdemeanour, and I also assume that Rashard is 18, so he's going to be charged as an adult. If he's not, and he's a minor, obviously the charges would be the same, the penalties would be less.
JOY: Is the fact that they've all sort of like gotten together on one story that is not the accurate retelling of events, like, conspiracy to commit something?
LD: Like we said before, the kids in the car, including Wallace, don't have any duty to report that Rashard has committed essentially a felony hit-and-run. But the minute they start lying to the police, that's a problem. So the kids that Monte pays off to lie to the police, to give that false story in the paper, those kids are going to be in trouble. They're going to be convicted, or charged at least with those particular crimes. Lying to the police, I don't know if you can get an aiding and abetting a felony hit-and-run, but, yeah, if they do something to further that crime, they could be charged with that as well. Now, the paper story is probably even going to be more problematic for them, because what the paper is doing is libel. So accusing someone of a crime is libel, per se, so it's assumed to be defamatory. So Wallace, because he wasn't actually driving that car, could sue the paper for libel. He could sue the kids for contributing to this story and lying to the paper. And because Wallace is not a public figure like Rashard, Rashard would have to prove that the paper knew it was false before they printed a story about Rashard hitting and injuring this person. But Wallace doesn't, so Wallace could be looking at some nice money here from the paper and those kids for defamation. Maybe The Chicago Statesman could pay for him to go to college.
HZ: What kind of crime is it for the deputy to give Veronica someone else's phone that he's taken at the club?
JOY: Oh yeah.
HZ: And to give that person a different phone.
LD: Deputy bouncer dude is definitely committing theft. He's going to get in trouble for that. But he's, he might, you know, lose his deputy job, but didn't he say he was a bouncer and he was an aspiring DJ? So, I mean, he just doesn't really care about his deputy job.
HZ: They've already just lost one deputy with Leo.
LD: I know. I don't understand why all of these dudes are perfectly willing to compromise their entire careers for Veronica, and not just like the young guys that are into her, but like the fireman that stole the evidence tape in the first couple episodes of... In the Sack'n'Pack, like everyone seems to be totally willing to compromise their entire career for Veronica.
HZ: Yep. It's just one of the in-universe rules that people will do anything that Veronica wants them to do.
JOY: Oh, true.
HZ: Veronica bugs a confession booth. Is she going to hell?
LD: Let's all accept that she does wind up in the bad place, right? But no, I don't think she's going to hell. The whole point is that she doesn't record sound, because you don't want to record people's confessions, right? The recording of the video inside the confession booth doesn't give you anything that you wouldn't see as a person who is perfectly allowed to be in the church pew right outside the confession booth.
HZ: I suppose...
LD: So the only thing she captures really is the book transfer, because the church, you're allowed to be in the church, you're allowed to be there for confession. Nobody has any reasonable expectation of privacy, that people are not allowed to see them go into a confession booth. The church itself is still private property, and they could, you know, want her picked up for illegal wiretapping.
JOY: Are there any hot little legal loopholes that would make a church a better place to exchange drugs in? Like, are there any kind of like weird locational protections?
LD: No, it's the opposite, actually. So a church, like any property, has a duty to care for the people that are on the property. You know, if you slip and fall in a church, it's still like you slip and fall anywhere. But a church, while it's not responsible for the acts of third parties that they don't control, so it wouldn't be responsible for the drug dealing taking place in the confession booth, as long as it wasn't in charge of it, but schools, churches, daycare centres, those are all subject to drug-free zone laws in California, which means if you are caught dealing drugs within something like a thousand feet of those places, the penalties are much, much worse.
JOY: I'm going to change my whole route.
LD: Yeah, you would not pick a church to do your drug dealing.
HZ: Does that go for all places of worship, or just Christian churches?
LD: I'm not sure, you'd have to check, but generally speaking those laws were made for places that had children. So schools were the obvious one, but churches that have daycare centres, churches that have...
HZ: Chuck E Cheese?
LD: Yes, I think Chuck E Cheese is probably where a lot of people do drugs. You need them. You need them to get through that experience. But no, yeah, so I would say even if you're at a mosque, you're at a temple, if there's children present, then those might be included. It's a bad choice on behalf of the Fitzpatricks, and the PCHers.
HZ: Neither seem to be very child-friendly organisations.
LD: No, no.
JOY: Helen. Can I tell you about my favourite line from this episode?
HZ: Oh, I would simply love it if you would.
JOY: Let me tell you, then. It is when Veronica says, "My boyfriend just fled the country with his dead ex-girlfriend's baby. I need a project." Yes, you do!
HZ: It also makes Wallace's plight sound trivial, which maybe helps him to not get too stressed about it. But on the other hand, yeah, it's just a game, Veronica, where you can hire a fucking limo and a blazer.
JOY: Mm-hmm. What delighted you? Please, tell me.
HZ: I liked Weevil's cobbler bants, but I must say I did not fully understand it.
JOY: True.
HZ: So I think I might go for Veronica saying in her confession, "I've done some things that probably aren't quite on the up-and-up, God-wise," and the priest says, "I wasn't always on the up-and-up God-wise myself."
JOY: Who among us can say that we have been?
HZ: I was like, "Oh, he's a cool priest." And then how do you rate this episode overall, Jenny?
JOY: Just on the strength of Jackie being on the side of Wallace, and like helping him, like double crossing Rashard and like being an excellent decoy, I had a blast. I'll give it four and a half cellphones in a variety pack, sort of lined-up on the inside of someone's trenchcoat jacket. Is that good?
HZ: It was quite a tidy episode and not too chaotic, for a season two episode.
JOY: Yeah.
HZ: It was nice to have some movement in the long arcs, because they've been ignored for a bit, for the Duncan and Meg baby plots. The mystery of the week wasn't actually really a mystery. It's urgent, because there's a deadline, and we all want Wallace to be safe and innocent. I never really doubted that he would be, though. Did you?
JOY: No, Wallace will always come out on top ultimately.
HZ: But they're not really trying to solve something. There's nothing to discover.
JOY: Yeah, yeah.
HZ: It's really just some outwitting. And I liked that Keith was not angry at Veronica, he was just quietly getting on with doing some detective stuff and eating some cookies, and not drinking anything.
JOY: Not one single drop of liquid.
HZ: And, yeah, I thought the church stuff was funny in an interesting way. It was interesting to see Veronica look so uncomfortable. Got to deduct some points for karaoke, and then add a bunch of points for Special Agent Jackie.
JOY: Nice.
HZ: So I think I'm going to go for 4.1 hollowed-out Bill O'Reilly books.
JOY: Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful.
HZ: Better than one with the contents fully intact.
JOY: Definitely. So I guess that's this episode of Veronica Mars investigated.
HZ: Case closed.
JOY: That was Veronica Mars Investigations Season 2 Episode 12: Rashard and Wallace Go To White Castle.
HZ: Watch season 2 episode 13 and join us next time to investigate it.
JOY: Find the show on Twitter, Instagram and Facebook @VMIpod.
HZ: The website, where the show lives inside a hollowed out hymnal, is vmipod.com.
JOY: My name is Jenny Owen Youngs, and when I'm not making this podcast with Helen, I make another podcast called Buffering the Vampire Slayer. You can listen to it wherever you get podcasts. And you can also learn more about my musical exploits, my main deal making up jams, over at jennyowenyoungs.com.
HZ: I'm Helen Zaltzman, and when I'm not making this podcast with Jenny Owen Youngs, I make two other podcasts. The Allusionist, which is an entertainment show about language, at theallusionist.org and answermethispodcast.com.
JOY: This episode was edited and mixed by Helen Zaltzman. Thanks to Ian Steadman for transcribing the episode.
HZ: The music is by Martin Austwick and Jenny Owen Youngs.
JOY: The sheriff of this town is Hrishikesh Hirway.
HZ: The show is distributed by PRX.
JOY: Until next time: who's your daddy?
HZ: Who's your daddy? Is he twelve hoodlums or one priest?