Max Greenfield — Transcripts — Veronica Mars Investigations

JOY: Now that you've agreed to go to prom with me, Helen, but prom has been cancelled, could I interest you in a trip to the batting cages? A little batting cage romance?
HZ: It sounds a little sporty, Jenny.
JOY: A little drive through the Taco Bell drive-through? A little visit to Dairy Queen for some Blizzards afterwards? That's on par with prom.
HZ: Alright, yeah. What's the dress code?
JOY: Yeah, what is the dress code?
HZ: Are you going to get sick eating dairy? That would be very sad.
JOY: I would order a Blizzard and just stare at it in solidarity with you.
HZ: That's terrible. Could we go somewhere where you could eat the things?
JOY: OK, well, we'll just have to see what's near the batting cages, I guess everything kind of hinges on that.
HZ: Oh, so we still have to go to the batting cages?
JOY: Sorry, yes.

transcript, Season 2VMI Pod22 September 2020Veronica Mars, Rob Thomas, Kristen Bell, Enrico Colantoni, Keith Mars, Logan Echolls, Jason Dohring, Wallace Fennel, Percy Daggs III, Weevil Navarro, Francis Capra, Neptune, California, Jenny Owen Youngs, Helen Zaltzman, VMI, television, TV, recap, review, drama, teen, teenage, school, high school, mystery, detective, PI, private detectives, Marshmallows, cases, crime, law, season 2, Kendall Casablancas, Charisma Carpenter, Jackie Cook, Tessa Thompson, Mac, Cindy Mackenzie, Tina Majorino, Butters, Vincent Clemmons, Adam Hendershott, Steve Guttenberg, Woody Goodman, Gia Goodman, Krysten Ritter, Principal Clemmons, Van Clemmons, Duane Daniels, Tommy Dohanic, Lucky, James Jordan, Madison Sinclair, Amanda Noret, Leo D’Amato, Max Greenfield, Lloyd Blankenship, Steve Rankin, prom, parties, dances, alterna-prom, Camelot Motel, stalking, stalker, incorporation, doctor, chlamydia, STIs, decor, Loganica, Aaron Echolls, Lilly Kane’s murder, Lilly Kane, murder weapons, Oscars, set dressing, art, hospital, medical, party pig, Can’t Get You Out of My Head, Kylie Minogue, Pan High, French bulldogs, Boston terriers, dogs, batting cages, brownies, Neptune Grand, accidental porn dialogue in Veronica Mars, chest hair, body hair, slander, libel, Cliff’s briefcase, bail, Manning parents, Stewart Manning, throwing a game, booze, drinks, Terrence Cook, Jeffrey Sams, Sheriff Lamb, Don Lamb, Michael Muhney, Dick Casablancas, Ryan Hansen

VMI 2.10 One Angry Veronica transcript

JOY: Here's the thing: why make an episode of television made mostly out of the worst thing that can happen to you, as a citizen of the United States?

Season 2, transcriptVMI Pod16 June 2020Veronica Mars, Rob Thomas, Kristen Bell, Enrico Colantoni, Keith Mars, Logan Echolls, Jason Dohring, Neptune, California, Jenny Owen Youngs, Helen Zaltzman, VMI, television, TV, recap, review, drama, teen, teenage, school, high school, mystery, detective, PI, private detectives, Marshmallows, cases, crime, law, season 2, Wallace Fennel, Percy Daggs III, Deputy Leo, Leo D’Amato, Max Greenfield, Lilly Kane, sex tapes, Sheriff Lamb, Don Lamb, Michael Muhney, Deputy Sacks, Brandon Hillock, law enforcement, Thumper, James Molina, Meg Manning, Alona Tal, babies, pregnancy, megnant, murder, first degree murder, death, Woody Goodman, Steve Guttenberg, Mannings, Meg’s baby, Duncan’s baby, Meg and Duncan’s baby, Faith Manning, Lilly Manning, baby Lilly, Switched at Birth, jury service, jury duty, jurors, juries, court, lawyers, judges, judicial systems, bailiff, witness bias, Lloyd Blankenship, Steve Rankin, Dick Casablancas, Ryan Hansen, Inga, Christmas, Xmas, festive, Scrubs, Michael Hyatt, Ned Flanders, 12 Angry Men, Twelve Angry Men, Bozoville, shirtlessness, O-Town, theft, evidence, evidence tampering, Robert Curtis Brown, Ivonne Coll, Robert Maschio, Paris Hilton, celebrity sex tapes, tabloids, Hearst College, Chekhov’s dude, dude, degausser, degaussing, Cornish game hens, wine, food, dinner

VMI 2.01 Normal is the Watchword transcript

JOY: Do you think that in this context, pantsing refers to just Butters's pants coming down or him getting fully exposed?
HZ: I'm trying to remember what we would have called it in England; it would have had a different name; pants would definitely unambiguously be undergarments in British English.
JOY: Oh right, so you'd be like, "Oh, he got troused" or something. Sorry if I've offended anyone.
HZ: When you've pantsed people in the past, Jenny, which I'm sure actually I'm sure you've never done because you're a kind person.
JOY: Honestly, I'm not a pantser, but Jess pantses me on the daily.
HZ: She romantically pantses you? And when she does it, is it overpants and underpants?
JOY: Just overpants, and then an impish scurrying away.
HZ: So we should clarify: Jess is your girlfriend.
JOY: Yes.
HZ: She's not your high school bully.
JOY: Or a ghost.

transcript, Season 2VMI Pod23 March 2020Veronica Mars, Rob Thomas, Kristen Bell, Enrico Colantoni, Keith Mars, Logan Echolls, Jason Dohring, Wallace Fennel, Percy Daggs III, Weevil Navarro, Francis Capra, Neptune, California, Jenny Owen Youngs, Helen Zaltzman, VMI, television, TV, recap, review, drama, teen, teenage, school, high school, mystery, detective, PI, private detectives, Marshmallows, cases, crime, law, season 2, Woody Goodman, Steve Guttenberg, Gia Goodman, Krysten Ritter, bus crash, schoolbus, bus, Naima Mora, cliffs, Meg Manning, Alona Tal, Dick Casablancas, Cassidy Casablancas, Kyle Gallner, Ryan Hansen, Kendall Casablancas, Charisma Carpenter, Duncan Kane, Teddy Dunn, Veronica’s romances, Veronica’s relationships, PDA, book deals, Alica Fennel, Lilly Kane, vertical twigwork, sports, the Neptune Onlyplace, vests, urine, drug tests, schemes, conspiracies, Butters, Kelvin, plots, Keith’s book, Duncvonica, bugs, ladybugs, ladybirds, biscotti, Julie Chen, Happy Duncan, Big Murder Small Town, Felix, Felix Toombs, Brad Bufanda, murder, class war, class tensions, Leo D’Amato, Max Greenfield, Deputy Leo, cute as a bug manager, Godfather III, pisstery, urine samples, parents, Jim Chimory, Boatloads of Fun, pants, pantsing, trousers, pranks, cruelty, jokes, japes, Keithlicia, South Park, Vincent, Clemmons, Vice Principal Clemmons, 69, bad accents, shy bladder, bathrooms, bathroom doors, doors, Shark Field, ANTM, Miss Dumas, PCHers, Sleevil, Cordelia, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Laker Girls, The Shocker, kissing, inappropriate workplace behaviour, Dick, Beaver, sex, affairs, baseball, Terrence Cook, food shaming, relationships, Dirrty, Nelly, Red Socks, Yankees, Johnny Damon, Delays, Long Time Coming, Embrace, Ashes, Kane parents, Jake Kane, Celeste Kane, Kane trial, Napa

VMI 1.19 Hot Dogs transcript

JOY: Logan is like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're gonna get.

HZ: Yeah, although you do assume that the chocolates will be brownish green and a bit out of date. What what? But still delicious. Delicious, but bad for you.

Season 1, transcriptVMI Pod13 January 2020Veronica Mars, Rob Thomas, Kristen Bell, Enrico Colantoni, Keith Mars, Logan Echolls, Jason Dohring, Wallace Fennel, Percy Daggs III, Lilly Kane, Amanda Seyfried, Weevil Navarro, Francis Capra, Neptune, California, Jenny Owen Youngs, Helen Zaltzman, VMI, television, TV, recap, review, drama, teen, teenage, school, high school, mystery, detective, PI, private detectives, Marshmallows, cases, crime, law, season 1, Neptune High, Mandy, dogs, missing animals, pets, animals, pet theft, dognapping, dog theft, Trina Echolls, Alyson Hannigan, Aaron Echolls, Harry Hamlin, awful men of Neptune, violence, knives, Dylan, Leo D'Amato, Max Greenfield, abuse, family abuse, domestic violence, Judy Blume, Forever, canine, dog pound, Jack Russells, Claire Titelman, Duncan Kane, Teddy Dunn, Missing Duncan, the Fonz, Celeste Kane, Kanes, Kane house, spy pen, Wishbone, Siddhartha, Hermann Hesse, Lynn Echolls, wills, inheritance, legacy, Snausage, Backup, Matthew Carey, Hans, Lisa Thornhill, pearls, Alicia Fennel, Keith's romances, 101 Dalmatians, henley, kissing, kisses, Loganica, VeGan, LoVe, Drive Me Crazy, Melissa Joan Hart, Adrian Grenier, Tasers, warrants, NDAs, non-disclosure agreements

VMI 1.18 Weapons of Class Destruction transcript

HZ: Veronica visits the website killemall. Jenny, please describe what you see, because we watched the episode together and she screamed for minutes upon sight of this thing.
JR: Tell me all about it.
JOY: Oh my god, it's like a ticking countdown clock, and I think there's like a demonic laugh that happens right when the page loads and it's like, “Hahahahaha," it's counting down. I also think there's like a some kind of demonic visage somewhere on the page. It’s like “Something demonic is gonna happen in 48 hours and 15 minutes and 22 seconds, suckers.”
JR: It's great. It's great stuff. Beautiful design, I love the red, it really pops.
JOY: It really pops.
JR: Love that font, it is like borderline Papyrus, I think.
JOY: Like evil Papyrus.
JR: Yeah, Demonic Papyrus.
HZ: I used that on my wedding invitations.

transcript, Season 1VMI Pod7 January 2020Veronica Mars, Rob Thomas, Kristen Bell, Enrico Colantoni, Keith Mars, Logan Echolls, Jason Dohring, Wallace Fennel, Percy Daggs III, Neptune, California, Jenny Owen Youngs, Helen Zaltzman, VMI, television, TV, recap, review, drama, teen, teenage, school, high school, mystery, detective, PI, private detectives, Marshmallows, cases, crime, law, season 1, Neptune High, Joanna Robinson, special guest, Leo D’Amato, Deputy Leo, Max Greenfield, Veronica’s boyfriends, Veronica’s romances, Corny, Miss Dent, Sydney Tamiia Poitier, Joey Lauren Adams, Chasing Amy, Michael McMillian, Jonathan Taylor Thomas, Home Improvement, wigs, hair, drugs, bombs, bomb dogs, bomb squad, Theo Rossi, Sons of Anarchy, Norris, Ben, throwing stars, Kurosawa, weapons, swords, web, websites, internet, wifi, Mac, Alicia Fennel, Erica Gimpel, Keith's romances, dating, romance, kissing, kisses, kiss, popcorn, Van Clemmons, Vice Principal Clemmons, Duane Daniels, undercover agents, Miss Roush, Veronica's voices, journalism, papers, newspapers, media, Tiger Beat, punching, punches, violence, face punching, fertilizer, lies, Heathers, Jason Dean, Christian Slater, mullets, Storm Warning, Ginger Rogers, Doris Day, Ronald Reagan, The Crucible, dogs, sniffer dogs, fonts, Papyrus, web design, Meg Manning, Duncan Kane, Alona Tal, Teddy Dunn, passports, disappearing Duncan, Mannequin, problematic faves, cars, Nissan Xterra, Camelot motel, Logan's clothes, LoVe, Braveheart, Taut Blondes, ATF, ATF agents, 21 Jump Street, Miss Stafford, pep, Switched At Birth, expired passports, escape, absconding, guest stars, Tina Majorino, Miss Murphy

VMI 1.16 Betty and Veronica transcript

HZ: In Wallace's locker, there's a gift - an offering!

JOY: A spirit box! Do you guys have spirit boxes in the UK?

HZ: Of course not, sports players are privileged enough.

JOY: Do you guys have spirit of any kind in the UK?

HZ: We have spirits, as in the booze kind.

JOY: Ah yes, now that's a box I'd like to receive in my locker.

HZ: It’d probably get you into trouble, Jenny. This box is is green with yellow frills and it's got a big green frog in it and “Go Wallace, we love you, you rock” somewhere involved. And in it there's a load of snickerdoodles. Which is not a cookie we have in Britain either. Is it worth bothering with?

JOY: I mean, I love a snickerdoodle - I'm an equal opportunity employer of cookies.

HZ: That's very thoughtful.

Season 1, transcriptVMI Pod9 December 2019Veronica Mars, Rob Thomas, Kristen Bell, Enrico Colantoni, Keith Mars, Logan Echolls, Jason Dohring, Wallace Fennel, Percy Daggs III, Lilly Kane, Amanda Seyfried, Weevil Navarro, Francis Capra, Neptune, California, Jenny Owen Youngs, Helen Zaltzman, VMI, television, TV, recap, review, drama, teen, teenage, school, high school, mystery, detective, PI, private detectives, Marshmallows, cases, crime, law, season 1, Neptune High, Leo D’Amato, Deputy Leo, Max Greenfield, Meg Manning, Alona Tal, Duncan Kane, Teddy Dunn, Jake Kane, Kyle Secor, Celeste Kane, Lisa Thornhill, Lianne Mars, Corinne Bohrer, Clarence Wiedman, Christopher B Duncan, parrots, mascots, goats, animals, theft, Pan High, sports, basketball, betting, bets, bookies, cookies, pep, snickerdoodles, rehab, Riverdale, Vice Principal Clemmons, Skee-Lo, I Wish, Sally Field, gambling, jocks, pranks, meat, rest stop 15, Editor Duncan, making love, Jack, goat in a van, van, Amelia DeLongpre

VMI 1.15 Ruskie Business transcript

HZ: Meg has got a secret admirer. She's narrowed it down to two guys. Someone sweet but moony called Martin, or someone called Caz who's flirty, but he would flirt with a trashcan if it had boobs.
JOY: Trying to picture a trash can with boobs. Hang on one second.
HZ: Pretty sexy.
JOY: Okay, please go on. I'm ready.
HZ: But Meg needs to find out who, because it could be her soulmate - there's a lot of soulmate chat this episode.
JOY: Meg, you're 16, you barely even have a soul let alone its mate. Her soul is still baking!
HZ: You're basically a trash can with boobs!

transcript, Season 1VMI Pod3 December 2019Veronica Mars, Rob Thomas, Kristen Bell, Enrico Colantoni, Keith Mars, Logan Echolls, Jason Dohring, Wallace Fennel, Percy Daggs III, Lilly Kane, Amanda Seyfried, Weevil Navarro, Francis Capra, Neptune, California, Jenny Owen Youngs, Helen Zaltzman, VMI, television, TV, recap, review, drama, teen, teenage, school, high school, mystery, detective, PI, private detectives, Marshmallows, cases, crime, law, legal, season 1, Neptune High, Max Greenfield, Deputy Leo, Leo D'Amato, Pretty In Pink, 1980s, eighties, Duckie, Duncan Kane, Teddy Dunn, Madonna, Trina Echolls, Alyson Hannigan, Risky Business, Tom Cruz, Tom Cruise, WITSEC, witness protection, state’s evidence, Steuben glass, egg, Total Eclipse of the Heart, Bonnie Tyler, Valentine’s Day, dancing, dances, Valentines, Lynn Echolls, Meg Manning, Alona Tal, dating, relationships, romance, love, phones, texts, text messages, postcards, Russians, jocks, Caz, Martin, show homes, trash can with boobs, Chupa Chups, lollipops, Cynthia LaMontagne, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Buffonica, jockstraps, parties, Jill Straps, flowers, Manny the florist, Catarina Lenova, dogs, catahoula leopard dogs, dog breeds, Detective Wallace, accents, English accents, Charley Mossman, pets, dingos, ocelots, porcupines, threeways, state dogs, state animals, Idyllwild, Mayor Max, golden retrievers, Karl, sketch artist, Scott Michael Morgan, Bluths, Bluth family, Arrested Development, attraction, makeovers, Ian Somerhalder, Wang Chung, Lianne Mars, Barstow, Neptune geography, Clarence Wiedman

VMI 1.14 Mars vs Mars transcript

HZ: I don't like this episode very much, Jenny.

JOY: Man, agree - hard agree. This is difficult, but unfortunately I guess we have to talk about it anyway.

transcript, Season 1VMI Pod27 November 2019Veronica Mars, Rob Thomas, Kristen Bell, Enrico Colantoni, Keith Mars, Logan Echolls, Jason Dohring, Wallace Fennel, Percy Daggs III, Lilly Kane, Amanda Seyfried, Weevil Navarro, Francis Capra, Neptune, California, Jenny Owen Youngs, Helen Zaltzman, VMI, television, TV, recap, review, drama, teen, teenage, school, high school, mystery, detective, PI, private detectives, Marshmallows, cases, crime, law, legal, season 1, Neptune High, Adam Scott, Leighton Meester, Carrie Bishop, Susan Knight, Mr Rooks, teachers, Sting, The Police, Don't Stand So Close To Me, songs, singing, pregnancy, statutory rape, sex crime, lyrics, rhyming, rhymes, feminine rhymes, masculine rhymes, Lolita, Nabokov, Mars vs Mars, Gossip Girl, Duncan Kane, doctors, theft, medical records, Abel Koontz, kitten heels, mental health, Cliff!, Cliff McCormack, Deputy Leo, Leo D'Amato, lasagne, Rolling Stones, vinyl, MUN, mock United Nations, Model United Nations, text messages, Sweet Knees, sex offender registry, Max Greenfield